Michael - May, 2008

I believe trip reports serve a dual purpose – they are entertainment for the “veterans”, and they also serve as guidance for the newbies.  With that said, here is the trip report for our much anticipated sophomore trip to Hedo III (I hope I don’t let anyone down). 

 

Since most trip reports accurately cover the travel to the resort, I’ll dispense with many of the trivial details associated with that aspect, and instead simply state that the Air Jamaica redeye out of LAX was only a half hour late and had no problems of any significance.  Aside from the sheer hell of economy class seating common to any airline, it was a “pleasant” flight.  I have yet to find a reason to take my business elsewhere. 

 

Despite glossing over the minutiae of the flight, I will comment on one airport experience however…  It’s a typical “Hedo Moment”.  Since we had plenty of time at the airport, we opted to spend some quality time at the bar adjacent to our departure gate.  We are on vacation after all!  So after downing a few adult beverages, we start eyeing up the other passengers waiting for the trip to MoBay.  It’s a game familiar to all veteran Hedo travelers and it is called “Who’s Going to Hedo?”  After surveying the candidates, we both had a younger couple pegged as the most likely to be the other freaks (besides us).  Well, I couldn’t stand it any more and wandered casually over there to strike up some small talk (i.e. extract incriminating information).  As it turns out, this pleasant young couple was visiting another resort in Jamaica (there are OTHER resorts in Jamaica?!), but did not recoil in horror or even seem the least bit shocked when I indicated where we were going.  The same could not be said for the group of six sitting about 20 feet away however.  My wife was watching this other group, and witnessed a great deal of furious whispering, pointing, and curious (almost fearful) glances in our direction as soon as the word “Hedonism” escaped my lips.  Intentional or not, they never did get near us again before we boarded the airplane.

 

The landing in MoBay at 0630 the next day greeted us with broken clouds, warm sunshine and a slight breeze.  It was good to be (almost) home again.  Customs, luggage, and in the Super Clubs lounge within minutes of deplaning, the trip was looking good!  Now begins the wait for the bus, and that provides an opportunity to play “The Game” again; after all, there is a pretty good chance that someone stepping into that lounge is going to Hedo.  Not today.  Of the hundreds of passengers wandering through the terminal, all except one other couple going to Breezes were going elsewhere.  I commented to Diane that perhaps Super Clubs better spend more on marketing because there are plenty of travelers picking other resorts.

 

Anyway, after 30 minutes or so, we are led to a medium-sized bus and loaded on with about 16 people.  The road is fine, and the driver knows what he is doing.  Though we wanted to press straight on through, others on the bus want to make the stop for beer, so I say “No problem, mon”.  The red stripe is cold, and one of our passengers even takes our picture in front of the bar.  Anyway, as it turns out, Hedo is the second stop (after the couple going to Breezes), and this provides an opportunity for our second “Hedo Moment” of the trip.  As we turn down the unmarked driveway to the resort someone in back asks “What resort is this?”  “Hedonism” is the driver’s reply.  Much like at LAX, this results in excited whispering and muted giggling, as they try to determine who the freaks are.  Conversation quickly ends as the guard lowers the chain, and the passengers realize they are actually INSIDE the compound and there are Hedonists on the bus with them.  As the bus creaks to a stop and the doors open, Diane and I proudly stand up and make our exit.  I cheerfully bid everyone a pleasant vacation as I step off the bus, and notice that the guy who happily took our picture just minutes before now can’t look me in the eye.  Oh well, home sweet home!

 

Considering this is only our second trip, the lobby and reception area is amazingly familiar to us.  It’s as if we know every detail of the place.  Home indeed!  Anyway, since we booked “run of the house” we have no idea where we will be staying on the resort.  The mystery is quickly solved as we are assigned the 200 building. Remembering how much we enjoyed the 500 building last year, we inquire if we can stay there.  “Yes” is the reply, and the room is ready!  Minutes later we are checked in and ready for the first of many dirty bananas.  As it turns out however, the bar is not open yet, and we have about 30 minutes until the magic hour of 10AM.  Breakfast is a good excuse to kill some time, so we elect that option and grab the DB’s “to go” on the way back to the room (we only had one round since there were no fresh bananas).  Arrival at the room has us hastily unpacking, and expending an entire can of Lysol on every possible surface that might touch our skin.  Next task has us jumping in the shower to hose off the funk that has accumulated on our bodies in the last 12 hours or so.  We find the shower to have the extreme temperature regulation problem typical of this resort, but at least the shower head directs most of the water in our general direction.  As far as we’re concerned, the room is perfect.  We have seen enough of the room however, it’s time to hit the nude pool and answer the question that has been haunting me for the past year: “Can I really still get naked in public?”  After toweling off, we apply the sunscreen to protect our skin which has been so carefully tanned by the evil artificial rays of a tanning bed over the last month, and out the door we go.

 

As we pick our way down the path, pass the “bus stop” and round the corner leading to the nude pool, I find myself almost breathless with anticipation of what I will find – will it be jammed with bodies having a wild party, or will it be completely deserted?  Well, as it turns out, it’s pretty dead at 11AM on this Sunday morning; there’s perhaps 20 other people there.  This is not a good sign.  At least there will be plenty of loungers available.  We find towel bin well stocked, the sun is out, and there is all the booze you can consume at the bar… time to strip and start drinking!  We find it much easier to undress this trip and in fact find it essentially a non-event.  Anyway, as the day wears on, we find more and more people making their appearance at the pool and though many resort guests have never heard of it, we finally meet some members of the board.  Though we meet a bunch of great people this first day, we can’t help but notice the familiar and expected “Hedo vibe” is somewhat lacking; the people aren’t quite as friendly and outgoing as I remember.  I hope this is a temporary anomaly. 

 

The hours, drinks and food from the grill pass and soon it is mid afternoon – bringing us to the sobering realization that we need a nap or we are NEVER going to make it to the opening of the disco, let alone the after hours festivities at the hot tubs.  So in a carefully rehearsed but poorly executed plan to take a quick nap and return to the hot tub in time to watch the sun set, we over sleep and wake in pitch darkness on our first night.  Dammit!  Well, there is plenty of fun to be had after dark around here, so into the shower and start the long arduous process of watching Diane putting on her slutwear so we can go eat.  As usual, she is looking pretty slutty (damn good) by the time she finishes, and it is time for the time honored Hedo tradition of parading around the main bar and gawking at the display of slutty craftsmanship from all the other beautiful ladies.  Unfortunately, as we round the corner by the waterslide and come into view of the bar, we realize that apparently the other guests didn’t get the same memo that we did and almost no one is dressed appropriately (for Hedo) – most are dressed for Breezes.  Pretty dull.  What the hell is happening to this place?  We do see some familiar faces and chat them up for a bit before running into Pastafarri for dinner.  We were seated without a reservation, and had a good meal.

 

Following dinner, we spend a bit of time at the main bar until it’s time to go back to the room to change (again) into her pimp costume.  Following the wardrobe switch, climbing the stairs to the now open disco provides another opportunity for disappointment – it is sparsely populated and only a small segment is in proper costume.  OK fine, the disco is not the main attraction anyway.  We spend a little time there, an EC presents Diane with a bottle of rum for apparently winning best costume, and we grab some virgins for their first trip down the slide before heading over to the nude hot tub.  Fun stuff ahead!  OK, maybe not – the nude hot tub is deserted and only a handful of us new arrivals are keeping the bartender awake.  We are soon met by a contingent from the Quad area that inform us they have the place jumping, so we make our way over there.  While it was certainly more populated, it was not exactly going to make any Hedo “all time wildest” list.  However, we were fortunate to meet another member of the board and discuss their virgin trip.  A charming couple, I was sorry to see them leave the next day.  Anyway, as the conversation and our willpower to stay awake waned, we decided to close out our tab and turn in.  The first night was in the books.

 

The remainder of our stay was substantially like the first, except we made sunset at the hot tub most of the time, and missed our afternoon nap once or twice (for which we later paid dearly). Anyway, I think the easiest way to tell the tale from here on out is to simply give impressions of “stuff” and describe certain events as discrete points of interest rather than recount each day, since they all kind of ran together anyway.  I apologize in advance for the disjoined and random thoughts that are about to follow:

 

Shower Show:  Saturday night the Wild Bunch showed up and we were introduced to them in a typically “Hedo” way.  Diane was in the shower starting the dinner costume preparations while I was asleep on the bed.  I was jarred from my slumber by the shrill sound of a hand held air horn from somewhere outside our window.  Apparently, a couple of members of the Wild Bunch were welcoming others of their tribe by “T.P.ing” their “yard”.  Diane apparently hung halfway out the window and asked what the hell was going on.  A conversation ensued and to make a long story short, they convinced her to turn on the light (it was dark) and give them a look, which she did.  In the course of the conversation, they inquired about the whereabouts of her husband, and pretended to be concerned that I would awaken and kick their asses.  Anyway, I made it a point to seek out the perpetrators at the disco and threaten (jokingly) to “kick their asses”.  Turns out it was the leader of the bunch (Wild Walt), and he was a fine guy.  They offered to bring us into the wild bunch on the spot, but since we were leaving the next day, we declined.  We will be looking them up for future events however.  Fun people!

 

Slutwear and theme wear:  We were pretty disappointed overall with the lack of participation in these two time honored Hedo traditions.  Diane makes it a point to have both slutwear for dinner AND theme night costumes.  We became very used to turning the corner by the main bar and feeling “out of place” by being the only ones dressed up.  In fact, we went to dinner on toga night and were shocked to see people in “street clothes”.  Last year it was Hedo policy “No sheet, no eat”.  WTF is happening to this place?  Oh well, perhaps people will turn it around next year.

 

Resort Maintenance:  Compared to last year, it seems to be slipping.  The paint on the buildings is not nearly as bright as it was last year and does not match.  Also, the speaker/rocks scattered about the property put out more static than sound – not a big deal of course, but it is a very visible indicator of pride (For what it’s worth).  The pool has some issues with plaster and tiles.  As a mater of fact the tiles caused me some injury and blood loss on two occasions.  The first was as a result of some silly EC driven race from the bar end of the pool to the pussy fountain and back.  As I reached the fountain in a somewhat intoxicated state; my “racing” form best described as an epileptic seizure, I sliced the web of my thumb on a broken tile and lost a significant chunk of meat for my efforts.  We did win the race however, so it was worth it.  Immediately following the victory, I slid behind the bar and the top of my thigh contacted another broken tile, slicing it open.  It was not very deep though, but certainly unwelcome.  With all the soft fleshy parts that are unprotected in that pool, SuperClubs might want to think about looking for the jagged broken ceramic tiles once in a while.  After all, broken ceramic might as well be broken glass.  One other incident deserves mention not for the cause, but how it was handled.  The nude pool bathrooms were generally clean, but one particular day I found the floor covered with mud (from the people tracking it in from the volley ball court).  Well, as I soon discovered (standing there in my bare feet no less), it was NOT mud – someone had clogged the toilet.  Think about that for a second…  Bare feet…  shit on the floor…  THANK GOD there was a shower nearby!  Now, understand that I ALWAYS wash my feet, hands and anything else that needs it before returning to the pool, but I scrubbed like never before this time!  OK, some animals made a mess of the restroom – isolated incident- surely housekeeping will be dispatched immediately.  So fully an hour and a half after telling the staff about it, without result, I went to the front desk and informed them of the biohazard that was brewing at the nude side.  It was eventually fixed, but this took way too long.  I know the Jamaican clock works a little differently than every other, but some stuff really needs to be fixed RIGHT NOW!  On the other hand, the pool and hot tubs were quite clean, the grounds were pretty neat overall, and our room had no issues.  Still a fine place to spend a vacation, but as we all know, far from 5 star.

 

Music:  Much better this year.  Someone must have picked a better cd to play every day because we never found the music to be a distraction like it was last year.  I heard “Sexy Back” about a thousand times last year.  Big improvement!

 

Guests:  OK, I’m going to try to describe this next part without sounding too shallow, but people always ask, so here goes:  I think the group was generally a lot better looking and younger than we remember from last year.  While we met all shapes and sizes this trip and each enriched our lives (we would love to see them ALL again), we also saw quite a few truly breathtakingly attractive people.  As it turns out, even the “beautiful people” were approachable and friendly.  Almost without exception, we were very happy with the “quality” of the guests.  It’s true that Hedo people are some of the nicest you will ever meet, and they are the main reason to come to this resort.

 

Single males:  Last year saw a couple of classic “Vinnies” running amok poolside, but we did not detect even a single instance of Vinnie behavior this trip.  Perhaps they were there, but we didn’t see it.  That’s good.  There were a couple of Wallys around, but only one incident is noteworthy.  The incident in question occurred at the nude pool when during a game of volleyball, one of my female teammates commented that one of the men on a lounger appeared to be taking pictures on the sly.  I immediately made my way over to the side of the pool and confronted the older “gentleman” with concerns that he had a camera.  He admitted that he had one in his possession, but denied taking ANY pictures while poolside.  That being the case, I offered that he should have no problem letting us review his memory card.  He flatly refused, so I told him it was me or security, but in any case, SOMEONE was going to look at his camera.  We motioned to security and they were upon him in a flash (unbelievable, considering this is Jamaica).  Long story short, he was escorted out of the area for about an hour and returned without his camera.  Discussion with security later revealed there were many pictures of the nude area and of our volleyball game.  In an environment that relies so much on respect and trust, it is particularly egregious for a violation of this nature.   Next time someone pulls that shit, his camera is going into the ocean.  I only wish management would eject these clowns like they are supposed to, but the response was quick and solved the immediate problem.  Anyway, this brings us to a report on the “locals”.  Compared to last year, the locals were out in force; ranging in behavior from benign to borderline harassment.  Some would hover in the shadows and masturbate (then wash their ‘junk’ off in the pool) and others would take the more direct approach.  We never considered them dangerous, but they were definitely not “value added” to our Hedo experience.  Like anywhere, it pays to keep your eyes open.

 

Staff:  We saw a lot off familiar faces this year and a few even remembered Diane.  The service was generally very good; fast, cheerful and accurate.  There was only one occurrence that was noteworthy and that concerned a female staffer at the excursion desk.  She was rude and quire short with us during a transaction, but I figure everyone has the right to have a bad day.  No problem, mon.  Anyway, I continue to be in awe of the EC’s and their schedule.  How to keep that energy level up throughout the day is beyond me!  Spoke at length with the new kid on the block (Akeim (sp?)), and he is great.  Also got to see Spike on his last day and bid him farewell.  Anyway, aside from the aforementioned rudeness, the staff is more than satisfactory (as long as you understand that this is Jamaica).

 

 

 

OK, I think I need to close this thing out before it turns into a novel.  Despite some downs, the Hedo experience continues to be our kind of vacation.  The beauty of this place continues to be the people you meet, and that is exactly what brings us back.  Also for consideration is the aspect of being nude.  I don’t know exactly what it is despite lots of discussion on the matter, but being naked at a party really takes it to a whole different level.  I really feel sorry for the people who can’t make the simple leap.  Some mornings, I would see newcomers hanging out at the prude side and I had to fight the urge to run over and “save” them from a boring vacation!  Anyway, trip #2 is done and we’re looking forward to #3!

 

If anyone has any specific questions, please ask.