Wendy - December, 2007

December 1-8 2007

This was my third trip to H3 and the first trip for my daughter Jessica, her fiance' Artie, and my son Billy.  I can honestly say that this is the first time that I've been majorly disappointed. However, I'll highlight our good experiences before I rant and rave like a lunatic.

GOOD EXPERIENCES:

Saturday:

Our flight landed on time for once and we were quickly through immigration and customs without delay.  We met a couple from our online December yahoo group at the Superclubs lounge and quickly made friends.  After that we walked outside to the bright and blissfully warm Jamaican sun.  I had time for my first of many rum and cokes at the outdoor bar before we were herded to our bus.  90% of the people on the bus were headed to H3, so as far as I'm concerened the party had already started.  The beer stop was short and sweet.  We arrived at the resort 15 minutes later.  HOME!

All of us were placed in the 400 block of the quad area.  We settled in and quickly made our way downstairs so I could show the kids around the resort.  This is where the guys saw the waterslide and it was here that the tour ended for the day.  They were hooked.  Just watching them repeatedly go up the stairs and down the slide again and again tuckered me out, but it was great seeing them have so much fun on something so simple.

We grabbed something to eat at the Regge Cafe (jerk chicken...yet another thing that the guys rapidly became addicted to). We met Donetta, one of the best servers around.  She dubbed me "mama" for the rest of the trip because she thought it was sooooo cool that I brought my kids with me.

Sunday: 

We wanted to go out for some water sports, but unfortunately the water was too choppy and dirty.  We spent the rest of the day wandering around and taking in the sights, napping on the lounges and hanging out in the hot tub.

Monday:

Same as Sunday, but the kids and I went our separate ways.  I chose to lounge around and read my book while catching some rays.  My goal for this vacation was complete and total relaxation doing what *I* wanted to do and only *when* I wanted to do it...if at all.  No fuss, no muss.  I accomplished my goal with flying colors.  "No" was my favorite word when I was asked to do something that required energy.  I don't have that luxury at home. LOL

We went to Muhansen Restaurant at 7pm.  As usual, we weren't disappointed.  Great food and service. The kids loved every minute.

Tuesday: At 10am I had my exfoiliating scrub/massage/pedicure appointment.  This was something that I would suggest as a "must do" before you leave the resort.  I was led into a dimmed room, undressed and laid on the table face down.  The massuse used a pina colada scrub over my entire body front and back.  I was then led to the bathroom where I rinsed off in the shower.  After I towel dried, I laid back on the table and she used a wonderful smelling raspberry oil to knead, rub, and massage those tired and tight muscles front and back, head to toe, back into working order.  I felt like a bowl of jelly after that 2 hour luxury.  I got dressed eventually and she led me to the tent for the pedicure.  My tootsies never looked better.  I felt like a new woman. I got this treatment by using my "Hedo Delights" credits totalling $75 but I still ended up paying another $70.  It was worth every penny.

 I met a few more people that were from our yahoo group and was glad to note that they were totally awesome people.  I got my first pair of nipple rings (clip ons) and found that I liked this particular body jewelry.  They looked very pretty when paired with nothing else but my cowboy hat. LOL

We went to Pastafaries at 7pm. The dinner was delicious but I really couldn't enjoy it because of the air conditioning at full blast. I ended up leaving early.

Even though it was pajama night, I decided to go to bed a wee bit early.  I think all the fun and the sun had caught up to me.  I wasn't there to please anyone else but myself, so I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything.

Wednesday: We got up at "oh god thirty" in the morning to catch the tour jeep for the Bob Marley Tour.  Our driver was very funny and educated us a lot about the local towns and culture.  I had already done this tour once before, but I was looking forward to the kids experiencing it for the first time.  They weren't disappointed.  They looked on in amazement as a rastafarien man poked his head out of a small window in the compound fence to sell joints as big around as a cigar while holding a huge branch of marijuana to illustrate the quality.  The trip back down the mountain was even more hilarious.  The driver took us on what appeared to be an ATV trail and hit the gas...DOWNHILL!  Yee Haw!  There IS a reason that he insists that you wear seatbelts..LOL

The rest of the day was spent snoozing by the pool.  After that, the kids went back to Muhansen's for dinner but I begged off and chilled in my room.  I needed some peace and quiet after the days excitement.

Thursday: Same as the rest of the days, but this was Toga night.  I had brought my own material and I think I did pretty well fashioning my own.  You gotta love wal-mart when it comes to getting your toga stuff cheaply.  I didn't win the female Toga contest, but I had a lot of fun shaking my booty on stage and getting in the conga line.  The guy who won the male contest couldn't have been more than 20 years old, but he sure knew how to shake that booty. LOL

Friday: I decided that since this is my last night at the resort, I'm going to get stinking drunk.  (Its actually funny that I didn't feel compelled to drink that much this time around. Hmmm.)  I guess it must have something to do with being a single female.  I normally have my husband there and I always knew that if I *did* get drunk, I would be safe.  However, I didn't feel comfortable getting really plastered and compromising my sense of caution.  I shouldn't have gotten drunk on Friday though.  My head felt like a bomb went off inside of it the next morning and I was NOT looking forward to driving an hour and a half to our next resort with a hangover. Blech!

All in all, we had fun because we came to relax, but knowing how it *could* have been for the kids first trip...I was still disappointed.

DISSAPOINTMENTS: 

When I book a resort, I expect to receive amneities, services, and activities that I pay for.  I understand that sometimes improvements and/or repairs must be made to keep the resort running smoothly.  However, if these improvements/repairs could negatively impact my stay, I expect that I will be notified in advance so I can make an informed decision on whether or not I want to go there anyway, or stay at another resort.

Imagine my shock at check-in when the receptionist informed me that the nude side was closed for renovations.  I PAID to have this amenity and I had booked over a year in advance.  There was plenty of time to send me an email or to phone me of the changes. Had I known that they were going to close the nude side during my stay, I would have gone to a different resort such as H2.  I was already at check-in and as it was, I felt that it was too much of a pain in the ass to be transferred even though some people did just that.

The powers that must have decided that we still had the quad to frolic naked in and that should be good enough. NOT!  We not only lost our private completely nude play area, but we also lost the nude bar and grill.  This was a big no-no.  To make up for the loss, they put out a crappy buffet table that contained the same food EVERY day.  Nachos, cheese sauce, meat sauce, french fries, burgers and dogs and salad. Boring.  They could have at least had something different each day to break up the monotony.  Some jerk pork, jerk chicken, ham, fried potatoes, baked potatoes with fixings..etc. would have been much appreciated.

Since the nude side was closed down, there were only two available jacuzzis.  Not many people wanted to climb the steps to the disco jacuzzi, so more often than not the quad jacuzzi was jammed.  I don't mind getting close with some people, but this was down right ridiculous half the time.

The scheduled activites were hit and miss. A lot of the more entertaining activites that I was looking forward to, were supposed to be on the nude side, but with that closed down, they either eliminated them or conducted them somewhere else without notification of the new location.  We tried to follow the schedule that they provided in our rooms, but it proved useless. To my knowlege, there was no dinner on the beach like last year, no human sundae/body shots/chants on Sunday, dirty truth or dare, drinking games, naughty scavenger quest, etc.  There *was* trivia games at the quad in the morning, body shots were on Saturday (instead of Sunday like the schedule said), erotic body painting late one afternoon where everyone paraded around the prude area.

Their disclamer states that the schedule and activities are subject to change without notice, but this time, they pretty much eliminated everything.

Rude at the Prude:  As I was waiting for our tour jeep to show up, I decided to get a drink of water before I went.  Rather than walking over to the Terrace, I ambled up to the bar.  The bartender was just setting up.  I know that they don't open that early, but as I was not requesting alcohol or anything complicated, I figured a glass of water wasn't a big deal.  Apparently it was.  When I asked, she snapped "We're not open yet!" and she walked away.  I walked over to the terrace and gave her the universal one fingered salute. What a witch.

Vender Bender: The venders are getting ridiculous and aggressive. I was unfortunate enough to walk by their tables one day.  I wasn't interested in buying anything and I told them "no thank you".  They were very rude in their responses.  They need to put them outside the resort where they belong.  It's my opinion that they believe we all have unlimited money and we're just ignoring them because we're just being stingy.  Also, always take cash with you and make sure you have small bills.  They will claim to not have change and encourage you to buy more so you spend the whole $20 bill.  Don't bother trying to get change from the front desk, guest services or the gift shop. They'll tell you that you're out of luck as well.  (A little while later, my daughter bought something and the vender pulled out a wad of bills...so I know damn well that she was trying to hook me into more than I wanted to spend.)

The Guest Jest:  Guest services always calls to see how your stay is a day or two after arriving.  It's only a formality.  They don't really give a damn if you have a complaint.  I was honest and I told her I was pissed about the nude pool being closed and not told about it ahead of my arrival.  I told her about my jacuzzi not working, my remote going on the blink, the missing activites and the EC's appearing as if they're bored half the time. She didn't seem too interested in complaints. I wanted to speak with the manager, but they apparently never passed along the message.

The phone zone: Ok..you put $50 as a deposit down to use the phone.  You make a call and within a few minutes you are disconnected.  You call back and again within minutes you are disconnected.  Sometimes you can't get connected at all.  Regardless, you are charged $3.00 for connecting and about $1.00 for each additional minute.  This leads me to believe that these disconnections are deliberate in order to get you to pay another $3.00 connection fee. After the $50 was used up, I had to pay another $70 at check-out for the phone.  My calling card nor my credit card would work.  I had no choice because I had to keep tabs on my husband who was in the hospital at the time.  Talk about sticker shock!  Sheesh.

Terrace Restaurant: This is a simple complaint, but one in which illustrates that the quality of service is declining slowly but surely.  When a person used to sit down for breakfast, the tables were already set and ready to go.  Before a minute went by, there would be a server ready to quickly pour coffee, water and juice.  What the hell...I couldn't find a server to save my life.  I had to get up and get it myself...if I could find an available glass for the water that is.  Small thing sure...but something that I used to consider one of the small luxuries.

Pastafari Weather: Geez!  It was below freezing in this restaurant!  All of the air conditioners were on full blast.  It was SO cold that I had to go outside to thaw my buns.  My daughter was freezing as well and her fiance was kind enough to give her his shirt.  Sure enough the shirt police showed up within seconds telling him to put his shirt back on.  I told them to turn the air conditioning down please and we wouldn't need a coat.  They said "no can do".  I didn't even finish my meal.  I went strait over to the quad and stopped my shivering by plunging into the hot tub.

Lack of Ashtrays:  This is so simple but every year it's the same or worse.  Most of the people smoke and they NEED ashtrays.  None of our rooms had ashtrays in them.  Luckily I remembered to bring my own.  At the quad, you were lucky to find one or two around the pool.  The bartender never had any extras.  Of course, this lack led to everyone using their drink glasses for their butts.  Even as a smoker myself, it grosses me out to think that I'll eventually be drinking from one of these glasses..even though they've been washed. YUCH!

Pool towels: As usual, they were all out of pool towels fairly early in the day.  I was lucky enough to grab a clean one early on and I kept it hidden in my room so the maid wouldn't take it. 

Bob Marley Drinks: Ok, this is a small complaint.  My son got a Bob Marley drink over at the Regge Cafe.  He absolutely LOVED it.  However, when we tried to get him another one at the prude bar, the bartender looked at us like we were crazy and said that they're not allowed to make them.  I'm like "say what??"  Apparently he thought we were talking about the FLAMING Bob Marley.  He obviously had no idea that you can make them *without* setting the drink on fire.  We had to go back to the Regge Cafe to get Billy his drink.  We walked some miles that night.

Pedophile look alike: There was a couple down there that resembled a pedophile and his sweet little girl victim.  Even though I was told that the "girl" was actually 24 years old..it still gave me the wilies.  I felt guilty just looking at her.  She was no more than 4 feet tall, small juvenile appearing breasts, very skinny and a very tiny butt.  She even had braces for heavens sakes.  Her husband was easily 6 feet tall, about 300 lbs and when they were seen walking hand in hand, it looked really disturbing on so many levels.  Oh well, I just kept my distance and closed my eyes when they were around. Don't get me wrong though. They were very nice and a lot of fun to talk to, but I just couldn't shake the pedophile image long enough to get to know them better.  I wish them a happy and long marriage regardless.

I did fill out the famous card at checkout to tell them *exactly* how I felt.  I made sure to mention the problems that I had and I also told them that I should have been comp'd a few days for my inconveniences and their lack of informing me ahead of time about the nude side renovations and other things that made my stay less than desireable (including the fact that the manager never did get ahold of me.) I also stated on the card that it's highly unlikely that I'll be back next year unless the problems that I had are compensated appropriately.