Julie and Joe (rookie trip) December 10th-16th
Background. Been married many years and come from a conservative (think AMISH) area. Neither of us had ever even been out of the country before. That said, let me forewarn you that this may be the "tamest" trip report ever as far as personal experiences. I felt like a kid who was at Disney World and told to watch all the parades you want, just no riding any rides. I wasn't going to write one but I thought it may help all the men out there who have "shy" wives who aren't sure if this is really the place for them. In a nutshell, it's simply paradise and I would go back in a heartbeat. So we begin….
The male half of the relationship booked the trip back in August. It had been a rough year for me so he thought this would be a good way to end 2006. A huge mistake I made was not having a passport. You didn’t "technically" need one but it would have made things a lot easier. I show up with birth certificate and drivers license. Never thought about the fact that my maiden name is NOT what is on my license. The lady at immigration was staring at me in silence for 5 minutes deciding what to do. I told her if she didn't want my money, I would stay there and process people and SHE could go with my husband to Hedo. She stamped it and we moved on to the luggage claim.
Arrival in Mobay: I will say that I was shocked and disappointed at the rude people manning the Super clubs lounge at the airport. I just got off of a 4 hour plane trip and the women INSISTED I queue up for the bus before I went to the restroom. I don't think so. That bus could wait 5 minutes. Culture shock once outside waiting for the "bus". I was having a hard time hearing because my ears wouldn't POP but I think people thought I was being rude because of their language. That was not the case at all. I found the dialect to be one of the most charming things I'd ever heard. The bus ride there was all it was promised and worse. It took him 15 minutes to get us after we were outside despite the lady being in such a hurry to get me on the bus. We were the only passengers. I had been up a good 36 hours prior so I was not in the best of moods. This did not stop him from going on and on about the roadways and assorted other information including the DO YOU PARTY question. I told him that we both get drug tests at work (not true) but this did not deter him one bit. I BEGGED him not to make the mandatory pit stop because all I wanted was a shower and a nap at this point. I totally understand the kickbacks and the need to boost the local economy but I just didn't want to stop at night. We stopped anyway. The bus wouldn't start up. So, the husband has to get out and push. I thought that was funny. He is not exactly into any kind of physical labor in general. We arrived safe and sound and I was happy to give the driver money to leave us alone.
Again I am disappointed at the check in procedures. The lady at the front desk (I know I should have remembered her name) was not setting anything on fire with her service. I understand the laid back culture and I am not a demanding person. Over 1/2 hour just to get to a room by 9 pm when I know the place wasn't really booked to the gills or entertaining any large groups. I asked her for Jamaican coins (the only thing my kid requested for her coin collection). You would have thought I asked her for a dildo or something. She said she had NO Jamaican money. Wow. I'm in Jamaica and can't get coins for my American money. I tried the store and got the exact same response. Maybe it was lack of sleep on my part that I was so grumpy. I learned to just to go with the flow.
The room: 116 in the QUAD. Requested ROH when we booked not having any idea of the actual layout of the place. I was VERY happy with the room itself and it's placement. Everything worked fine. Thank god I didn't have to do steps while drinking. Love the 1st floor. We were DIRECTLY in line with the hot tub. That was a good thing. You could tell we were first timers--they guy that helped with the luggage almost had a hernia from it. He just laughed at me. He immediately introduced me to Sunshine and all was good with the world.
I have to tell you that I am very anal. No, really a type A kinda person. I like to read as much as I can about things. Then I plan. I also like to participate in any fun and games. So, theme nights were right up my alley. Remember--we are a tad on the conservative side so Halloween allowed for us to buy some outfit/accessory items. Husband seemed into it at the time and he packed accordingly. Let's just say I was totally disappointed in this. I thought you wear the "stuff" to dinner, watch the shows, hit the Piano bar and go to the Disco. I learned that the Nude side of Hedo must sleep during that time because they only seem to come out after midnight in the disco. Maybe because a large and organized group wasn't there at this particular time, but it didn't seem like many people at all were into the theme nights. I just felt that if the EC's do the same thing, week after week, and try to get people involved, it was the least we could do. Then again, if I were a repeater, I probably would have better things to do then watch the shows and dress up for Pimp and Ho night.
So--everyone knows the drill PRUDE or NUDE. Well, I had no problem with either, but, as it turned out, my husband declared we were on the PRUDE BEACH AND THAT WAS THE RULE. We shared our beach with about 1% of the other resort members. That was all good with me. I LOVE the beach and I just don't see the point in hanging by a pool when the real ocean is nearby. Never fought for a lounger/floatie/towel the entire week. We still had interesting company on our side. "Pappy" and his mail order Russian wife. He was about 78 and smiling so much his face hurt. At least I didn't have to see him with his shorts off the whole time he was there. Svetlana was just incredible. She was about 28 and had the body of a centerfold. They even had matching clothes. It was sweet in a gross sort of way. I don't think even Viagra could help him but that didn’t stop him from sucking her toes or slapping her buns while she floated. Monday-Wed her and I were the only two in the ocean except for visits from our men to bring us drinks. Thursday, they were gone and a new couple took their place. The man was short but solid and the woman was nothing short of AMAZING. She wore nothing but an orange, string thong that constantly gave my husband the urge to floss. She was quite frisky but behaved in the daylight hours. Never figured out why they didn't go to the "dark side" of the Nudes. I did venture over to the nude side for a bit in the evenings but the bugs over there seemed to like me too much. What ended up happening is that the "normal" people would have nude hot tub fun at night. Well, the "Beautiful People" didn't want to be with the normal folk so they ended up taking over the QUAD hot tub every night. There was NO NEED for the Playboy channel once that happened. All I had to do was open my door. Yes, I know I'm sheltered but it looked like some of the best looking people that I have EVER seen just decided to get together and converge, all night, every night. WOW. It was a beautiful thing.
The absolute best thing about HEDO (besides the obvious) is the people who work there. The EC's were top rate (although Spike had PMS the first few days), the dive crew were fabulous and the CIRCUS MEN were my #1. I would adopt any and all of them if they would only put up with a little snow. They all rejected my offers much to my disappointment. The most fun I had all week with my clothes on was the Trapeze. WOW. That was a rush. I have promised myself to get dive certified before I go back there. I did snorkel almost every day. I did the Kayak too. Loved all that stuff. I would have loved to be involved in a bunch more of the games and activities but the magnetic force of the floatie in relation to my butt was just too strong for me to move. My favorite part of the week was when the nutty folks from the nude side did the nekkid slide run and took over the QUAD. I asked the hubby to get us drinks and the next thing he saw was my bathing suit flying off and me lining up for a great game of water volleyball. He just stood there for about 10 minutes until it sunk it. Then came the body shots. My husband heard that announcement and came running. That was all good. To the beautiful husband and wife who have been married 22 years and were dancing on the fountain circle--you two are great. She could be a professional stripper and he took a lot of ribbing from the beautiful Destiny about his moves. This was my only real interaction with the nudes and they were an absolute blast.
God Bless New Orleans and, especially, Jamey. Girls were there to have fun and fun they had. A bunch of them all crammed in rooms around mine. And every one was black and beautiful. Jamey must have won herself a CASE of RUM because that girl loved to shake it. They asked my husband to take lots of pictures of them (he still can't stop smiling) and to be the fill in body shot licker. I thought he was going to have a heart attack. Guys, if you ever get pulled over by that cop in the Big Easy, you'd better behave!!! They were great fun to be around the whole week.
Now, I'm not a small girl and I also come from the land of the massive, all you can gorge buffets. Let me tell you--the food was great. We ate in the Terrace Buffet every day, every meal except for a few Jerk Chickens at the Scotch Bonnet. The chef was top rate and checked all of the food constantly. The woman who ran the staff at the place was a bit rough--lighten up woman. The wait staff was excellent and never let my water get lower than 1/2 full. We would eat about 8 pm and stay for the entire show. The house band was the best but the singers they brought in from MOBAY are missing out on a great career like Sean Paul has. We have their business card. We have contacts who book local clubs but I found out most Jamaican's do not want to come to the US because of all the paperwork and money that it costs. I really appreciated all the talent that was on that stage every night. I also thank all of the participants from the audience who got up on stage for various contests. Especially the man who had to dress like the HO. I must have been one of the three women in the whole place who was actually wearing a BRA to give it up to him. Something about watching one man put my undergarments on another man has me scared for life.
One gross thing and it was no body's fault. There was a dead cat outside of the dining room next to the main bar one night. It took them a while to remove it after I told the front desk. I LOVED the cats at the place. You would see one or two tiny ones wandering around looking for food. But, I am just a big animal lover in general. So, all that said. Buy lots of crap at the gift shop--you won't get it cheaper anywhere else. Take your own batteries. The first timers are the ones with the cameras--hey, my mom wanted to see SOMETHING of Jamaica. I didn't offend anyone by taking their pictures. Just my own and some scenery. It was very lush and tropical. I totally intend on return trips even if it's just to watch the fun. I don't think I laughed that hard in a long time. I met lovely and interesting people and it was the only vacation I've ever had were I could truly RELAX from the minute I got there until I had to show up at the airport to return to this stress I call life. One warning to some of the ladies out there. I have an immune disorder--no NOT THAT immune disorder. I just tend to get every bug and such. Well, apparently my nether regions soaked in water/lube way too long and I started getting a skin breakdown. This further caused a RASH on my ass after a night in the hot tub. YUCK. The good news--it was nothing that a little cream couldn't fix BUT it did give me a scare. I could possible have been the ONLY person in the history of HEDO to "behave" and still come back with VD.
Feel free to email me with any questions because I totally believe that this is a place that everyone should go to in their lifetime. If only I knew about it earlier…..
Joe & Julie