Trip Report- August 7-14, 2005
I almost hate to write a trip report, because it means that my vacation has truly come to an end. The Dreaded Island Fever (DIF) is definitely starting to set in as the afterglow fades. I know that I will end up leaving out many, many details of my trip, but I will try to remember as much as my alcohol soaked, smoke-filled brain will allow. Of course, I have changed all of the names and most of the identifying characteristics to protect the (not-so) innocent.
The trip actually started off kind of badly. One word of advice- if you can help it, NEVER get a connection in Miami. I ended up being delayed in Miami for about 3.5 hours, so the flight that should have gotten into Mo Bay at 8:42 pm ended up arriving at about midnight. Luckily, customs and immigration was a breeze and Mitzy, my travel companion, and I were the only ones on the bus, so there was no obligatory beer/restroom stop. We arrived at H3 at about 2am. Our room was ready but was not in good shape- there was an odor (paint or bug spray, we couldn’t decide), the bathroom wasn’t especially clean, and the two twin beds were pushed together to make a king. We had to call housekeeping to get them to make the beds up as twins so by the time all of this was done, it was about 3am and neither of us had any desire to do anything but crash.
The next day, I woke up at about 7:30 and headed to the gym. I noticed that it had 3 new stationary bikes, a new treadmill, and an elliptical cross-trainer. I worked out, showered and went to breakfast- my favorite meal of the day. Unlike H2, people were pretty standoffish, and I ended up eating alone, although I did try to strike up conversations with people in the buffet line. After breakfast, I found my contact to find out what aerobics classes I would be teaching (I was the guest instructor for the week).
After water aerobics, I met a very attractive, fit couple, Steve and Bambi, who were headed over to the nude pool. “When are you getting naked?” they asked. “I’ll be over there eventually,” I replied. Little did they know that I have absolutely no problem getting nude. I wandered around for awhile, and saw a few people from last year’s Wild Women group, including Ron, who had a very beautiful, young wife, Erin. I asked where Erin was, and he said that she was being interviewed for a VH1 special on the Wild Women. After I talked to Ron for a bit, I went to the nude side, where I promptly took off my suit and sat down on the shallow side of the pool. I sat there wondering what to do next, when a woman came up to me and said, “Look at you, posing like you’re about to take a picture!” From that point on, I wasn’t lonely anymore. I saw Steve and Bambi, who said, “You’ve been here before, right? We can tell by how fast you took off your suit. I was also introduced to a few other couples: Tom and Violet, Fred and Beulah (Fred had the most amazing Prince Albert piercing, and Beulah was absolutely gorgeous) as well as a single guy named Monty. We sat and talked all afternoon, with lots of innuendo in the air.
Later, Mitzy and I decided to take some naked pictures on the rocks next to the Scotch Bonnet. When Mitzy was posing, a boat with three little boys came paddling by. I could see their smiles from where I was standing. I think seeing Mitzy naked made their whole year! After our photo shoot, we went to the Scotch Bonnet to eat. I had another meal fit for a king but we both noticed that the service wasn’t very good. We expected the usual delay in getting served and getting our food, but the waitresses were downright rude. When I requested another food item after receiving my plate, I thought that the waitress was going to curse at me. It was really surprising.
When we finished eating, we went back to the room and hung out for a bit and dozed off and on, After resting, we went to the dining room to see showtime. No matter how little you think you have on, there are about 50 people wearing even less. We sat with the crew from the nude pool, and after the show, we went to the Piano Bar for a few drinks before going to the disco. The girls and I got in the cage, and we put on quite a show on the pole. Monty and I danced for awhile, and to my surprise, he was really good. We had a “dance-off” and attracted quite a crowd. I started to feel like I was on the set of the movie, “You Got Served.” We called it a tie, but I think he got the best of me. After the disco, the crew decided to go over to the nude hot tub, but by then I was pretty tired and went to bed.
The next day was more of the same- workout, breakfast, water aerobics. Water aerobics was on the nude side, so a number of people participated. After class, I walked around and saw Ron and Erin from last year, who introduced me to some more people, including an exotic girl named Maria. Let me tell you, I’m definitely into men, but Maria was absolutely gorgeous. She was there with her husband, Pedro, and we all became fast friends. Later that day, Mitzy and I decided to hang out by the quad pool and Monty joined us. He actually was very nice to talk to. He said that the person in the room before him had left some “Jamaican treat” and since he didn’t smoke, he passed it on to me.
After dinner, Mitzy and I changed into our skimpy outfits for the pajama party. A Hedo PJ party is unlike any other. It’s more like a skimpy costume party than anything else, because most people definitely don’t sleep in those outfits. We met up with the crew, and danced and hung out. I also danced for quite awhile with Maria. We eventually all left the disco and then went to the nude hot tub, then to the quad hot tub. From nowhere, Pedro produced some “Jamaican treat” and we relaxed and smoked till about 2am, when I went to bed.
The next day, it seemed as if the sexual innuendos intensified, and people seemed much more inclined to touch me. For example, I was sitting at the nude bar talking, when Monty decided that he would lick my nipple. I asked him what he was doing, then he licked the other one. He then told Richard, another single guy who was part of the crew, “Tastes pretty good, try it.” “Hey!” I protested. I’m not a piece of meat! I know they were joking around, but I decided to get out of the pool just in case it went any further and I became the lollipop of the day.
Mitzy and I went back to the Scotch Bonnet, where the service was still remarkably bad (although the food was great). After eating, I saw Maria found me and asked if I was going to be in the disco that evening, because she wanted to hang out with me again. I said that I would, but it didn’t happen. Mitzy and I went back to the room and I sat outside to smoke. I got a bit nervous because the security guard came up to me and asked what I was smoking. I sheepishly showed her the bag of “Jamaican treat.” She told me not to worry, she wasn’t going to bother me. I went back in the room and Mitzy and I decided to take a nap. Although it was about 7pm when we laid down, we slept through the night.
After almost 12 hours of sleep, I woke up refreshed. I had a great workout, meal, and I spent the day hanging out with the crew at the nude pool. A number of people started arriving, including more of Steve, Bambi, Tom and Violet’s friends from their hometown. Some of them were prudish and refused to get naked at all, but a few did let it all hang out. A lesbian couple also arrived. While most of the Wild Women were “lipstick lesbians,” this couple had very defined gender roles. That afternoon they gave us quite a show as the more masculine one ate her girlfriend out with abandon on a lounge chair. They attracted a large crowd that was amazed by her skill.
Later, I picked up my toga material. Every year, I try to do something a little different (and sexy) with my toga. Mitzy was smart and had brought a beautiful white outfit to wear. It was Mitzy’s birthday, so after giving her a present, we went to Pastafarai. The service was good but leisurely, so if you’re extremely hungry, you should get a snack before going there. Afterwards, we went to the dining room, where David, the dining room manager, had set up a beautiful table for Mitzy and brought her a cake and champagne.
After the toga party, Maria, Pedro, and I went to the disco, while Mitzy went back to the room because she was getting a migraine. Maria, Pedro and I danced together like we were in our own world. Afterwards, we decided to go to the hot tub for awhile. We watched a guy I had met earlier in the week go down on one a girl who I would have sworn was a prude. She was definitely enjoying herself, though! After awhile, it got too hot and the antics got a little too much (there was some thrusting going on without protection). I made sure I took a shower when I got back to the room- you never know what kinds of stuff is floating around in the hot tub.
The next day, I continued my normal routine, and also played a terrible game of ping-pong. At one point I tried to go back to my room to take a nap, but I couldn’t sleep. When I went back to the room, Mitzy wasn’t there. The room hadn’t been cleaned either, which kind of pissed me off, because it was after 3pm. I decided to go to the gym and do a short workout. When I went back to the room the housekeeper was just getting there- and it was after 5pm! I took a shower and went to get something to eat with the crew.
I found finally found Mitzy and we met up with the crew at Pastafari that evening. Mitzy even got a little frisky and showed her breasts at the dinner table! We had a wonderful dinner talking about old tv shows and movies. Afterwards, we went to the disco. Mitzy got in the cage and was in her own little world, while I was a dancing fool! People kept coming up to me to tell me what a great dancer I was. I even got on the pole by myself and did a few tricks, including flipping upside down and sliding slowly down. I danced with Monty and I think I beat him in the “dance-off” this time. After some time, the crew decided to go to the dining room to hit the late-night buffet. Tom got his laptop and downloaded his pictures. I got to see what I looked like while upside down on the pole. The funniest part about it was that the pictures showed a guy sitting at the edge of the bar watching me. The expression on his face looked like he had won a jackpot. We intended to hang at the quad hot-tub but when I got there I was hit with an overwhelming wave of tiredness and decided to call it a night.
The next day was pretty sad, because most of the crew was leaving. That afternoon, the guest relations person made a courtesy call to the room, and Mitzy went off! I was pretty amused at her descriptions of how poor the service had been. She said that the housekeepers had done a job that was “perfunctory at best.” After her tirade, Mitzy went to the quad bar to some ice and saw that Fred and Beulah were right outside the room. They came in and we sat down and talked while Mitzy took a bath. We tried to smoke from my pipe, but that quickly proved to be a futile endeavor.
After a short nap, Mitzy and I went to the dining room. Mitzy’s bus to the airport left at 3am, so I wanted to spend some time with her before she left. We spotted Fred and Beulah and sat with them to watch the show. After showtime, Mitzy and I went up to the piano bar for karaoke. Mitzy has an amazing voice, and I had waited all week to hear her sing. The entertainment coordinators tried to persuade everyone to sing, but I said that I would need a few more drinks, because I can’t carry a tune in a bucket! Mitzy entertained us all with her fabulous voice, and a few other people got up and sang wonderfully too. Finally, I got up and sang Superfreak by Rick James and had a great time- it’s a fun song, and I made it more about performance (lots of booty shaking) because I know I sounded terrible. More and more people came in, and it actually ended up being really fun.
After awhile in the piano bar, we all left to go to the disco. I saw Maria and we danced together while Pedro took pictures. I got up on the bar again and did another pole dance. It was like the whole crowd stopped to watch me, and I loved the attention.
Mitzy had snuck out, so Maria, Pedro and I went to look for her. We found her in the room, reading a book. At 2:30 am, the bellman had still not come to collect Mitzy’s bags, so we took them to the lobby. Mitzy was very annoyed (the reception staff said that the bellman had been “on his way”) and she wrote a scathing comment card. She watched the staff person promptly drop it into the trash can, too. Since her bus wasn’t there, I walked to the quad pool and was followed and harassed by a gardener. I tried to ditch him by going to the disco, where I saw the lesbian couple in the hot tub next to the disco. They invited me to join them but I politely declined.
I finally went back to the lobby and said goodbye to Mitzy. Luckily, the bus was on time. I think she would have cursed out everyone in sight if the bus had been late. I went over to the nude side, convinced that I would just stay up all night until my bus came at 9am. As I swam up to the bar, a Black couple who I had never seen before began talking to me. They both marveled at how pretty I was, and began touching my ass and breasts. I found out that the man was married, and the woman was his wife’s girlfriend. His wife was asleep in the room. Only at Hedo!
I had a few drinks, while the Black couple scooted closer and closer. I could hear them talking about me, and the man was hard as his girlfriend (?) rubbed against him. I watched another couple having sex in the pool. I decided to get into the hot tub. The Black couple got in as well after a few minutes, and the lesbian couple showed up and got in too. Both couples started making out. I was just enjoying watching the action around me. The Black couple kept giving me inviting looks, but I didn’t want to partake.
After watching for awhile, I decided to go back to my room. As I walked back, the same gardener from earlier started following me and harassing me again. I was scared at this point and rushed back to my room, hoping that he didn’t have a key. As soon as I drifted off to sleep (at about 5:30), there was a knock at the door. I jumped, thinking that it was the gardener. It was one of the security guards, strangely enough. He asked if I needed the continental breakfast the next morning. “No,” I said, thinking it weird that he would come to my door to ask that. I was really nervous by then, so it took me awhile to go back to sleep.
I finally drifted off, and at 7:25, there was a knock on the door. It was the bellman, coming to collect my bags. I was confused, and showed him my eviction letter stating that my bags would be picked up at 8, and my bus would depart at 9. He called the front desk, which said that my bus was leaving at 8am! I told him that I’d bring my bags to the front, and that I’d make the bus. I took the quickest shower imaginable and ran to the front to check out. I told the front desk about the incorrect paperwork, and got a very nonchalant apology.
When the bus arrived, I boarded and fell asleep immediately. When we were about 20 minutes from the airport, I awoke with a jolt. “I left my camera on the bed!” I thought, panicky. I didn’t know what to do. I definitely didn’t want to leave Jamaica without it- besides being a digital camera, it had all of my memories! When we arrived at the airport I explained the situation to the driver and asked him to call the hotel. He didn’t have the phone number, but he escorted me to the Superclubs desk, where I explained what happened. They called the hotel and I sat, nervously waiting for the hotel to check my room. Finally, the representative came back and said that the camera was not in the room. I checked my bag, moved some things around and- the camera was there. It had been there all along!
When I went to check into my flight, though, I was told that I was too late because flights close 45 minutes prior to departure. I tried to get onto the next flight, but the agent said that the connecting flight was overbooked and she didn’t know when I would get home. Jeez. I went to the Air Jamaica counter to see about availability. I was told that there were seats available on the 4:50pm flight (it was now about 11:30am), but that it would cost me $440. Damn! After buying my ticket, I collapsed into a seat and fell asleep. After I was allowed to check in, I ate, bought a couple of souvenirs and spent the dozed until time to board. The funny thing is that I wasn’t even angry about the extra money or missing my flight. I had such a fabulous time, met some great people, and had so many adventures that it didn’t even matter. I can’t wait to return.
Special Thanks: Alison (from the dining room- the nicest server there), David (Dining Room Manager), Donna Grant (my buddy!), Nicole Davidson (my aerobics contact), Climaxx (sorry we didn’t get to dance), Romeo (a real sweetie), and of course the crew- we’re going to have to get together before next year!