Yada yada bus trip, yada yada food at the resort, yada yada H2/H3 comparison. Read too many trip reports talking about the same old same old. What I wanted to know before I went was ‘what’s the story with the chicks putting-out at H3?’ and ‘would there be as much poon-tang pie partaking as t’internet and tv would have me believe?’ Here’s my chat from this pervy little Scotsman’s perspective.
First off, my opinion of the pussy fountain. Now, I’m sure I’ve seen a photo on t’internet somewhere, where there was a chick standing on a podium with a jet of water shooting right up her fanny, (UK sense of the word), and that jet would have cleared 15 feet if she wasn’t standing there. My dame kind of organised some chicks we knew to get up on the wee podium but the water was not more than a dribble so there was no way they would have got off on it, so bit disappointed about that. Maybe they increase the water pressure at other times, but it was kind of lame when I was there.
Pyjama party was definitely a highlight. Mainly though, because I got first place for best pjs; received a bottle of rum for winning.
Before heading up to disco for the pyjama night, a large group of us were meeting in the piano bar, and there were folks dressed (or undressed) in various outfits. As the piano guy played, some chicks started getting up on the tables and started dancing away together – always good. Then another chick, who was up on the table, started getting eaten out by her hubby, right at the front of the room next to the piano!! The guy mustn’t have had much for dinner cos he looked hungry – hard to tell where his moustache ended and she started. (Shout out to Illinois)
My chick to her eternal credit was trying to hook up with lesbians in the piano bar, and was asking a couple of them (who weren’t too bad looking – not the butch dykey kind at all) if she could take photos of them kissing and grabbing each other. Of course, they didn’t mind at all. One of them must have been bi cos her hubby then showed me photos on his digi camera of what they had been up to in previous nights; full girl on girl action.
I then did a little strip tease to reveal the outfit – let me tell you, chicks dig the plastic ass. You would have thought the sprinklers system had come on in that room cos the seats were all moist once I showed the full outfit. (E-mail me ladies to see the pictures of my ensemble in all its glory).
We then moved up to the disco where things really started to hot up. There is a cage at the side of the dance floor and people were going in there and having sex, as well as people having sex up against a wall. I take my hat off however to the one guy who was getting a blowie on the middle of the dance floor. Nothing too outrageous about that at Hedo, but in one hand he was taking a sip of his Red Stripe (not Bud Light, good boy) and in the other hand, was taking photos of the chick giving him the blowie (even better boy).
**While I’m mentioning Red Stripe, I was shocked to hear people complain when they were there that the resort didn’t have Bud Light on tap (and since I’ve been writing this, on this board as well). I really don’t know what’s wrong with these people. If you cant go a week or 2 without complaining that you can’t get the usual cat’s piss you’re used to, don’t go to Hedo.**
Anyways, back to the jim jam night. I had requested the dj to put on Big Poppa by Notorious BIG so when he put that on, I had to go up onto the bar (they have steps up) and do a little pole dance (there is a pole on the bar).
Then the piano bar chicks started dancing up on the bar, and then also another chick who for pyjamas apparently wears a bracelet around her waist (not the most practical pjs, I fail to see how that will stop the bed bugs biting, but fair enough) joined them. The lesbians from the piano bar were up to their usual female based tom-foolery, and apparently they had said that we could go back to their room and watch them get it on, but unfortunately they left without us knowing, and they were leaving the resort the next day. I was absolutely gutted and distraught. Still am.
I would say that the pyjama party was the best night, but the toga party was pretty good as well. My chick was lookin hot hot hot – although I must say that I take most of the credit for her stunning appearance. One of the couples had lycra paint, (shout out to San Fran & Jersey). So for the top half of her outfit, we decided to paint my hand print on her DDs. Needless to say this was a meticulous job that took time and effort to complete. It’s a good job I’m a boob expert because in the ‘hands’ of a novice such an intricate paint job could have looked rubbish. I’m not one to blow my own trumpet (too many ribs) but she received quite a few compliments on her boobs that evening – when that happened I said thank you, cos of course they were talking about the paint job and not the wondrous double Ds which were unleashed for the evening. Just remembered, one of the guys in our group actually accused me of being gay because I was taking so long to paint them!!! Where’s his logic!?!?! Taking a long time so I can ogle them up close makes me gay?? Dummy. Only problem with the lycra paint was afterwards there was a small rash in the shape of my hands of where the paint had been on her cha chas for a few days after. As I am sure you can appreciate – anything that hurts the boobs, hurts me, so I had to give them a few kisses to make them feel better. (Yes ladies, I am that considerate).
To be honest, the toga party was the night I was the most drunk in the 2 weeks in Jamaica, and some of the specifics of the evening are lost on me – which is possibly for the best. One thing I can remember though is I had again requested Big Poppa by the dj, so when that came on, I again went up onto the bar and shook what my momma gave me
As I was dancing away, some other chicks came up to dance on the bar as well. Being the gentleman and chivalrous individual that I am, hello ladies, I stepped aside to let them have more room to dance (so I could get a better angle to perv at them, allegedly). Unfortunately, my foot slipped off the side of the bar and I fell backwards off the side of the bar. Thanks Jesus H Christ that there was a Wally standing there that caught me. I wouldn’t have totally messed myself up and fallen victim to the Hedo Creep curse if he hadn’t been there. So folks, that just goes to show that Wallies do have a purpose after all. As I said, I had a fair bit of tequila that night, and it certainly had the fire-water affect on me. For some reason, I was slappin this guys ass, doesn’t make me gay of course (I’m a raving heterosexual), but he looked at me and then gave me his wife and said slap her ass instead. Result.
The rest of the night is kind of hazy, but me and my chick ended up by the naked hot tub. Apparently, and I can’t remember this, but one French chick (I’ll give her her own paragraph) and some other chick were giving me a blowie. I don’t remember this, no recollection. And gents, as we all know, if we can’t remember it, then it didn’t happen. Anyways, at the start of the evening, I had our room key around my neck on my chain, but when we finally got back to the room I realised that I had lost the room key. Not only that, but it dawned on me that I had lost my toga outfit and my flip flops. I hold my hand up on this one, I was a wee bitty careless that night. As we were outside with no way of getting in, I ran completely naked to the front desk – I am sure security was trying to chase me, but there was no chance they were going to catch me on account of the aerodynamics created by having no clothes on. I suspect if the GB track and field read this in time for the Olympics, we could finally get some gold medals.
Anyways, I got another key and got back to the room, and promptly passed out.
The next day, I went around the lost properties lookin for my flip flops and my chain. No joy. No idea what happened to them, although I suspect one of the chicks that gave me a blowie has kept it for sentimental value.
Another good night was the fetish night. My dame had a bitchin’ leather costume (no photos of this I’m afraid), and I was wearing a bow tie, attached to a leash, white boxer shorts with a thong she had bought from the gift shop underneath. Ladies, I take my hat off to you. Maybe its because you have less protrusions down there, but thongs are very uncomfy so I don’t know how you wear them so much, (right up in between the cheeks – ouch), but I’m glad you do. It was that night I think (they are all kind of blurred together) that we got jiggy jiggy in the hammock. I had wanted to do it in the hammock since I had first been on the website, but I never realised it was a mesh hammock, so when I was on top, it was like a cheese grate rubbin on my knees. Also, while I was putting in the work, I noticed a little light in the bushes; some Wally was watchin whilst smokin a cigarette and we could see the lit end in the darkness. I couldn’t believe it!!! Doesn’t the guy realise the damage he is doing to his lungs?!!?
The last night we went to the disco was the “erotic formal” evening. That was the night I had my kilt on. It was a good job that I was being a true Scotsman that night (no plastic ass, just my real hairy one, still quite pert though ladies), cos the amount of people that came up and had a wee peek underneath was ridiculous. I was pretty drunk so I didn’t mind – quite enjoyed it truth be told, but one dude crossed the line. He never said anything to me, he just came up in front of me, reached down and then lifts my kilt up. If that’s not bad enough, he then crouches down, looks underneath, stands up and then shakes his head!!! What’s that about?!??! First of all, lets just go over the 11th and 12th McCommandments. 11. Don’t be a dude and lift up a kilt. 12. Certainly don’t be a dude and lift up a kilt and then shake your head and not expect to face the consequences. I tell you, he was lucky I was so drunk that it took me a good few seconds to process what had just happened; cos once the eye bone connected to the brain bone, and the brain bone connected to the “You’ve just been insulted by some twat American” part of the hypothalamus, I was ragin’ at this boy. Like Mr T, I pity the fool that messes with my kilt. I was ready to knock this boy out, but luckily for him my girl was there and pulled me away (I think she might have put my hands on her boobs to calm me down; mmm…boobs). When I saw the boy the next day, I gave him some vicious stares and he visibly pooped his pants.
During one of the days, there was a wet t-shirt contest. Needless to say, wet boobs make me happy. My chick wasn’t participating because it was on the prude side of the resort, so all the Wallies were filming; which is a shame cos she would have won in a cake walk. Anyways, I figured I would be able to spend the afternoon sitting back watching some chicks get their cha chas out for me; little did I realise I would be participating myself. There were 3 rounds, and about 10 chicks altogether. First round they had to do get their t-shirts wet and do a wee dance) 2nd round had to fake an orgasm (I didn’t know women did these sort of things – have org4sms…what’s that about??), then the last round it was different for each of the chicks. Shout going out to Wisconsin right about now. It was all good just watchin’, then in the last round lycra paint chick is on stage with some other chick, they bring out 2 chairs and the mc says that they need 2 male volunteers. As I’m very shy and nervous, bring me out my shell ladies, I didn’t volunteer, but then she shouts on me to get on stage and I am coerced up there by the rest of the group. So her, some other chick and some other dude and I are up on the stage, unsure of what is about to take place. The mc then sits the chicks down and says that the dudes have to give the chick a lap dance!?!? Not sure I had signed up for that, but I figured why deprive the watching crowd of my good stuff? So the music comes on - (I believe it was Hot in Herre by Nelly) – and I immediately whip off the shorts I was wearing (only clothes I had on), kicked them off into the crowd, did the helicopter twirl in front of her face (she loved it), wiggled a wee bit in front of her, then ingeniously made her stand up, I sat down and got her to do the dance for me. Possibly the laziest lap dance ever. Unbelievably, she never won the wet t-shirt contest; robbery. I must say it is a very liberating experience getting butt ball nekkid in front of so many clothed people, especially to do it in a skanky way.
p.s For the Creepy crew, when I was doing the helipcopter in front of Slut, she got hypnotised and revealed her real name. I promised I would keep it a secret, but I lied. So, for the record, her real name is…Whore.
One cautionary tale for you Vinnies out there: This blonde chick who one day was in the naked pool and had been fooling around with some Vinny. She then went up to one of the guys in our group and asked him to help her as they Vinny was being a pest, although about 5 mins later, she and the Vinny are off again in the pool grotto. Luckily enough my sun lounger had a perfect view right into the grotto and could see exactly what was happening inside (how did that happen?? What a coincidence…Especially me with my mirrored sunglasses so no one can tell I’m staring)(NOT THAT I’M A WALLY OF COURSE). I could see that she was sucking him off, and trying to fuck each other but the boy was having wood problems (to be fair, the water was never that hot, so you had to be fully ‘angry’ for any water action to occur), but I could see that she was helping him out by giving him a hand (pardon the expression) so she seemed to be well up for it. About 15 mins later they came out and sat at the poolside bar, and again he was trying to kiss and have a smooch with her, but this time she was having none of it, and pushing him away. So as he leaves, and she says that the guy had hurt and attacked her, and that she was going to inform security and management. Needless to say that I have no sympathy for most American males (not you readers of course) but what that chick said and did was well out of order cos he could have got into a lot of trouble because of it.
If ever you gentleman ever find yourself at Hedo, or at any other nudist resort, allow me to pass on some tips for when you are strolling around the pool and are trying to maximise appearances (if you see what I’m saying). First of all, make sure you have perfected a hip-swaying wiggle when you walk (kind of like supermodels and the gays do – ask Spike the EC there for a demonstration, I’ve heard rumours he’s a gay) thus ensuring the side-to-side, elephant trunk motion of the ding a ling. You may want to dip yourself in the pool prior to walking as the water assists in the sound effect as it slaps against the thighs. Another good idea is to get your girl to call over to you (she could pretend to have changed her mind on what she wants to drink for example) and give a slight turn to the opposite side she is callin from before turning sharply to face her in other direction i.e. quarter turn followed by 180. The noise of the slap against the upper thigh (lower thigh if you’re packing heat) should be sufficient for people lying on sun loungers to get up and take shelter from the impending thunder-storm.
Be careful not to exaggerate the gay walk too much however or you may give yourself an unintentional little slap on the ass with every step. If this happens, a red mark can develop on the cheeks, which can be interpreted as a target. In which case you better watch out for Spike again.
The last few days we were there, there was a bodybuilding convention going on, and the nude side got inundated with big ol’ muscular mo fos. Thankfully due to my bulging biceps I didn’t feel out of place at all, shout out to my bicep. The funny thing was, it was quite obvious that there had been a lot of steroids being taken, and I’m sure you can imagine why this was obvious. Also, pretty much every single one of them had a Barbie plastic fantastic Chiquita in tow. The second day when they arrived, a group of them pulled some sun loungers right up next to the pool where we all were chilling and started putting on a sex show. Yes people, our very own porn show. It was pretty cool, but for some reason the rest of the group we were hanging around with (clearly not connosseiurs of the noble art of porn like myself) weren’t impressed with what was going on. Admittedly the chicks didn’t seem overly impressed when the boy was giving her some mouth to south, and one was still reading her Cosmo magazine while another chick was eating her out. The funny bit was though, while the chick was giving her boy a blowie, it looked like she was deep-throating him cos her face was right down against his groin. Then when she moved her head away from him, it was clear that she hardly had to dislocate her jaw to “accommodate him” cos he was packing the smallest little pea shooter in town. It was also quite funny cos they had set up their loungers pretty much on the end line of the in-pool volleyball court. Inexplicably, they were outraged when they got hit by the ball from a stray spike while they were getting busy. I would have been more outraged that the steroids had made my ding a ling shrink like a mouldy prawn.
One game that we played while we were in the pool was a game called ‘suck and blow’. Everybody sits in a circle; male and females alternating. There’s a pack of cards and someone starts by sucking the card to their lips and breathing in. They then have to lean over to the next person in the circle, and pass it on to them. They then have to suck the card to their lips, and pass it on to the next person etc. Whoever drops it, everybody of that gender has to do a lap dance for the person on their left. Once they’ve done the dance, they move a space round the circle, so the next time they do a dance, it’s with some body else in the circle. Much respect to any game where the objective is to give or to receive a lap dance. Shout out to Connecticut.
Being a 12 year old trapped in a 25 yr olds body I found the nude waterslide immense fun (although to be fair so did everyone). I must admit that I tried going down head-first and the little grooves in the plastic where the tubes join, give a tingly sensation as you speed down. Little bit of pain for some pleasure (just like the fetish night).
**Non sex-related paragraph alert!!!;
The only time we went off the resort was to go to Dolphin Cove and to swim with the Dolphins. I can’t begin to tell you how much fun this was. I had never seen one before let alone touch and play with one, so the experience totally blew me away…In a totally different way to the chicks at the nude hot tub after toga night.**
Unquestionably, the chick that made my Hedo experience the most memorable (and I think everybody else’s who was there at the time), was the one and only French chick, imaginatively nicknamed Frenchie. She couldn’t speak a lick of English, but god damn she knew the language of blowies. She was the most sexually charged person I have ever met in the world (and I thought I was a pervert). This chick was an animal, and was the first one to volunteer for any activity at all, and was always wanting to take the activity to a sexual level. In the nude wrestling when she got on top of the guy she started humpin’ away (just jokin’ at first), then she started really grindin’ on him. Another time, (at band camp), she got up on the bar at the nude pool, took a banana that they were using for the cocktails, and reinvented the term ‘dirty banana’. Put on quite a show. Another time, (at band camp), she went round all of the guys sitting in the hot tub and gave them all a blowie. Another time, (at band camp), there was a couple having a shower together (their room was right next to the nude pool and she just happened to be walking past). As soon as she saw this she got well excited and ran over. She then climbs in the window to join them, then starts going down on the wifey. The husband was lovin this so he climbs out the shower, comes outside with the camcorder and starts filming them. They took turns munching each other and were in there quite a while. All the Wallies were happy. Another time, (at band camp), during the Hunk of Hedo contest, the entertainer convener chick would spank the boy if he got one of the questions wrong, but Frenchie got up on the stage, grabbed the paddle off of her and started spanking the poor fools like there’s no tomorrow. The EC only did it softly, but Frenchie gave it proper laldy (although I think the guys were lovin’ it.). It will come as no surprise to learn that Frenchie was one of the chicks to get up on the pussy fountain. Also, there is the unfounded rumour of her giving me the blowie on the night of the toga party with another chick by the nude hot tub.
One time I did get a blowie and can remember it was with another couple. Shout out to Connecticut again. This couple we got friendly with knew I had my own personal sex list and so they were anxious for me to tick off as many as possible and wanted to take part in as many as they could. So, one thing on the list was that I wanted to see a couple going at it in front of me (which to be fair I had a few times in and around the pool) but I wasn’t complaining. So they took out a 2-person raft into the sea and they would go at it on there, and my dame and I would go out and watch. So the wife is sucking away on the hubby and doing a good ‘job’ (she could touch her nose with her tongue). Then the hubby says, “wanna jump up here?”. At first I was like ‘whoa donkey’, but my chick wanted me to get on, so ‘reluctantly’ I quickly jumped on up like an excited puppy…She starts going to work and it was all good. Cos I had been in the sea she complained about me being all salty; “cheeky bint, get back to work”. It was such a surreal situation. The hubby was lying right next to me, and I had to keep my right leg tense, cos if I relaxed it we touched legs, and one thing I know, touching legs definitely makes you gay. (Shout out to Wisconsin’s homosexual community). Also, there were loads of people around, which wasn’t a problem when I closed my eyes and thought of Denise Richards (not that I ever do in that situation of course), but when I opened them I got stage fright knowing they were all watching. Also, the resort hires a guy to take rocks that are washed into the man made beach area, put them into a bucket and take them away. For some reason the guy felt the need to take rocks right where the raft was; I’m sure it wasn’t so he could get a good stare, oh no. Due to circumstances, I wasn’t about to spill my man juice, so my dame climbed on as well (being careful not to tip us all over, and she went at it as well – 2 at a time = all good, but not even she could seal the deal. A classic case of performance anxiety. But still, I loved every second of it, even though I don’t think I’ll ever make it in the porn industry. Shout out to Connecticut again though.
I want to quickly mention the sword fighting arena aka the nude hot tub. Late at night it gets really really busy in there, but we didn’t go into it too often, mainly because of the Vinnies/Wallies, but also because it was pure nasty in there. The stuff that was floating in the middle was so gross (I am sure you could see the STDs bubbling on the top of the water). They clean it out everyday, but when its drained and you see what was in the water you were sitting in freaks you out. And no people, that isn’t sun tan lotion. The worst thing though I think was when guys would openly wash their 4skins in the water, not even subtly or anything. Just proper deep cheese removal; so minging. And you know the guys aren’t getting out of the water to walk the 20 seconds to go to the toilet. Not enough chlorine in the world would get me back in that tub. Yowser!!!
A few surivival tips if you ever go to Hedo:
1. The naked/gay walk has to be perfected.
2. There are vendors that come on the resort selling arts and craft (a lot of which are excellent, especially the carvings and the artwork). To get the best price, go look at their goods in the morning, if you see something you like, tell them that this is your last day and that you only have X dollars left and that you’ll think about it. Then go back to the vendor at lunchtime. With a bit of luck they will be hot and hungry, so you can offer them the X dollars plus lunch and a drink (which is free to you but not to them) and they’ll be happy to take your X dollars. A large glass of Appleton’s seems to do the trick with the older male vendors. (Yes this is genius – you can thank me later).
3. If you are a bit of an exhibitionist and are thinking of doing the humpty hump with your significant other by the pool, (and after a few drinks its almost inevitable), get friends/neighbours/family members to prepare you for your trip before you leave by throwing a ball at you as you get it on, cos there is an extrememly high chance that you will get hit by the volleyball as you are in the process. After enough practice, you should reach a level where a Wilson off the forehead won’t put you off your stroke and then you know you’re ready for Hedo. (If you are feeling particularly advanced, ask the friend/neighbours/family member to throw the ball and then immediately follow that up with throwing an alcoholic drink over you as well, but only when you are fully ready.)
3. Dispel internationally held stereotypes of Americans by learning a little bit about the island before you get there (no reading the freebie magazine on the Air Jamaica flight doesn’t count). Not only is knowledge power, but it also comes in very handy when they have quizzes and the much sought after tokens are being offered for a correct answer. A starter for 10: learn the airports, dimensions of the island, population, and a little bit about Bob Marley (should be enough for a bag of coffee right there).
4. Don’t be upset if none of the chicks slips you a US$10 or a US$20 in your thong when you’re up dancing on the bar to Big Poppa. The resort is all-inclusive and nobody has any money in their pocket – or even has any pockets, cos I know I would have made some good money in tips when I was up dancing. Chix be digging the plastic ass.
5. Don’t even attempt to use the pool table they have in the middle of the prude pool. I don’t know what kind of material it is, but there is no way you can have a proper game of pool. Maybe play on it for the novelty factor, but hardly worth the effort.
6. Mirrored sunglasses, for all your Wallying needs.
7. Show some appreciation for the E.Cs, they have a tough job to do. Extra love for Spike and Monique (I named my right hand “Monique” in her honour).
7. If you are in the yellow blocks, beware cos there are two. Confusing at 5am when you’re guttered, have drunk several glasses of hot tub water by mistake and have someone floating in your teeth, trying to figure out why the damn key card won’t work, only to realise you are on the wrong side of the resort.
8. Keep your head above water in the hot tub (see no. 7 & no. 11)
9. You will be refused entry to the nude pool unless you are reading, have recently read, or can express an informed opinion on Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code.
10. It’s nice to be important, it’s more important to be nice, so a “Please” and “thank you” to the resort staff wouldn’t cost the earth. So too much rudeness and general impoliteness when I was there for my liking.
10. In the lost property bag, only look for something you really want/valuable, cos the bags stinks of left underpants, swim suits and general nastiness.
11. Don’t wash your c0ck in a public pool/hot tub.
12. Stay away from the basketball court. No way is the basket regulation height.
13. Use the tokens you get for participating in games & activities and make jewellery with it. A perfect gift for the friends/neighbours/family members that helped you by throwing the ball in your face.
14. It’s all about the plastic ass.