Herein is located the official Trip Report for the Creepy Hedo Crew’s ™ virgin voyage to Hedo III at the end of April 2004. We are in no way an official group, and we are in no way organized, so don’t ask to join us for our next unofficial voyage, or we will officially have to tell you what to go do with yourself.
The following account is poorly written, spelled, and thought out, due to the severe alcohol withdrawal/suffocating clothing being experienced by the author of said report. As such, it is not recommended that anyone read this account of what happened on our trip. You have been warned. An additional disclaimer is needed here. I know that over the years of reading trip reports, I have noticed that I sometimes was saddened by my lack of mention in someone’s report, especially when it was during the time that I was at the resort with said person. Therefore, I would like to apologize in advance to everyone who has ever been to Hedo III that I fail to mention in this report, you will heretofore be referred to as the Creepy People I Never Met. Those people I do not mention in the report that I did meet this last week I will refer to as the Creepy People Who Got off Lucky.
I’ll start this report of with a personal musing. It blows my mind when I think about the fact that Hedo III exists day in and day out in an unexplained alternate dimension, or subspace, for you Trek fans out there. This means that anyone, anywhere, anytime, could get off the phone to their Mother/Spouse/Girlfriend/Pet where they had been complaining about their Job/Mother/Spouse/Girlfriend/Pet and go to Hedo III to relax and de-stress (not a word) before they go postal. I submit that if all people did go to Hedo III anytime things got rough, we could attain World Peace, a Balanced National Deficit, and cheaper Pay-Per-View Porn at Hotels while traveling on “business” in a matter of minutes. Think about it. While you are sitting here reading this report, someone is living the dream of nakedness and euphoria at rock bottom rates. So I suggest that you stop reading now, before I ruin your perception of Hedo III with my report, and call Denny P to book your trip to paradise RIGHT NOW at:
e-mail:
dennyp-travel@dennyp.com
phone toll-free: 877-DENNYPTravel
local & Canada: 480-419-8869
Pick up the phone, call now…Denny P is standing by. The alternative is potentially very Creepy, as I refer you to the novel written by Mr. Jack Torrance, Father of Danny Torrance, played by Jack Nicholson in the true account of his life without Hedo. The original working title for this book was “A Family Guide to Things to Do When you can’t Get to Jamaica: A Fathers Account.” This obscure book was eventually ghost written by Steven King and was renamed the Shining. The following is an excerpt:
boy.
boy. All
dull boy. All work
a dull boy. All work and
Jack a dull boy. All work and no
make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play
play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make
no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack
and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a
work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull
All Work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make jack a dull boy.
work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull
and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a
no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack
play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make
make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play
Jack a dull boy. All work and no
a dull boy. All work and
dull boy. All work
boy. All
boy.
Don’t be this guy…Nuff said. Another thing to mention is that I have been told that a number of my fellow Creepy Pals will be posting responses to this Trip Report in this forum in the form of their own trip reports, so check back often for more bad advice…especially from Creepy Stalker Guy. Here we go.
For starters, I am the Dom in a Dominance/submissive relationship, and I traveled to H3 with my sub “slut”, who’s full name for those of you who asked nicely is Master’s little cumslut. I know that there were a number of you guys who had bets going to try and guess her “real” name. I thought it was finally time to come clean about her name in this report. For the person that guessed that her name was Kate, I am happy to inform you that you are still absolutely wrong. Send all of the money being wagered directly to me, and I will be happy to still not tell you. I had to explain this relationship approximately 925272305723h87 times to interested folks, and it kept getting funnier every time I did it. It turns out that it was difficult for almost everyone to figure out just by looking at the two of us that my sub is not my wife, and both my wife and her husband not only condoned our travel to H3 together, but they paid for it as a gift to us. Go figure. We were not there cheating on our spouses, and all 4 of the involved adults are very happy with this relationship. Additionally, since some of you asked, slut is not looking to “trade up” to you, as she is quite content slumming with her current Master…Me. Heretoforewithafter known as Creepy Peeper.
This was a somewhat difficult arrangement for me and my sub, as we constantly had to walk the line between maintaining our relationship, and not having 16 guys/gals jump in to try and stop me from being such a dick to slut, even though this is an arrangement she is very happy with. The only time she really came even close to her being in full submission was on fetish night, and that went remarkably well considering. I wanted to thank each and every one of you for being accepting of us and our “freaky” lifestyle choice, and all of you who chose to accept and include us, rather than shun us and burn us as witches on Tuesday’s Witch Burning on the main stage. I still say that the couple we did burn as witches was not in fact witches, but truly the green-faced, long nosed, Romanians, like they said they were. I am sorry, but that unfortunate couple they turned into newts had it coming.
The reason I am referring to everyone that we met as Creepy is because of an early defining moment on our trip. We had just arrived at the resort, settled in for about a day, and then decided on a bet that we thought would be lots of fun for all involved. The bet involved 5 people choosing 5 random people that they each thought would drink the most that day. I was chosen as the judge, so I did not have anyone selected for who I thought would get most drunk, but I was constantly meeting and greeting the contestants to check if they needed a drink and evaluate how much they had been drinking. One of our male minions picked a single guy that he had never met before, as he looked like “a strong candidate”. Since one of the rules was that you were allowed to ask the participants if they needed a drink in order to facilitate their drinking, the guy betting on the single male was asking this guy he didn’t know if he could get him a drink. As he was doing this, it occurred to him that he seemed to be hitting on the single guy, and he dubbed himself Creepy Gay guy. The name stuck, and a whole host of Creepy H3 travelers were born from the ashes of Creepy Gay Guys failed attempts to garner the drinking favor of the Creepy Volleyball Guy. This became a very popular event, and most folks had a good time with it, except two of the folks who had a bad experience with drinking in a previous life, and were unfortunately chosen by some of the contestants as good drinking candidates. A hand shake and an apology and all was right with the world again…a testament to the Hedo spirit. As a result of this, the remainder of the time on our trip, people were kibitzing back and forth over who they thought was going to win across all of the successive nights.
Let me tell you, some of each day’s top drinkers were impressive to say the least. Creepy Stalker Guy, who arrived on the day after the start of the original competition, was very upset, as he felt that someone should have chosen him as our best candidate to drink the most, and as such, he spent the rest of the week proving his point. His wife, Creepy Daddy’s Dentist Boobs/Creepy Human Trick, was also an excellent drinker. She got her name from the fact her father bought her a set of very nice breasts from a dentist in Florida. She then taught herself a boob trick that won her first place on wet t-shirt night. This was a trick worthy of late night talk television. Anyway, this Creepy name thing we did will be lost on all but the couple dozen people who were part of it, so will just list them all now and get it over with. Our group consisted of Creepy Scary Slut, Creepy Peeper, Creepy Gay Guy (#1), Creepy Dolphin Tattoo, Creepy Stalker Guy, Creepy Human Trick /Nike Boobs(#3), Creepy Robot Caesar, Creepy Frenchy (#2), Creepy Ontario Couple (#4), Creepy Leather Thong Biker Guy AKA Creepy Lawyer, Creepy Oil Wrestler (you owe her a diamond Thong Boy), Creepy Indian Terrorist, Creepy Cut Off Shorts, Creepy Real Estate Couple, Creepy Anti-Tan Lady, Creepy English Chap, Creepy Bench Press Lady, Creepy Kilt Lad, Creepy Late Arrivals/sports Tattoo Guy & Wife, Creepy Pretty Face, Creepy Socks (in the pool) Guy, Creepy Not Bi Gal and Creepy Don’t swing Guy, Creepy Technicolor Oakleys, Creepy Castaways (Thanks for the hospitality), Creepy Volleyball Wall Guy, Creepy Gigolo, The Creepy Creaky Knee, Creepy Perfect Real Breasts/Nike Boobs Too, Creepy 2 Naps, Creepy Smithers, Creepy Smaller Boobs/Creepy Pharmacist, Creepy Florida Guy, Creepy Bat Bits, Creepy Goth Guy (Congrats on the marriage!), Creepy Purple Nails, Creepy Single Canadians, Creepy No-Spank Man, Creepy Tom Jones, Creepy C, Creepy Psychiatrist (along with Creepy Peeper and Creepy Gay Guy formed The Big Penis) and last but certainly least, the Creepy Beautiful Folks who arrived at the end of our time, complained about everything, talked to no one but the other plastic people, and who had the steroid shriveled nuts to stand on the edge of the pool, engage in PDAs and then act surprised when the 18 people in the pool playing volleyball hit them with an errant serve. For what it is worth, since I am sure you can’t read, if you don’t want to be hit with the ball, don’t sit on the out line and then complain to your pals that the folks that were there playing hours before your graced us with your presence ought to put a stop to the game because it interfered with your preening. Why don’t you flex those big shoulders of yours and pop your head. I would like to go on record to say that I defended the beautiful people in a post on the boards before I left, but after spending 15 minutes with your judgmental asses, I take it all back. You are exactly the reason that the nice beautiful people feel unwelcome. I don’t care how much porn you do and how many bunnies you bring, in 5 years; the rest of us will still have jobs.
Food: Japanese food was bland and boring. It was perfect for every person there who was not into spicy food, or seasoned food. The English are masters of one spice cooking. This place is the master of cooking with salt/soy sauce. Cabbage, refried rice, unseasoned chicken, beef or seafood, sushi without any fish in it, and .5 oz of sake served in a shot glass. The staff obviously has never drank with a Japanese business man, or they would know that this class of human could out drink your illegitimate sailor father and still have room for another bottle of sake. Serve it in a decent glass folks, and everyone will enjoy your restaurant more, even me. The coconut custard was indeed coconutty, and the company was excellent, if not a bit overdressed.
The Italian was a very reasonable spot to eat at. The menu changed daily, and lets face it, not even your deceased first pet could screw up pasta. For those vegetarians out there, there was always a no meat selection available, and there was always a meal option with flavor and low sauce for those who are so scary, they diet on vacation. “Yes…I’ll have the Marlin steak without sauce…and 3 more Rum Punchs please.” I’ll give you a free hint here, if you really wanted to diet on vacation, you’d cut out that fish. It’s a killer. The dessert may be some of the worst I have ever experienced, so those are calories I would endorse you saving. The antipasto bar was nice and varied, though very simple. The soup was average. The lamb in Jamaica is always a strong choice, so forget about what you know about food back home and try the local faire. All in all, go here often if you care about eating flavored food.
The buffet was reasonable. Most night seemed to have a decent variety and some nights seemed to be great. We dined out on the veranda one night, and that was very nice. One night I saw a whole roast pig, which was impressive. It is hard to present buffet food that does not dry out, so I would argue that was the worst aspect of the buffet food. All in all, if you don’t have a reservation at Pastafari, the buffet will probably not disappoint you, though you will not leave thinking you will have a fabulous meal.
Breakfast Buffet: Was fine. Omelets were good. Other stuff was normal breakfast food. Only things that were well above average were the plantain porridge, and the Essence chicken was perhaps the best food item offered in any restaurant at any time. Why it was hidden in the breakfast choices was beyond me.
I never ate lunch at the buffet.
Scotch Bonnet: Best lunch spot period. Right on the ocean and the food is traditional Jamaican cooking. Only place where spices are prevalent in everything, staff is always happy, and the view can’t be beat. The Jerk chicken/pork/sausage is excellent and done traditionally. The curry goat is great. In fact, nothing is bad, though I am guessing there will be a whole lot of people that think it is all too hot. I like hot, so I loved it. It was my normal stop for lunch each day.
Pool Bar Grill (nude side): Nachos, nachos, nachos and fries. They had burgers too, including a very good chicken burger, and they also had nachos…and fries. If you gain any weight on your trip, it will be because of the drinks and food you have here. There is a bartender here, that I cannot remember the name of who had a gap in her teeth. She was awesome. Made my best bartender spot on my trip list.
Entertainment: Every night there was some sort of entertainment to be watched. It was one of two kinds. Something choreographed by the ECs (Entertainment coordinators) that was professional looking, or something that involved the guests putting on a show. The only exception to this was talent show night, where it was a combination of the two (more about this later). The guests were coaxed into participating with offers of tokens which can be redeemed for NOTHING GOOD at the end of your vacation. This is probably the best spot to put this gripe, so here it goes. H3 used to give participants in things bottles of liquor for involving themselves in sometimes humiliating games. An overzealous couple could easily manage to get a dozen bottles of interesting and varied liquor if they chose to participate in everything and try at the events. The new plan is that the guests join in to events, and then we get poker chips. The chips could be redeemed for alcohol and coffee at the end of the stay. Now mind you, it is not that you can redeem it for all coffee or all alcohol, as the table for trading in the chips each day is shi**y, and barely holds a dozen things you can buy. Once something is bought, they don’t restock for that day. Thanks to the Creepy Stalker, we ended up with 199 chips for our efforts. That could be used to buy overproof rum, tia maria, and coffee. There happened to be a cardboard clock worth about 6 cents on the table, and they threw that in for free. I promptly gave it to the Creepy Kilt to remember me by. The message I sent with that gift is remember me as a cheap bastard with no taste at all. But hey, I am supposed to cherish this sh*t clock because I won it right? Wrong. If you are going to use the token system MAKE IT SO WE CAN Buy SOMETHING WE MIGHT ACTUALLY LIKE AND USE TO REMEMBER YOUR CHEAP RESORT BY. Do not make my last memory of you one of negative hatred. The last thing you do is cash in chips before you leave. As you can tell I was not impressed. Furthermore, I was the victim of blatant sexism by the EC staff. Women participating in stuff actually won full bottles of liquor for their efforts. Men on the other hand still get chips. Moreover, I spent a day of my vacation putting together a band to play in the talent show. We rehearsed, we planed, we choreographed, and in the end, we rocked. I am not saying that cuz I am biased, I am saying that we were one of the best, if not the best act, to go on that night. We got no tokens, no booze, and no thanks from anyone. (NB: Stalker and Dentist Boobs took up a collection for us and we made quite a killing off the kindness of good friends). Meanwhile, the ladies wear a wet t-shirt and the last place girl gets a full bottle. When I approached Ice, the EC coordinator about this, he informed me it was because we had no boobs. He was actually wrong about this. The woman we had do a strip tease to the song “You can leave your hat on” had amazing boobs. She got nothing either. Why did I go through the effort for nothing. I much rather would have sat on my ass and watched the ECs get paid to entertain me. On a positive note, Creepy Tom Jones was amazing. He was our lead singer, and he is currently trying to get a lounge act in Vegas. Frankly, I’d give him one if I could. He made our asses sound good on stage. If anyone is reading this, give him a listen.
Other entertainment ranged from the erotic (eating a Sunday off a strange person) to the simplistic (bingo). I know that not everyone was her fan, but my hat also goes off to Creepy Frenchy. She was a beautiful woman who only spoke French. She participated in everything she could, even with no language skills, and made everything sexually charged. I will always have fond memories of her grabbing the paddle from the floor at the Mr.Hedo competition and setting her sites on the 8 untamed asses on stage. She was so out of control, the EC staff posted a permanent member to follow her during all events. She was a sneaky bastard and could usually be found being pried off some poor guys/girls leg. Like her or not, the memories she generated will be positive for most.
Of course there was the late night entertainment that was not sanctioned by the ECs, though they certainly did nothing to stop you. This kind involved sexual contact between consenting adults. There was plenty of sex and pleasant sex like substitutes available to those who cared for it. I know that the sexually charged events that were done with the prudes present led to many a prude walking off in disgust or stark terror, so that always made for fun memories for me. Watching our women seduce us with pole dancing in the disco/cage was an excellent time, and was a lot more fun than sitting in front of my computer trying to download porn. Being able to touch was an extra bonus. Best nights were Fetish night and the PJ party. Mucho thanks to the Castaways Hosts who laid into the DJs for turning the music up WAY too loud, and congrats to the DJs for figuring out how to play good music on one night. It kept us coming back the other nights in hopes that you would be able to string a pair of good nights together.
The Karaoke bar was fun too. I have to admit that it was more fun without the pianist than with him, as his repertoire was limited; however, he put more life into the crowd when things were slow…so it was a tossup. Having alternating days like they did was a good idea. Creepy Tom Jones and Creepy C both sang waaaaaaaaaaaay too well for my comfort level, but they were such a sweet couple, we only mumbled how much we hated them, rather than yell during their sets. I really enjoyed my Robert Palmer sets. Thanks to the lovely and quite horny Palmer girls [God rest his soul], along with my vocal supports from my fellow nudes for the safety dance. I would also compliment Creepy No-Spank Guy, but after his nasty outburst at the Mr.Hedo event, I would rather tell him to seek professional help. Either that, or go get eaten by a goat. This idiot, during the striptease part of the judging, ties up his wife at the front of the stage, strips to his BVDs and proceeds to pretend to take a belt to her in front of the entire audience. He then repeats the performance back stage. When he gets a question wrong on stage, and it is his turn to take 4 playful whacks for his trouble, he FREAKS out, and tosses the paddle out into the audience (which Frenchy promptly grabs and heads for stage with) and chases the scared shi*less EC backstage where he proceeds to yell at her and tell her he is going to have her arrested for assault. Some points of order here. He knew the spanking was coming, and did nothing to stop it. The first 3 guys ahead of him had all gotten a paddling. The paddling was light and playful, with nowhere near the velocity I would have swung at. When he protested, she whacked him lightly openhanded on the arm 4 times, for which he went ballistic. Frankly, I wish I were using real names in this report, so that everyone you ever come across can avoid you for the rest of your life. Complaining to the Manager for something that was your fault ought to have gotten you a real beating from Frenchy, followed by a buggering by an elephant. That poor lady did not deserve you, nor did the rest of us. And to think we liked you for a day or two. We know about the too late apology, so just know that everyone there sided against you. Before you justify it to yourself, think again.
Of course there was lots of nude water sliding when things got slow at anytime, or we got drunk, or we were bored, or we wanted to, or we didn’t want to, or the Prudes didn’t want us to, etc. There was lots of drinking. Most of which done by Stalker and Nike Boobs. Not that the rest of us were any slouches, just they had to make a point that we were supposed to vote for them. Creaky Knee and Real Boobs were very good at it too, but they hid it well. 2 naps was queen, though I don’t think she knew that we knew. Smithers liked to get rowdy when he was drunk, which was entertaining, but made 2 naps very uneasy.
On our last night there, I arranged a party to say farewell to our new friends, and to wish Spike a Happy Birthday. Teddy Bear was great in setting up the whole thing, and kept checking back with me before and during the event to make sure we were happy. I give him a big thanks for helping us treat our friends the right way. I arranged a pizza party next to the pool tables. We had beer on tap and wine and champagne available for as long as we wanted. The Pizza was only edible, but we didn’t care. Creepy Cutoffs distracted us and we all had a great time closing out our vacation. I also wanted to thank Creepy Real Boobs for her time that night. I had a blast hanging out.
WARNING!!!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!! [insert flailing robot]
Beware the Hedo Curse.
This is a warning to all who go to Hedo. There is a very real curse that claimed 4 of our members last week (see the numbered folks above). The curse struck someone each night the day before they went home. #1 (Gay Guy) slipped on the pool deck and dislocated his shoulder. #2 (Frenchy) probably fractured her hand during oil wrestling. #3 (Nike boobs) Probably fractured her hand falling down some steps. #4 Creepy Ontario Couple probably fractured his tail bone falling on his ass on a slippery walkway. All of them spent WAY too much time seeing doctors on their last night at Hedo. Please take this warning to heart and be very careful. The cause for most of this was probably due to the fact that rainy season started early this year. Everyday, it rained for about a half hour. Usually right about the time I wanted to be in the hot tub. Then it would have 5 minute rains a couple times a day. As a result, the deck could be very slippery. Couple that with the severe tilt of the entire property after drinking, and things got treacherous. Please be very careful when you go this time of year, as I spent way too much time being serious on my vacation as a result of helping friends.
Other ways I spent my summer vacation:
Nude water volleyball
Drinking
Nude regular volleyball (I was ALWAYS the only naked guy playing). Get your head out of your asses nudes, you have to represent to the prudes at all times…no slacking.
Excessive drinking
Eating
Washing down my food
Dancing
Water sliding
Hanging out with lots of great folks
Training my sub
Having her get me drinks
Singing
Imbibing (look it up here www.dictionary.com)
Participating
Soaking in the pool
Napping during work hours
Drinking while everyone else worked
Watching shows
Consuming copious amounts of fermented liquids
Wishing it would never end.
In short I would like to thank everyone who made this trip possible, including my devoted sub and our understanding spouses. I would like to thank the academy for my nomination and I would like to know what remuneration I get for having the longest report of the year. If it is tokens, I wish to know what I can purchase with said tokens. I wrote this long as report as a wakeup call to everyone who has gone to Hedo in the last month and NOT WRITTEN A SINGLE THING. Get with it people. You read DennyP’s site, and when it is time to give something back, you get lazy. Show some honor and post a report, even if only to say you had a great time and would return some day.
Lastly, thank each and every one of my new friends. I will miss you all, and I hope that we cross paths again soon.
Peace and Respect,
Creepy Peeper & Scary slut