Liz - January, 2002

HIII Trip Report - Liz - Rookie to HIII - January 19 to 27.

 By way of introduction, I should say that I am a single female, 32, who travels alone.  This was my first trip to Hedo III although I have been to Hedo II twice in the past (in 96 and 97).  I've always gone during Lifestyles week in January, for what it's worth.  This year I was there the 19^th through the 27^th.  Thanks to this site, the message board and the visitor's schedule, I was lucky enough to hook up with the Hedo Libidos.  Knowing a group of people in advance can only add to your experience, particularly for you other solo travelers out there.  That said.

 THE RESORT

The resort is definitely nicely put together.  The rooms are fairly large, although the layout in some of them is a bit weird.  You still have your normal Hedo touches - air conditioners that no human being can figure out how to work, hand soap in the shower and body soap by the sink, and so forth.  In the late afternoons you could even get the hot/cold/freezing/scalding experience we all know and love.

 My room was in the Quad, 100 building (orange).  It didn't much matter as the entire resort is pretty close together, but in the future I would stay in building 600.  If I did opt for the Quad again, I would ask for Building 400 or 300.  Building 100 is right on the front entrance to the resort, which occasionally made me feel a little unsafe at night.  I liked the layout of the Quad a lot even though I was never there during the day.  I did spend a few evenings in the hot tub there, though it was usually too hot to really hang out in.

 A couple of things about the Quad - if you don't want people to see you showering, don't get a room here.  Yeah, there's a curtain, but if you pull it down it's too dark in there to shower.  Luckily most people I know could care less about exhibitionism, but if you're shy, stay elsewhere.

 Also, sound carries and resonates throughout the Quad, so it's rarely quiet.  I of course learned this after my resounding victory in the fake orgasm contest Sunday night - at lunch the next day Roseanne mentioned that they heard me enjoying myself in the Quad the night beforehey, at least my friends always knew how to find me.  And really, after you get on stage on all fours screaming f*** me harder into a microphone, there's not much that can embarrass you.

 The nude side is small, true, but it wasn't any harder to find a chair there than it is at II.  Again, it's just a different layout.  I never made it to the nude beach other than to walk through.  It's small and pretty isolated.  The disco and piano bar are very cool.  The water slide looks awesome although I never managed to make a run.  In general I would say that there are more nooks and crannies at III than there are at II.  In a way, it makes the atmosphere more romantic than wild at times, as there are more opportunities and locations in which you can be alone. 

 DINING

 I've never been one to have lots of issues with the food at Hedo.  Give me some coffee in the morning and some alcohol the rest of the day and I'll manage to find something to eat.  I thought the food at Hedo III was fine.  The omelets are excellent if you're a big breakfast eater; if not, toast and fruit is always a good start.  Lunch is easy - a burger or chicken sandwich at the nude grill or at the Scotch Bonnet most days.  When in doubt at the buffet, stick to the seafood.  If they have the grilled snapper in banana and dark rum sauce, eat that.

 I thought Munihana was quite good, especially the grilled snapper/shrimp teriyaki.  The sushi was okay.  I ate there twice during the week.  I also ate at Pastafari's once.  It would have been twice, but I stood up my friends the first night we had reservations.  No loss, if you ask me.  I thought it was pretty awful, and the service was the worst of any place on the resort.  But I am a bit particular about Italian food.  I skip the tacos and Texas chili on the buffet too.  It's all about picking and choosing what you'll be happy eating.  It's not gourmet cuisine; if you're that picky, go somewhere else or bring your own food.

 THE CROWD

 Perhaps I shouldn't have been surprised that the resort wasn't full, but I was.  A January Lifestyles week at 50% occupancy?  Who'd of thunk it?

 In a way, it was nice to have a smaller crowd.  Within a day or two, I knew everyone at the nude pool.  (I didn't know the people on the prude side, but honestly, I never saw them except at dinner anyway.)  It was a lot easier to collect Hedo bucks and win prizes on the theme nights, and it was fun playing games with all of your friends.  We had a fabulous time by the pool, in the dining hall and at the piano bar and disco.

 But after a while one does tire of feeling like the entertainment.  Toward the end of the week I suggested, only half-jokingly, that we pass out suggestion cards for the audience to tell us what games they'd like to see that day.  I even skipped the wet t-shirt contest this year because I was tired of feeling on display all the time.  Look, if you go to Hedo, be silly, let loose and play along.  If you don't want to play, at least cheer enthusiastically from the sidelines.  If you don't want to do that, go sit a little farther away and do your own thing.  But sitting or standing around and staring like the participants are a circus act is just creepy.

There were a lot of non-participants in the disco for theme nights, and even toga night was maybe only at about 50%.  The staff didn't enforce dress codes at all except on pajama night at the disco.  No big deal, but here's where being with a large group of friends helped.  We'd just get out there and dance and ignore the onlookers.  Also, the non-participants (and not just or even especially the single males) tended to be rude, to say the least.  A couple of women in our group were practically assaulted in the disco one night.  And after being followed by a guy who wouldn't take no for an answer from the main bar, I stopped walking anywhere alone at night, even to the restroom.

Single guys:  I actually spent most of the week with one person, which is unusual for me.  In general, I didn't have much patience this year for the prude-side new guys who just couldn't believe that there were nekkid people around.  The single guys on the nude side (the few of them that there were) were great, in my opinion.  Very respectful and very cool.  In fact, almost too much so - I still feel for the poor guy who could hardly bring himself to participate in the body shot game while his partner's husband judged.  (Luckily, my partner was more willing, but it's pretty difficult to get all that rum cream removed!)  In general, there were very few single guys, and I may have been the only single woman for at least a few days.

 At the end of the week, there was a male calendar shoot and fashion show that brought in some women, including a bachelorette party.  I left the next morning so I don't know how long they stayed or if they ventured to the nude side.  The ratio of couples to singles was even higher than what I consider normal.

 THE STAFF

 Mostly the staff was great.  I thought the EC's were fabulous and certainly did their best to get folks involved (although even they got frustrated with the crowd occasionally).

 The wait staff, overall (and excepting Pastafari's) was the best group I've ever seen, both in terms of service and friendliness.  The chefs at Munihana were all good, and I didn't hear any fake Japanese accents.

The bartenders were a bit hit and miss.  Mostly by the second day at least one of them at each bar would have warmed up to you.  The bartenders at the disco were probably the best and certainly poured the strongest drinks (not always a good thing by that time of night!)  The only staff that never warmed up to most people (apparently they did to a few) were the bartenders at the nude pool during the day.  As much as I tried to talk to them, thank them, learn their names and be respectful, I never got so much as a smile from either of them.  Maybe it was just me, but I heard a lot of other people make the same complaint.

 As usual, the rooms and public areas were kept very clean by my standards.  The security guards could be a bit slow to respond at night, which I think added to the sense of caution that many women felt they needed to carry with them (not that doing so is ever a bad idea, but you'd like to think it unnecessary).  I never saw any sex police.  However, the clothing police could occasionally be a little too zealous in refusing to listen to any reason for someone to be partially clothed on the nude side.  But then on one day there were one or two women there who were fully dressed.  Like everything at Hedo, it all depends on the time you happen to be there.

Overall, I had a great time.  It was really a fantastic trip and I couldn't have asked for more.  Will I go back to HIII?  Probably, particularly if the Libidos make a return appearance next year.  But I don't know that I'd want to go alone again, and I certainly wouldn't replace any planned HII trips with trips to HIII.  Looks like I may have to start making two Jamaica trips a year.

 TEN TIPS FOR TRAVELERS

 1. If Air Jamaica offers you an upgrade to first class for any price that sounds halfway reasonable, take it. Not for the bigger seat or the chance at better food, but because your luggage will come off first at Sangster and you can cruise right through immigration.  There was a slight line at customs, but a little flirtation with one of the agents got me pulled out of line and sent right through. 

2. The one thing that I brought that I absolutely didn't need:  a raft.  If everyone who had brought a raft had blown it up, we could have easily filled the nude pool.  If you have one, great, if not, I wouldn't bother. 

3. The one thing I wish I had brought:  a large stack of cheap plastic (or even foil) ashtrays.  They're practically impossible to come by, so if you smoke, I'd bring enough to take one to the pool every day and leave it.  If you don't, just hope that Bob from NY is there - he always has an ashtray under his hat. 

4. Get on Jamaica time as quickly as possible.  Expecting things to happen as quickly as they do at home, particularly if you're from a large city and/or not from the south, will only lead to frustration. 

5. Play, dress up, participate.  If you don't want to do so, may I suggest Sandals or Club Med? 

6. Take the time to get to know the staff.  Putting aside the divergent views on tipping, a little kindness goes a long way.  Besides, they're great to just sit and talk with. 

7. Don't touch the air conditioner.  Really.  Whatever you're trying to do to it, you'll only make it worse. 

8. Go to the nude pool and mark your chair before hitting breakfast.  You won't regret it.  If you have a recognizable bag or a shirt with your name on it, put that on your chair so your friends will know where you're sitting. 

9. Water.  Lots of water.  Particularly in the morning, preferably before you start on the alcohol again.  Oh, and if you drink vodka and cranberry, don't be surprised to wake up to a bright red tongue the next morning.  It's just the food coloring in the cranberry juice. 

10. Know your limits, revisit your limits and push your limits.  Respect, a sense of fun and an open mind are all you really need for a great vacation at Hedo.

 QUESTIONS I STILL CAN'T ANSWER:

 How exactly do you cheat in a fake orgasm contest?

 Why did it always take me two hours to get ready for dinner?

 How is it possible to win a wet t-shirt contest while wearing a dry t-shirt with a bathing suit top on underneath?

 Was it a time warp on the nude pier or the ganja that made me miss dinner by three hours on Monday night?

 Does hey, baby, wanna f**k work as a pickup line anywhere in the world?

 Who won the wrestling match, Barb or the alligator?

 Is it ever okay to, um, fondle yourself to completion in the hot tub?  Are there different rules for men and women on this one?

 Do they offer classes in how to sit in a toga without flashing the entire resort (including the photographer)?

 Who was that masked man?

 SPECIAL THANKS TO.

 TJ and Jane, Lowell and Summer and all the Hedo Libidos for making this my best Hedo trip yet!

 John and Roseanne, without whom I wouldn't have made it from the airport onto the bus.

 Bruce and Shiela for demonstrating that a lot of naughty can lurk behind innocent facades.

 Bill and Sue, Bill and Laurie and Mike and Barb for keeping the party goingevery night.

 Jay and Teri for being too much fun - and especially for letting me borrow Jay Saturday night.

 Jim and Susie for ensuring that the week started off with a bang.

 Bill and Norine and Ken and Deb for guaranteeing that the bus ride, there and back, was never boring.

 Kat for adopting me into the Lifestyles group.

Pat and Hilma for being the coolest women I've ever met.

 Jeff, Andrew and Ingrid for having enough energy to do so many activities, enabling me to maintain a prone position all day and still feel like I had seen it all. 

Cathy and Lee for attempting to help me solve the pre-dinner preparation mystery.

 Lowell and Deanna for not minding that I introduced myself by thinking that I recognized Lowell's penis.

 Brent and Alyson for setting me up with the Georgia peach (yeah, thanks a lot!)

 And very special thanks to Peoria Boy - but I can't remember what for.

 LIZ LIZ LIZ

(LizfromTexas -- eliz991@yahoo.com)