Kathryn (32) and John (32) – Houston, Texas
February 13-18, 2002
On The Way
Dave, our driver of the nicely A/C’d bus that was bouncing its way toward Hedo III past chickens, goats and some of the bluest water and greenest vegetation I’ve ever seen, wasn’t going to stop for beer on the way there – probably because one of us (O.K., it was me) shouted, "We don’t have to stop for beer on the way, do we?" right after he’d introduced himself. No one else seemed to mind – after all, why stop to have Red Stripe at a dive bar when you could have Red Stripe, a Purple Rain, a Hummingbird OR a Dirty Banana – in the nude? Actually, most of our bus was going to Breezes. I didn’t envy them. Oh, to everyone at home, we were at Breezes for the next 5 days; God forbid we'd be going to Hedo; it was bad enough for my parents when I didn’t join a sorority. And rocking their world now isn’t the thrill it was at 15.
The ride is bumpy, so if you’re prone to carsickness, don’t read (my mistake). Dave the Driver cracked jokes. He played tour guide. Did you know that Jamaica’s second major industry (after tourism) is aluminum? Its population is 2.6 million, and the island is 52 miles wide. Jamaican vocab to know: Irie, Yeah Mon, and No Problem. They did use these, just as often as I abuse "like" and "whatever".
Before You Go
The schedule of daytime events you might see on this site, or even the one they hand you at the resort, is bogus – nothing’s followed. Activities like yoga or body painting seem to pop up unannounced, and you’ll just have to be in the right place at the right time. But, true to the relaxing nature of the resort, you won’t care.
There’s a ton of information on this site – we found it way more helpful than even the SuperClubs’own. You should read all the trip reports you can; we got a lot out of Eric and Carol’s (02-01) – very detailed. Here I’ve tried to include the misconceptions we had by reading trip reports, plus information we didn’t read but wanted to know.
When to Go and What To Bring
When we went to Hedo II it was over 4th of July weekend – WAY too hot, stifling, even for a Houston native who’s used to 95 F and 100 percent humidity. In February, the nights are cool enough for jeans and a long-sleeved shirt – which makes going down the slide through the disco in the nude an impossibility unless you’re tanked or from Minnesota, but the days are wonderfully breezy, perfect weather.
I brought 5 shorts outfits for 5 days, plus the jeans and extra tank worn on the plane. I was so glad to have brought the jeans for nights. The restaurants’ A/C must be set on 65 F to the outside’s 72 F. The only other places that are A/C’d are your room and the disco, and jeans work everywhere at night, outside included, unless you’re in the disco and dancing. Women, feel free to bring your wedding ring; you can wear it everywhere but scuba diving (because air could expand between the setting and the diamonds, loosening the stones). There’s a safe in the room for it when you’re 40+ feet under.
The spa at Hedo offers massages, but if you want one you'd better bring your Greenbacks, because they don't accept American Express. Or Visa. Or charges to your room. Just cash.
Diving
It's pretty good. The water's not as clear as Cozumel or Belize: about 30 feet visibility once you're down there. Among other fish, we saw one of each: eel, sea snake, jellyfish, man of war, sea turtle. Unless you have a dive computer, no need to bring anything but masks and dive suits. We did everything carry-on, which made the trip a lot easier. We "rented" weights, BCs and fins for free - the dives are free at the resort, and so is any equipment you may need. The dive boats have some shade, and the sites are just minutes away - so no 2-tank dives. There are a number of wreck and wall sites in addition to the reefs. The hard-to-get-up-for 9am deep dive goes out with just certified divers and is less crowded; the 11am dive is to 40 feet and includes the resort learners. We went on one of each. Sign up for dives the morning of the day before. Night dives also exist; we never made one.
Tanning
Even with a big floppy hat, sunglasses, and the shady umbrellas and palm trees of the nude side, the sun will find you. This is potent stuff – we saw many hurtin’ lobsters, so use the sunscreen, especially the first day. It’ll be a challenge, but try to keep your whiteness anyway. Cancer and wrinkles, bad.
HII vs HIII
III rocks harder!! Food, accommodations and people, all better at III. (People explanation: From what we've seen, II seems to have cliques – people who’ve gone there for umpteen years and keep to themselves - good luck getting to know them ... III was a younger & more open crowd - just as wild.) We saw as much going on at the nude side of III as we ever saw at II. Also at III, the quad pool and nude pool are nude areas now; even in the main area Europeans are sunbathing topless. At II everything was so separated, and the majority of younger people were not on the nude side.
Staff
Paul at Terminal B of the Miami airport is better than any of the bartenders at Hedo. Now Paul’s a guy who loves his job, and it shows. He’s making jokes, checking on us … all the ones at Hedo were like, "yeah, okay, whatever" - especially the two women bartenders at the nude side during the day. I mean, you always get your drink there, but where’s the love? If it weren't for the cook's shouting "over your head!" we'd have been purposefully ignored for hours. Half the staff embodies what you always hear about the lovely Jamaican people – but the other half are hating that they have to wait on you, and it shows. A slammed glass, impatient looks and whisking away your plate when it’s obvious you aren’t done, dropped silverware, dulled eyes when you ask them for anything, a wait for their attention beforehand while they talk to each other … you do get what you need regardless - some give with a smile, others with a bitter chip.
Swim-Up Rooms
The "swim-up" rooms are actually "very close to pool on ground floor"
rooms (see pic.). It’s still a great location. All swim-up rooms
are in the quad area, by the way, and when we were there the quad was by and
large dead during the day and deadly quiet at night. There were people in the
hot tub (trying to avoid the scum that accumulates in the nude hot tub after 1
am), but just close your bathroom door and you can’t hear them at all.
We never could find the bathroom fan, which would’ve blocked noise even more
(wasn’t needed). Helps if your room is not right next to the hot
tub. The quad pool is not connected to either the nude or main pools.
There was a little CD/tape jam box in our room, and if we’d lugged 8 C batteries with us, we could’ve unplugged it and taken it outside. Supposedly the bartenders at the quad and the nude pool and the DJ at the disco all accept requests in the form of your CDs from home; we never tried it.
Restaurants
Pastafari - The food here is better that at Hedo II’s Pastafari. If you’re wanting to sit with friends, however, and you’ve made separate reservations, you may get "the look" from the hostess. I preferred Munahana because Pastafari had no simple, healthy dishes like just pasta with olive oil and tomatoes. Everything seemed to have a cheese or cream sauce, and all the portions were huge.
Munahana - The Japanese restaurant is a fun environment – great for meeting the people you’re sitting with. We had talented chefs at the table, and really enjoyed the food, which included miso soup with a mussel, sushi and tempura as well as fried rice and your choice among beef, chicken, shrimp and fish.
Main Dining Area – Breakfast is great here. They officially end breakfast at 10:30 am, but they actually take the food away at 11:00 am. Don’t miss the rum French toast. We heard the dinner food in the main area is just so-so (plus you may have to put up with mediocre "entertainment"); the desserts are good, though. We made reservations every night, then skipped the restaurants’ dessert and grabbed it in the main area. The entertainment during meals is sometimes more annoying than anything else. The mics are loud and the acoustics are bad, so you can’t talk to your friends but loudly and you can’t hear anything the people on stage are saying, anyway.
Scotch
Bonnet - This is the place for lunch or afternoon snacks. This
place is not on a high cliff or whatever – the picture we got from reading
other trip reports. It’s just two open levels of patio with tables and
chairs – and sits on the ground, pretty much – on rocks a mere 15 feet away
from the water (see pic.). Wonderful jerk chicken here, served with rice
or with fries; great jerk burgers. Avoid the mostly-fat-not-meat pork.
Also good, though: their red beans and rice ("peas and rice").
Nud-I-Burgers - Isn’t that the greatest name? Despite the fact that the name is indeed awesome, we never ate here. But, our favorite drinks included Absolut and 7 (ask for Absolut or they’ll give you the cheesy Vodka; as you well know it’s the same price), the Purple Rain, the Hummingbird, and the Dirty Banana, in that order.
Piano Bar
Compared to the ambiance of the nude pool and hot tub, the piano bar can be downright hostile. If you venture in at the wrong time, all the sitting people are frustrated, hogging songbooks, waiting their turn to sing (because they’ve been there forever, otherwise they wouldn’t have seats) and others (note: college guys) are drunk and out of control. And the whole place is packed, totally S.R.O. – forget about drinks from the bartender. If you go when it’s more laid-back in there, you can grab seats and get drinks and do some sing-along yourself, and it’s all good.
Cruise Ship Mania
Saturday without warning, the quad area got populated; a shipful of 150 people on some nudists’ cruise on Carnival descended like overweight aged locusts on the resort. They were there and gone in 5 hours – 12 noon to 5 pm. You could tell the interlopers by the blue of their towels, and we knew the resort wasn’t big enough for the all of us. Made us thankful we seemed way less than capacity the rest of the time. Everyone staying became somewhat territorial that day – yeah, it brought us together.
Involvement
If you enter any of the "entertainment" in the main dining area, know that there will be video cameras and cameras being used in the crowd, which means you may show up on the Internet someday, or even in a marketed sex video …which is why I didn’t enter the wet T-shirt contest, even though it looked like fun. Hey – sometimes, anonymity is a good thing.
But I did enter a women’s dance contest in the Disco – and they wanted all of the women to go up on the bar and dance – there’s at least one pole up there, and the girl next to it sure knew how to use it – she took everything off – and everyone else at least had their top off – hey, when did this turn into a nude contest? It’s one thing in the nude pool, where everyone else is nude, but … in front of a room of clothed people all looking at you … and this was a dance contest! So I never took anything off. I made the finals! I had to show something … the pressure was growing … I dropped my jeans and shook my very-conservative-underwear -clad booty. Whew!
Ganja
If you have the urge to herbal, you can ask any bartender for marijuana. Ask them for rolling paper too, and then all you have to do is buy a lighter at the gift shop. The ganja is very smooth (no coughing for non-cigarette smokers), and we heard it could be strong – but the buzz of a joint shared among four people last approximately 20 minutes, no more.
Sexual Stuff
The Looks Thing - Many trip reports tend to say something along the lines of, "Nobody cares if your breasts are saggy, fake or real, or if you’re 90 or 300 pounds, 20 or 60 years." In a "friend" kind of way, no; but at Hedo, sometimes that friend thing leads to the sex thing … and if you’re the 20-year-old 90-pounder, until you get used to seeing so many people naked you may be thinking, "did I actually pay to see some of these people naked?!" Of course you won’t be making comments to their faces – duh. It’s just that as far as the messing-around-among-couples-in-the-hot-tub thing is concerned, you may be sticking to your own kind. Friendship: O.K.; Sex: Appearance counts; not a new idea.
Games – If you choose to participate in the games, you’ve got potluck as partner. That said, having had to view some guy’s hairy butt just 5 or so inches from my face during a game of Twister was way outweighed by the fun of the game! Pick carefully … other games are definitely hands-on.
Boobs - I’ve never seen more fake ones in my life. I mean, being from Houston, one of the plastic surgery capitals of the world, I’m sure I have; I just didn’t recognize them clothed. They’re not really very good-looking by themselves. Makes a girl double-think any inkling of an idea she might have had to let someone rip open her chest, shove man-made objects inside, and leave scars and weird sticking-out shapes where it should’ve been prettier. Apologies for any offense here; sudden epiphany on this trip of my non-attractedness to the fake jobs. I used to hate my slightly droopy natural ones, but not anymore.
How It Works - We met and had the good fortune to get to know a couple from Canada, about 10 years older than we are, who’d been "swinging" for around seven years. A perfect example of the way "the lifestyle" is supposed to work, their relationship is platinum-solid and they only have hearts for (if not eyes for) each other. This couple talked to us at length, but we never felt viewed as objects and they never pressured us in any way to join their sex-capades. No one is going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do, but beware of Persistent and Creepy … Hopefully you won’t run into someone who embodies both. Persistant was one non-English speaking girl who literally chased me around the hot tub as I kept moving to avoid her feet and her hands, and Creepy was the unattractive couple who hung out and stared – presumably hoping to see some action? – while we talked with friends in the hot tub. When we left they got up and followed us halfway back to our room … Also creepy, before we were followed we were hearing this story in the hot tub from our friends: they were making out (she was going down on him) in the gazebo (off the path from the nude pool to the Scotch Bonnet), when a guy walked up and asked if he could be next – she was understandably offended and angered, but the sad truth is this guy probably gets a "yes" from every third couple, which is why he asks! O.K., one more Creepy: one grizzled guy couldn’t control his fascination for inspecting and discussing a certain part of female anatomy … that part, that’s right. If you were a female sitting next to him, he’d be staring and making weird comments about yours. Nice, eh? And his wife actually swam up to me in the nude hot tub and told me I was her husband’s ultimate fantasy in a woman, this from a woman about my age who can’t even satisfy this guy by being the only one who’d dare to be absolutely nude under a why’d-you-even-put-it-on mesh dress at dinner; well how do you reply to that?! "Sucks to be you, then?" "Fire bad, tree pretty?" I stammered something about "thank Mom …" Boy, years and years of being average in Houston and here suddenly I’m a sex goddess.
There are some crazy things that go on in the nude pool and hot tub, at all hours of the day/night, but you don’t even have to watch if you don’t want to. One night this cute girl from Dallas transformed the "just talking" ambiance of the hot tub within 2 minutes, via the distribution of lube into the writing hand of each female in the tub. We took ours to the pier for a private session … but that lube was really good; it was called Liquid Platinum. The pier off the nude beach is a great after-dinner area for messing around. We were all alone out there with the stars above and the crashing waves about 10:30 every night.
Friends
At Hedo you’re hanging out (quite literally) with a small group who happens to be there at the same time you are, in a cruise-ship-like atmosphere in that no one leaves; the same people are always around you.
You don’t have to list yourself on this site in order to meet people. The time we went to Hedo II we were listed, and met only a few people. We never listed for HIII, just for anonymity and freedom of choice for potential friends once we arrived, and met so many more people this year. So ... this is the point in the trip report where we send a shout out to our homies that we met. Diving buds from Memphis … hip Cuban couple from Miami … fun Swiss/French couple who’d breezed over from the Caymans … awesome couple from Brooklyn (we loved your accents)… cool couple from NYC who unfortunately had to leave earlier than we did … our wonderful party buds from Connecticut (we already shared the same "stupid Americans on drugs" stories!) … others we will meet again in our next few trips this year … to Toronto and NYC – we must have picked party cities because their denizens were at Hedo in numbers! Looking forward to seeing y’all again.
PHB ("Post-Hedo Blues")
If you dislike your real life, you’ll be coming down with this in a big way. Get thee back to Jamaica post-haste. Or move to a warmer climate. Otherwise, expect the symptoms (mild depression, urge to take clothes off and order Purple Rain) to last oh, 2-3 days.
The Trip Home
This was not so bad, in part due to awesome Paul in the crowded Terminal B bar in Miami, and also to Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville, which is located in the airport at MoBay – good food, fun atmosphere and reasonable prices for one last jerk burger + Red Stripe; reason enough to be thankful for that 2-hour time they make you spend there before your plane leaves. We saw some short, small, big-eyed people there. They were called "children."
And in Houston there was our car – nestled among 20 others, including no less than 10 beemers, a Porche and 2 jags. Back to the rat race – or, alternatively, the Land of Maxed Credit. And all the while we’d been smelling the air of our beloved city: "Was it always like this?!" "We go running in this!" "Are we sure we want to raise kids here?" "We’ll get used to it by tonight." And, sadly, we did.
Kathryn, John