I
felt Hedo III was severely lacking in catering to the guests needs. There were
very few instances where we felt the staff was willing to go the extra mile to
make sure we were satisfied. However, exceptions to this were our housemaid,
and what appeared to be the manager of the main bar, and most of the main
dining room staff. Which was good since there really wasn’t much to do
except eat.
My
chief complaint was the “disco.” Maybe
a better name for it would be the “ghet-to” or the “let’s-go!”, as
in “lets go somewhere else.”
Since
we were forewarned that the DJ tended to cater to more “local” types of
music, i.e. reggae and rap, we came prepared with “American style” club
music. Now don’t get me wrong,
when it comes to rap, I am a big fan, although mostly of the original rap from
the late 80’s early 90’s. But,
this was “bend over and let me grind my penis into your ass all night long
on the dance floor music” We
just would have really liked music with a lot more energy so that we weren’t
being put to sleep by 1:30. Except
for Monday night when the disco had cleared out by 12:30 they seemed
completely unwilling to play our music. Just
in case you might think that our music sucked, anyone we asked if they liked
it said yes, a lot better than what the DJ was usually playing.
Not to mention, we had brought down over 100 glow sticks to make it
more exciting and fun. Anyone who
got to use some seemed to have been enjoying themselves a lot. Gangsta rap and raving just don’t mix.
Although
we know “there is nothing we can do about the weather,” They sure as hell
could have done more to compensate the guests for what turned out to be a
gray, wet, semi-lifeless experience. BE
WARNED: on any day it rains, if
you think the sun has made one spot on the ground for one second, you will get
absolutely nothing, even if it was so early in the morning that you slept
through it. Out of 5 days of more
or less constant rain, we received one day of “price value” to be used
within 12 months at a Superclubs in Jamaica only.
Here’s a suggestion, put in some damn tanning beds so you don’t go
home whiter than you left! On a
related note, the gym is falling apart from what exists in that tiny little
shoebox.
The
big entertainment for the week, was a 2-team troupe of muscle-bound male
strippers. As you can imagine, I
was very excited by this, NOT. I’ll
tell you something else, it’s a good thing that I’m married because if I
was one of the sorry-ass “Vinnies” I would have packed my bags and took
the next flight out since they pretty much overtook the resort
testosterone-wise. Not that I’m
bitter. Although, I guess they
made up for it by photographing and videotaping my wife wherever she went.
They’ll have minutes and minutes of fun once they get home.
Who let the dogs out? And where are their masters?
Probably at Hedo II.
The
Scotch Bonnet. What can I say?
Pack a lunch? Bring a book? Just
don’t expect any service. I
like the menus. Oh, wait, there are no menus! So, be sure to memorize the
chalkboard before you sit down and bring your own water because they don’t
seem to want to fill the glasses.
So
by now you must be saying, “Wasn’t there ANYTHING good?”
Well, OF COURSE there was! My
beautiful wife, who was constantly hit on by not ONLY every guest both male
and female at the resort, but by the staff too! Yes, I know, I’m a very
lucky man, now get your hands off my wife’s ass… and get back to work!
I’m STILL waiting for my drink.
Here’s
the other thing, you may be saying to yourself, “Wow, this guy must be a
real prude/inhibited/uninvolved/jealous asshole.
And you would be right, about the jealous part.
However, just to show you that, in fact, I am not a
prude, nor inhibited or uninvolved, the very first day we arrived I was
on the stage wearing practically nothing in front of the whole resort’s
guests modeling their costumes or should I say “crotch-stumes” as part of
their fashion show. We
participated in almost every contest or game we ran across especially ones
that were the most risqué’ (that’s French for naked.)
And
the very next day our only sunny day, we went straight to the nude side, never
expecting to look back. And even
though I stand here dictating this review to my wife stark naked, I have never
done so in public until that time. My
wife takes great dictation… if you know what I mean. By the way, I am actually an asshole, sometimes.
For
a resort that, for all intents and purposes, touts itself as an “all night
debauchery-fest” all the bars seemed to close quite early.
It made me homesick for Boston since clubs here in Boston close at 2am.
Mosquitoes.
Luckily, we were not eaten alive by what appeared to be the mosquito
swarm of the century blocking us from the door of our room.
Here’s a tip: If you don’t
bring Raid, try Aveeda Firmata Hair Styling Spray on the bastards.
They’re not much for grooming and tend to die instead.
I think that they flocked to the relatively dry exterior and sometimes
interior of our building because of the torrential rains… this is just a
guess. Another suggestion:
install some damn industrial strength bug zappers outside.
Whoever
said, “Jamaica’s cheap!” must have died ignorant and broke.
When’s the last time you paid six dollars for a diet coke and some
Pringles??? Not around here, I’ll
tell you that! As a matter of
fact, I checked the price when we came back and they were on sale for 99
cents. Maybe it’s me.
Maybe I should have HAGGLED on the price of my Pringles.
Maybe I’m just not savvy enough a Jamaican convenience-mart consumer
to warrant a complaint. But I
figured it out, if I was a Jamaican convenience-mart consumer, I would have
had to pay $270 JM for my carbonated beverage and pseudo-pizza flavored
processed potato crisps. Isn’t
that what the average Jamaican social worker makes in a year there?
I dunno. I guess I’m the
one who’s greedy.
Notes
on other things you might buy in Jamaica, and whether or not it’s worth it:
Blue
Mountain Coffee – NOT WORTH IT!! They
were selling this for like $20 US a pound.
Give me a break! We got
some, since I love coffee, and this was supposed to be so good.
BLECH! Garbage.
Starbucks has nothing to worry about.
No wonder you don’t see it sold in their stores.
Shirts,
dresses, etc.. prices are pretty fair, and a lot of styles are actually pretty
nice, tho we live in the Arctic, so you don’t see a lot of flattering styles
anyway.
Booze,
Tobacco… Stock up. Nuff said. Tho
I didn’t risk getting sniffed at customs with some Cubanas.
Oh, how ridiculous our government is.
Don’t get me started.
Jerk
Sauce… WHERE??? I should’ve
stole a bottle from Couples since it was on all the tables… “Busha Brown’s”
sauces are the best! I was
so disappointed that at the duty free stores NONE of the 3 or 4 stores that
sold spices/sauces had any Jerk sauce. But
I did get some Hot Pukka sauce and Spicy Love Apple sauce.
Nice, but not Jerky enough for me.
If you can cop a bottle of this brand, I will Pay you for it.
I’m not kidding. Tho, maybe I should just look on the internet.
I
liked the TV. Not that I watch a
lot of TV. What I mean is, for you techno-nerds, is that it has both an
integrated VHS VCR and line inputs. If
you don’t know what I mean by this you’re probably just going to keep it
on channel 15 all day anyway. But
for us we were able to watch videos on the TV that we had taken during the
previous week with our camcorder.
Our
mirror above the bed worked wonderfully except for some mild distortion, but I
guess I could live with a fat head as long as my stomach and legs were as
skinny as they looked.
Also,
we luckily got a good portable CD player in our room which I did take to the
whirlpool on one occasion. Be
sure to bring at least eight (8) “C” cell batteries.
Don’t be like us and bring only 6 because the other two will cost you
as much as a Diet Coke and Pringles.
Don’t
think that you’re going to be able to see what’s going on around the
resort and in the disco on the TV. I
mean, you might, but don’t count on it.
Kudos
to the couple in the room next to us on the day we left – it sounded like
you were having a good time or else you should see a doctor about that… it
sounded kind of painful.
Thanks
go to John and Susan from Newport Beach California with whom we shared a cab
ride to Hedo III. We appreciate you picking up what I believe is most of the
tab. Wish we could have seen more
of you on the nude beach.
Here’s
a suggestion: supply the guests
with damn umbrellas and stop pretending it never rains. This isn’t southern California.
Again, suggestions are directed towards Superclubs and or Hedo III
executives or management.
Would
we go back? Good question.
We were even asked that before we left. Not any time soon.
Not any time late. If you’re
gonna go to the Caribbean you better have a beach, a GOOD beach and a good
back up plan for when the weather is disagreeable so that your guests aren’t.
Look for my wife Linda’s much more professional trip report here as well!
Ed