The Resort and it's Amenities:
The entry to the resort and the front desk are nice. We were able to
check-in very quickly. Once again, it was relatively early in the
morning so that may have something to do with it. On our walk to our
room, we did notice the broken waterwheel (rusted shaft) and grass that wasn't
exactly "fairway green" but, otherwise, everything looked
great! We, at first, wanted a room in the 600 building overlooking the
nude pool but they were all booked so we received an upgrade to a suite in
building 500. We were actually the furthest away from the rest of the
resort that you could get and it was GREAT! EVERYONE mentioned that they
could hear noise all night long - we heard nothing! We were still only
about 50 yards from the nude pool but the noise was blocked by the 600
building. If you want quiet at night, I highly recommend the 500
building.
Our room was very nice except for a couple things. We had an ant
problem. The little piss-ants were attracted to anything that resembled
"sweet". They loved the flowers that were left by room
service. We also had a problem with one huge, incredibly fast
cockroach. Let me tell you something, the cockroaches in L.A. are
lethargic compared to this Mario Andretti. I finally got him when he
scurried into the curtains. He obviously came in thru the windows.
That was the only day when we left the windows open all day long.
The AC is great! If you leave it running you will freeze your ass off
when you come in from the pool at 4AM. The TV and the fact that they
have the Playboy Channel running 24/7 is also great!! Nothing like
waking up in the morning, having a cup of coffee and watching two hotties
pleasuring themselves -- memories of the night before in the nude jacuzzi --
but more about that later.
The rest of the amenities at the resort were pretty good. The only
things that I'd say to look out for is the tile, the steps to the disco and
the waterslide. Nothing like Jamaican engineering at it's finest.
We all know about how slippery the tile is, well, it's worse than that.
The steps to the disco seem to be fashioned with no measurement at all.
They are extremely step and narrow. I never went on the waterslide
myself. I opted not to after seeing the injuries to people coming off
it. Sandra got a nasty bruise on her tailbone and I saw numerous bruises
and lacerations on people's thighs. Lot's of bruises! Use it at
your own risk.
I never went in the gym (my idea of a workout on vacation is 12oz. curls!),
but it looked like it had state-of-the-art equipment. The pool and ping
pong tables were good. There were also lots of board games to choose
from (like somebody would actually want to play Monopoly when there are
beautiful naked women frolicking in the nude jacuzzi!).
All the pools were really nice to look at. It's only after you get in
that you begin to notice things. I, personally, never set foot in any
pool other than the nude pool (why would I want to hang out with a bunch of
stuffy prudes?) so I can only give you a first-hand report of the nude pool
and jacuzzi. The bar stools at the bar will rip you to shreds if you're
not careful. So will the edges on the jacuzzi. I don't know what
idiot designed these, but he or she should be shot!! We never had too
many problems with the temp of the water in the jacuzzi. One of our
"gang" found the on/off switch for the heater and kept us nice and
regulated. There is no thermostat, so it's either on or off which is
what's been causing all the problems with the temp. The staff will come
by in the evening and turn it on so by 3AM it's too hot. It gets turned
off during the day so by 4 or 5PM, it's too cold. Dumb. I think
the door to the equipment room is on the back side of the waterfall.
Check it out.
There were plenty of chairs and plenty of towels everywhere. Nola and
Ann-Marie kept the drinks flowing at the bar. Two of the most wonderful
ladies I've ever met!!! They can whip up the most incredible
drinks. Check out the "Hummingbird", or as I referred to them,
"Hummers". There was always some inflatable raft floating
around so you may or may not want to bring your own.
The Activities:
I am definitely NOT going to put the staff down in any way, shape or form but
the planned activities were a little boring. The staff worked their
asses off trying to get people motivated and for a variety of reasons I never
saw things "clicking". I think the primary reason is that all
the activities are on Jamaica Time. It took FOREVER to get things going
once they were annouced. I think another downfall is that a lot of the
activities were planned for the Main Dining Room Stage. The Stage is a
nice venue for bands and such but I think that the Toga Party, for example,
would have been outta control had it been in the Disco where you have 200
drunk partiers screaming and yelling for you. As it was, there was a
small crowd of people sitting at tables politely clapping when someone came
onstage. Exactly the same for the wet T-shirt contest. It would
have been a blast in the disco, but as it was it was a little tame.
There was the usual round activities like The Human Sundae, Body Shots, Pussy
Shaving, Body Painting, etc. We all did them once and it was so tedious
that we just never participated after that. I'll explain; for Body
Shots, Pee Wee had all the girls lie on their backs on the bar in the nude
pool. The bar isn't that wide and all the girls kinda had to sit up and
lean on the girl's knees behind her. It took so long to get things going
that all the girls were complaining that their tailbones were killing
them. It kinda took all the fun out of it. For those who were a
little timid, I suppose that these activities are great ice-breakers.
Ok, on to the fun stuff:
Are you going to see someone having sex? Unless you're blind or have a
bag over your head, you probably will. Will you be the one having the
sex? Just like every other trip report has stated, if you're outgoing
and fun to be around you will probably make some friends who will invite you
to "play" with them. To give you an idea; it was about 3PM or
so in the nude pool. Everyone had been drinking for at least 3 or 4
hours by that time...enough to get loosened up a bit. My lovely wife
suggested that we go behind the waterfall in the nude pool for a little
"afternoon delight". Well, much to our delight, we were soon
joined by about 4 other couples and it soon became a hedonistic grope, lick
and suck fest. There was flesh everywhere. Penises, asses,
breasts, lips, and tongues all kinda swirled together in one big psychedelic
chlorinated whirlpool. And, no, I hadn't smoked any of that evil
Jamaican ganja. Here's another testimonial; we brought our own
"Dirty Dice" to play with in the jacuzzi at night. I dubbed
myself the "DiceMaster" and as such, was able to make the rules of
the game. The game was simple. You roll and whatever comes up, you
get to choose who in the jacuzzi to perform your turn with. The
recipient then got to roll the dice and choose their recipient. With few
exceptions, almost everyone went along with it. It was almost like Truth
or Dare. My highpoint was asking 8 beautiful women to stand up and put
their arms around each other while I licked all the way across 16 beautiful
breasts. I had a smile on my face for days...still do, for that
matter. Based upon what I saw, it was the women who really had the
opportunity to live out their fantasies. I've never seen more girl on
girl action in my entire life. Does that mean that the guys got left
out? Not at all! There was plenty of action to go around, if you
know what I mean. At one point in time, there were about 4 girls who
were extremely "busy" and were taking forever to complete their
turns so I, as DiceMaster, just turned around and gave the dice to someone
else. At one point in time, we had about 3 separate turns going at
once. And I was concerned that Hedo 3 might be boring.....HA!!!
DisneyLand for Adults:
Yes it is!!! All you have to do is endure about 2 minutes of pure terror
as you drop your towel and frantically look around to see if anyone is looking
at you. After about 30 seconds, you'll realize that nobody cares.
Believe it or not, all the men had penises of various shapes and sizes and all
the women had breasts of various shapes and sizes. Some people were
shaved, some were not. Some people were fat, some were not. Some
had piercings, some did not. Some were sunburned and some were smart and
wore at least SPF15 waterproof sport sunblock. Some were married, some
were single. Some were pilots, some were oil company executives, some
were students, some worked retail, some owned their own companies, some were
retired and partying their way around the world. Basically, it was just
a cross-section of society. Granted, everyone was nude but, after that 2
minutes of initial terror, you'll wonder why you ever packed clothes in the
first place. :-)
Would We Ever Go Back?:
The very second that we can find someone to watch our son for a week we will
be on a plane to Jamaica!! Count on it! I am now spoiled for any
other vacation. I think anything would pale in comparison to a Hedo
vacation.
As PeeWee would say in his little high-pitched sing-song voice, "It's all
incluuuuuuuuusive"
Regards,