John & Patti - April, 2013
Hedonism
II, Negril, Jamaica, Caribbean, Third Stone From The Sun, April 22-26
Well I really think……….no, I KNOW I’m (getting) too old for this shix, but here goes.
Monday
The bus fiasco cost us an hour at Sangster. As it turns out the delay was a woman trying to pocket the $105 round trip bus fare provided for in our all-inclusive rate. We got it ironed out but not until a very friendly female airport guard told the woman I was going to get the police involved. I was going to eat the $100 well before involving any law enforcement but her threat got us our refund.
On to Hedo. Patti and I celebrating 30 years, headed out to our first long trip since (the kids’) college (bills ended). We like Hedo. She likes to get an allover tan with no lines. I like to look at vaginas. So it works out just fine. At the front desk we notice two huge signs: The Fluffernutters, and Biff’s Bunch are the groups de jour. The former is a self-explanatory swingers group and Biff’s is a nudist group. Steered clear of both groups. Neither was enticing that we could discern. Our room looks right out on the nude beach! Classic room location: right between the massage shack and the nude pool right on the nude beach:
(actual
iPhone photo from room)
The inimitable Biff of Biff’s Bunch has the room next door. http://biffsbunch.com/biff.cgi/OpenAlbum He’s old, unfortunately. One morning we swear we saw him come out of his room whacking his pee pee running on out onto the walkway. We started just laughing. 2 rooms down in the Jacuzzi suite there is the most gorgeous 25 year old blond with the cutest little coin slot, tan, buxom thighs, undersized but real tits!
She is so hot everyone wants to lick her. Women too. At any given time there was a line to talk to her like she was an ATM.
Needless to say the Myers and Appleton Rum flows like water and the beer is draft and tastes just like piss. So, I am perfectly happy with my Myers and coke and Patti’s happy drinking Absolute and cran. All day at the nude beach and then over to the nude pool! This is just torture. Wow. Scoomba and Delroy (bartenders) are STILL there. 28 years for Delroy.
The nude pool is an absolute riot. We meet a couple from SC as Melia, one of the paid entertainment workers, comes over and hugs us in hopes of not getting nailed by a power squirt gun. Melia looks about like:
I used this excuse to grab and hug Melia whenever we happened to both be in the pool. All kinds of contests going on on the deck next to the pool. So it was loads of fun eating jerk chicken and drinking rum in the pool watching the show. Blowjob contests on bananas, reverse humping by wives, pussy shaking contests, all supervised by the event staff with a microphone. I was hoping for some girl-girl action in the Jacuzzi, but alas it was not to be. Oh, they did it. I just missed it. Figures.
The best time on Monday was around 5pm when a classic reggae 4-piece band set up on the nude beach. They were classic good, mon and all the ladies were dancing. So I will probably never forget leaning against the nude beach bar and watching coin slots bop to the beat of Bob Marley. Ahh the coin slots. I am a sick dog.
Tuesday thru Thursday
The next few days become a blur to me. I will try to recollect. I’m just lookin’ for clues at the scene of the crime, life’s been………(I know, I digress)………………………beach, pool, nightly entertainment. Tuesday nite was the fashion show. Watching the show with Earl and Amy from Mississippi (thickest a-accents y’all evuh huhd naw) I noticed Earl’s eyes were fading. Then on to the neon party. That was weird. Must be like a rave. The owners were there. Weird people. Harry and a short bald guy I call Danny DeVito.
Wednesday nite was Karaoke. I gave it my usual Born to be Wild, Twist and Shout, and All Right Now. Got people up dancing. But the southern girls doing country ballads were about as bland as music gets and we tired and bailed to the room to watch reruns of Hung which I (appropriately) brought along. I like the episode where the rich blonde student asks, “Are you a prostitute Mr. Drecker?” But I digress.
Wednesday I decided to quell the humidity by purchasing Heineken by the bottle at the gift shop. This turned out to be a good move. Ice cold 4.7% Caribbean Heinies really hit the spot. Not watery like US Heinies. Prior to that I decided to hit the gym:
This is the actual gym except there were four people at the table outside and they were sharing the same cigarette. At first I thought it was a cigarette cuz it was so huge and they weren’t looking around to see if anyone was watching. No paranoia no cry. Just to the left of the smoking patio there are outside shaded beds. An older guy was banging his wife on one of ‘em as I worked out on the tread like the guy above. You really can’t make this shix up.
On the nude beach there was a tiny girl with what I will call lip rings between her legs. She sculped all day in the sand. Made wee wees, women, titties, couples mating, etc., between tokes. At any given time you would smell pot burning on the beach and at the pool. Even right before and right after the Jamaican Red Stripe Guard paid a visit! My god people have nerve. I was freaking out for them. The Guard could care less because tourism is (well almost) everything in Jamaica.
Another reason the joints, or spliffs (large joint), are so large is the dope is actually quite moist and spongy without any apparent seediness. This makes it impossible to make a small one. And why? It is very potent and inexpensive. And convenient. A local guy named Johnson pulled up on a Kawasaki jet ski and offered the most amazing sticks and marching powder for very little. One morning Johnson pulled up and the grounds guy, Morton, yelled, “Pharmacy open!” If we had been there a few more days maybe I’d ‘a’ ventured off grounds over to Ted’s tea shop and on another occasion to Jenny’s cake shop.
Mendicino Beano red head named Jenn danced nude on the beach one day. Nice red mini-bush. Coin slot bubble butt from Georgia rounded out the brunettes for your viewing pleasure on the nude cruise boat to Rick’s café in Negril.
Will Farrell (clone) was already on the catamaran as we boarded, sitting on the tramp with balls hanging almost thru the netting. This caused everyone to avoid the tramp and stand below by the open bar. Later on, Will staggered off the deck and eventually into the dining room where he dined alone and asleep. Hilarious!
Twice we ate at the WOP restaurant and once at IKickiDickies (Benihana style). Shelly kept pouring the champagne and thought it was unusual that I didn’t order any pasta. I just said No Pasta No Cry which made here cackle with delight. Jamaicans find my warped sense of humor to be overwhelming. Either that or they are Jonesing for a tip.
Twice we had massages courtesy the lovely Lo(r)y. She was amazed that I remembered her from 2005 and so she is on distribution for this important and serious trip report. She is hot (see Melia above) with a sparkling personality.
So the burning (no pun intended) question is, like Las Vegas, ‘will we return?’
We can only hope so!
-JL