Doug (Hedodude) - April, 2013

April 12-19, 2013

 

Arrived in MoBay accompanied by the wonderful  Adirondack Paul & Mrs. Paul. Never got the fish sticks !!!

 

Breezy immigration/customs. The “lounge” was open but for reasons unknown. A transport official of unknown affiliation directed us to our buses/transportation. Needless to say, the patron sticker bandit for GoClassy Tours adorned various structures and persons with “H2” travel stickers. That amidst the usual Red Stripes, now at a whopping $6.75 USD !!!! That was the same week that the J dollar was $100 to USD $1.

Off we went, or so we thought. On our way out of the lot we were told that we had to go back for two more passengers……sigh. Well, we go back to pick up Butt Crack Doc. One guy, but hey, he counts as two !!!

 

Off to H2!!!

Typical ride. Stopped at Golden Apple Bar for beers; etc. Crowd on bus wanted to go straight through but since I always ride “shotgun” (and since Bailey is my well known repeat driver), we stopped. Travel friend Lori thought we were driving too slow to get to Hedo (i.e. – SAFELY !!) Well, that relayed, Bailey steps it up to 90 kph. Thanks Lori !!!!

I got no “cut” of his kickback. Just so everyone knows !!!  Apparently, Golden Apple pays better than Global Villas for “quick stops”.

Arrival.

We roll through the chain and were met with an outgoing minivan. Shouts of “Dougie Uggie – Doc !!!” were heard. Anna Grant and Linley, her husband (aka Mr. Reasonable) were just dropping off clients to the property. Anna was let go in the employee layoff of March (grrrrr) but was riding with the hubby on their trips to MoBay. Much love mi baby !!!

“Sunshine” checked everyone in quickly with keys in hand.

Off to lunch.  A Hedo employee says “Doug, there is Mr. Lange, the new owner -  I’ll introduce you.” Composure/sobriety in-check, I say “Hey Mr. Wang, pleasure to meet you”.  Introductions handled.

LUNCH: Pepper steak and “carved BUTT” – no lie….carved “butt”. Chewable. Butt of what…I have no idea. I’ll assume an ox for now.

Stomach lined, off to the beach. Blah, blah, blah.

Looked  around. Same old dump – just more faded. (To myself) “wow, I love what they haven’t done to this place !!”

 

DINNER:

A vague memory but there was hand-carved turkey! Things are looking up so far.

 

 

Saturday brought a new day after a much-needed sleep and a scuba dive. New scuba boat wrapped in tarp like a Christmas present 100 yds. offshore. Damn.

The Butt Crack Tour folks were arriving and as each made it to the beach there were hugs and hopes for a great week.

Harry Wang (oops – Lange) was all over the property wherever we looked between meetings. Meet and greet opportunities with every guest. He was on property until the 28^th so there was plenty of time to get his attention. Honestly, Harry is a great guy. Very genuine and concerned. If you don’t like Harry – you don’t like dick!

Harry’s sister got the fortunate/unfortunate job of being the research specialist. I swear she worked 24-7. She always had a notebook in hand and was asking folks about things that needed upgrading, repaired or general contract demolition. By the time she was done with us – she’d filled 5 hard drives. BTW – she’d never been to Hedo before. Imagine Jane Hathaway from the Beverly Hillbillies dropped at Hedo – ROFLMAO.

Pause.

For those interested (as was I), scrambled eggs are not in the buffet – YET! Grits however, are STILL IN the buffet. Do your part for a green earth folks. Uneaten grits become pool grout. Re-use – recycle!

Bacon was either burnt to cremation or a globby pile of fat. Change soon come we hope.

Back to live action.

Most days were typical Hedo. Drink-drank-dunk-dive-dine and DONE.

I’ve reported on the pizza oven, wine bar.

Kamar is the newest member of the piano players. After almost 20 years of twice yearly visits – this kid holds promise. I did “Hedonismville” with him for the first time (his – not mine). He loved it and by night 3 – he had it down pretty well. Guests were once again finally piling into the piano bar to SRO levels. Lower volumes – better guest participation – lesser EC’s.

The buffet:

I said on the board I thought it was awful. Here’s why.

Food handling and safety. Period.

Non-stick skillets that had some of the non-stick surface coming of the pans into the eggs. Get rid of them. Geez! 4 million egg preps are enough for Mr. Fry Pan.

Pasta Bar: After 4 years of complaining and a case of food poisoning – the makeshift pasta stations are still using a communal rinse station for their pans. Hello? Tell ya what – I’ll run them through my shower before dinner and finish-rinse them in the toilet.

My gourmet chef friend had hand-carved leg of ham for breakfast, It was so cold and undercooked that he couldn’t even separate the fat line from the meat. He pitched a fit and they finally pulled it off the line. Trichinosis – can you hear me?

Beef. Define “beef”. Last I checked it was juicy, cooked to proper temperature, came from a steer and moist.

Beef brisket was one such hand-carved “delight”. Brisket is roasted – not suntanned. I placed my shoe on my plate in comparison for tenderness and flavor. The shoe won by a chainsaw. Way to go Secretariat !!

Question. How many ways are there to prepare bok choy and callalloo or any other vegetable medley at every meal? When you get into triple digits – let me know. I’d love the recipe.

Boutique:

Well, it’s pretty much empty save for the last remaining Hedo t-shirts, some crappy PJ lingerie and other duds. Lots of Jamaican trinkets for home. The cold box is there. Red Bull/RB light, Miller Lite, a few Coke products and some bottled fruit juices. The lady running it asked me how long I was staying as they were “re-stocking” since the transfer of ownership. I told her Friday. She said when I come back in November it will be better.  If you need personal items of any kind – don’t forget them right now. The shelves are as bare as the guests.

Disco:

Walked in only one night for a nightcap. 1 bartender – no customers. Now THAT’S service.

Smell is better somehow.

E.T (Extra Trips)

I highly recommend going “off property”,  at least for a short while if you will. The One Love Pub Crawl Bus is an amazing time.  You visit about 6 LOCAL hang-outs over about 3 hours and you get to see the REAL Jamaican life. The sights, smells, tastes and folks you meet will last longer than the salt retention in your fingers. I did it in November and was floored with the experience. Our newbies came back just GLOWING last week. DO IT !!! And…take your camera.

Dining off-property.

Some folks have their favorites…that is – IF they go.

My personal fave is Kuyaba for food and ambience. This year, our friends Lonnie and Beth wanted to celebrate. Kuyaba wanted up-front meal orders. Well, there were 50 OF US !!!! No wonder. We called Ivan’s Bar, a part of Catcha Falling Star. They welcomed us with spectacular cliffside views at sunset, excellent service and amazing food. Huge portions – and I mean HUGE. Skillfully prepared with plenty to share with friends. It got 12 nipples up from everyone – including Harry.

Hey Harry ! Can we get their head chef somehow?

For the vegetarian/seafood only crowd….look up Just Natural in Negril. Zagat rated. Words don’t describe the locale and everything else. It’s also on the pub crawl.

In closing…yes, things are pretty much the same at Hedo. We’re all hoping for many improvements – even with American-led ownership. This is Jamaica folks, and it’s gonna take time…a LOT of time, not at least for a good year or so. If you’re in for the long-haul, stay the course. If you want a miracle – book somewhere else.

I, (and most of us) are watching weekly to hear of the positive changes in store. Patience is a virtue and Hedo allows us to be a little out of the ordinary. Rome wasn’t built in day. This isn’t Rome – but their ruins remain.

Doug (Hedodude)