Doug & Chris Trip Report November 16-26, 1999
Written jointly by
Doug, who arrived within 30 minutes of Chris at MoBay, had to go through his usual ritual of explaining what his CPR dummies were – much to the puzzlement of the customs folks. Then had his bags routinely searched. Luckily, the paper shredder requested by a certain private air fleet made it through undetected under a handful of The Naked Truth About Hedonism II books used as staff gifts. The large pillowcase of band-aids/Anbesol/Dr. Scholls foot powder; etc. requested by a certain reservations staffer at Hedo were explained as “first aid supplies for a class.” Can you say “mule”?
Met up with Jersey/New York friends in the terminal and off to TimAir. The plane holds 8 plus 2 crew. It has working A/C as well. Chris did not suffer her usual nausea—exciting for all involved, to be sure. Drinks were not served aboard as requested.
The aerial view of Manley Blvd. shows some grading work improvements but nothing that looks like anything nearing the paving stage. Those who took the bus in said the road has never been worse (potholes, trenches). When at GNAT, remember to INSIST that the taxi is the one offered by the hotel at no charge—tell them you will TIP him, not pay him, $5 upon delivery to Hedo. We got double-talked by a cabbie, who insisted on more than the $5 tip payment upon arrival at Hedo. After a few words in the lobby were exchanged, we paid him – along with a good piece of our minds.
CHECK-IN: Champagne & orange juice is still available in the lobby. The new computers are pretty. See pretty computer. See nice low-profile screen with lots of information. See confused desk clerk. Check in is no faster than before. And check out even takes long if there’s someone in front of you checking out who has a bill. The days of dropping off your keys and leaving are over because of the computers.
As usual, go have a drink – rooms ready later. The resort was sold-out the day after we arrived and bumping to Grand Dildo (a name which even the coordinators are using) and The Point occurred.
NOTE: The resort is in the process of changing over the doors to the safe deposit boxes in every room. The new doors will have cut-out holes for a lock that inserts into it. When you get your SDB key – you’ll get a lock too. Unfortunately, our door was one of the old ones and there were no keys available for it. After 6 days of trying – we gave up. Near the end of the trip, the rest of the new doors arrived – YEAH! Unfortunately, they were too LONG for the boxes and have to be sent back.
Be creative in hiding your loot should this happen to you. Chris says about $80 in cash was missing by the time she went home (not all the money was missing—it was hidden in various spots), but didn’t report it to the hotel because she liked the maid and didn’t want to create any potential problems for her.
ROOMS: Same old rooms. The new air conditioners work great, except the oscillating louvers don’t allow you to put clothes on it to dry—knocks them off. They can freeze you out fast so we slept with it off all night but kept it on all day. They were purchased from an Israeli company and came with no instruction decals for the end users (guests). Play around with the buttons. The numbers on the front are in Celsius – not Fahrenheit. The button marked “A” stood for ARCTIC, not automatic—this we are sure of.
POOL/BEACH: OSHA looks like it came to part of Hedo. Numerous signs around the pool read “PLEASE WATCH YOUR STEP”. More handrails are in evidence.
Delroy is in fine spirits with his shaved head. It was starting to grow in a little. Delroy hasn’t decided if the “Telly Savalas” look is permanent yet. Scumba continues to grin behind his sunglasses, which he is often wearing upside down these days, and is cheerful as ever.
An aluminum street sign marks the intersection of Scumba St. & Delroy Ave and sits on top of the pool wall between the bar and kitchen. Doug is going to bring down the necessary mounting equipment to permanently install it on top of the tiered beverage rack in February.
Chris managed to revive her fat-ass aqua aerobics program because the staff (upon losing Dion) doesn’t appear to be teaching it anymore even though it appeared on the chalkboards. 16-20 fat-asses joined her for her two days of drill sergeant screaming.
STAFF UPDATES: Dion resigned just as we arrived. When asked of her future plans she replied “who knows?” She parted amiably. She’s dating (and we believe moved in with) Cornell Mannings who’s next door at The Pointe (he’s an ex-coordinator from the mid-80s.).
Robin, our gender-bender coordinator, has a new nickname he goes by – “Kitty Cat”. Insert your own opinion on this. He is much lower key than in the past. His butt is cuter than Chris’ and she was envious.
Mark goes by the name of “Sizzler”.
Eladio and Tavis remain in their supervisory positions and it looks like Lewis may remain there for life.
SuJean – formerly of Veronica’s and the carving station has also resigned. Location and status unknown.
Colin – the other omelette cook and partner of Charley, has moved to Canada. He is the common-law wife of a former masseuse there, Tina.
You old-timers may remember Mark Robinson of the kitchen staff where he was a chef several years ago. He left in 1997 to pursue a career with the Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines. He is now a sous chef for them and was back in Negril on vacation. He took time off from his holiday to conduct some free seminars for the kitchen staff on improving their skills in many areas. What a guy!
Robert and Indiana are still smilin’ , grillin’ and chillin’.
Indiana was thrilled to learn that men talk fondly of her splendors and would
like them to introduce themselves when they are at Hedo.
Veronica is charming as always. The piano bar didn’t have the same old zing/appeal it used to and we didn’t spend much time there.
Cheddy Parchment, the resident general manager at Hedo, left the resort for a new assignment at Breezes in Runaway Bay as RGM while we were there. Cheddy is very happy for this move for his family and career and even plans to build a house OFF-property. He is very sad about leaving his “Hedo friends” but when we left him after his last day of work – he looked as though he’d finally done the Island Picnic himself with the desired results – ha ha. The resort threw a going-away party in the disco for staff members only. The new RGM is reported to be a woman who formerly worked at Hedo but no decision has been made officially.
ACTIVITES: Body painting seemed to happen every other day with neat results. Nude volleyball has gained in popularity as well. Dirty Joke Telling is still a riot at the nude pool and the “Fish-A-Prize” game is still a favorite. Sorry – no nude Twister.
The book reading gang, who spend all day quietly by Delroy’s old bar (now the massage shack), put up a sign: “Library Room: Quiet Sex Only.” But one day they took action: After the noisy end of the beach enjoyed its what must have been the 5th body painting contest of the week, one book reader, Lori, at the sperm of the moment whips out her packet of dead sea mud—that Jesus came in—and suddenly the quiet group becomes a mud-laden group by rubbing all over each other and proclaimed that this was their body painting and they were truly boring because they only painted in one color.
Some advice: Look before you grope in the hot tub (can you say another “Tale from the Naked City”): Sharon was fondling her husband, Dennis, below the water line in the hot tub as she talked with her girlfriend. Dennis got up to go talk to someone for a moment and another man sat down next to Sharon in the crowded tub. Sharon picked up where she left off without looking. Her girlfriend asked, “Do you know who’s sitting there?” Sharon looked and screamed. The stranger just smiled.
We did determine some new information: one of the last five commandments on a broken tablet of the original 15 commandments was: Thou shalt not fuck a goat before eating it.
We determined too that the band playing at the hot tub was either called “The Grateful Dread” or the “Mood Busters.”
The sex police were not in force and the tepid temps of the hot tub didn’t inspire long visits late at night. A great daytime show in the fornicatorium (grotto) gathered a crowd that was funnier to watch than the action of the couples inside.
BARBER OF NEGRIL: The “crack staff” of BON, Ltd., were in full service during the week assisting over 15 lovely ladies in folicular removal and styling poolside. Nary a cut or scratch to anyone. The labias were lubed and the clits aligned for all female comers—or at least that’s what the sign said to advertise the services.
RAFTS: The raft supply is starting to dwindle a little. There were a few “castaways” to be found but many had leaks. But still never had problem getting an old raft. Doug actually got RastaBill’s leftover from Halloween. Sorry Bill, the paddlewheel HAD to come off. We actually saw more people floating on this trip than in any trip since the new pool opened. There are vaguely sandy spots under the water in some locations, but the rocks near the jetty at the shoreline are getting fierce…ouch!
There is one “activity” that is NOT popular with almost everyone. SuperClubs is holding an “Art Auction” on Wednesday nights in the dining room as the evening “entertainment”. There are several paintings, lithographs; etc. being auctioned, probably by the same folks that tried to sell us the time-shares a few years ago. Most of this stuff can be purchased at home at your local gas station – and – on black velvet. They are really pushing this event and it is not well attended.
One piece, which was to have started bidding at $150US was finally started out for bid at $1 by the auctioneer. When it couldn’t go above $40 – the auctioneer pulled it from the auction stating he couldn’t sell it that cheaply. This started a raucous round of boos and hisses. When he continued – the back three tables in the dining room rose and mooned him. When this didn’t work – guests starting clinking their water glasses with silverware. They were told to stop by the wait staff. Within 15 minutes the dining room was empty. Apparently this concept bombed at Grand Lido and they brought it across the street. This is pure nonsense. Combined with “Chinese Night” –this is truly adding insult to injury.
The only night of outside entertainment brought in was Elvis on Sunday night who’s there for less than half an hour every other week, and on Saturday night we had great singers come in to regale us. Otherwise it’s us entertaining ourselves for the most part. That men versus women lunchtime spin at dinner is fun, but weird at dinner, when dancing and music would likely be more appropriate in Chris’ opinion.
TOGA/TALENT NIGHT: On both toga nights the staff was disorganized. Guests were limited to one song if they sang and the balance of the show was some pretty lame skits by the staff. Most folks blew out early. Alan from Allentown did a great job singing one night to “Zoot Suit Riot”.
ELVIS: Still tearing down the house on Sunday night. Chris LOVES her Elvis and worked up one helluva sweat dancing (or was it seizures?) near the main bar. Both of us joined Elvis on stage to sing “Don’t Be Cruel” – an annual event. Doug says: For those that don’t know, “Elvis” is actually a retired American doctor who donates a HUGE amount of his income to charity in Jamaica. Chris says he’s from Scotland not the USA, and lives in Kingston.
OFF-PROPERTY EXCUSIONS: We elected to leave the hotel for an evening of bar-hopping into Negril with our friends The Traveling Bares. Our first stop was Margueritaville, a great bar/restaurant with a blazing bonfire on the beach and off-shore inflatable trampoline (sort of like those “space tent jumpers” at carnivals that kids play in). They have large hammock-type swings to relax in and fabulous looking food. There is also a nice gift shop and plenty of picnic tables on the dimly lit beach for chilling out. A laser-light type projector sends images out into the night sky.
Next we were off to Roots Bamboo. VERY SCARY. Roots is another beach-side bar but it crawls with harassment. Swarms of con artists and the largest collection of prostitutes ever seen in JA met us at the entrance. The next hour or so was spent avoiding the wood carvers, jewelry sellers, hookers and pickpockets. At one point Doug had a beer forced into his hands by “friendly” locals and then was extorted for payment. Having to watch your back every second is no fun. After we related our experiences to some of the entertainment staff, they confirmed our impressions. Stay away from Roots Bamboo. Several guests went to DeBuss for jerk chicken – with rave reviews all around.
THANKSGIVING: Frozen Turkey Bowling (after a 2-year hiatus) was a hit at lunchtime spin. Following lunch, the Annual Macy’s-Hedonism II Spanks-Giving Day Parade was assembled. With 122 marchers (a new – or nude – record) and homemade banner in hand and our famous kazoo band in tow we marched on Sandals and Poinciana. This went well until some jokers on one of the glass-bottom boats offshore began firing water balloons at our group from a slingshot. One balloon hit an elder member of our group, Mary (who has a history of open-heart surgery) square in the chest – knocking her down. Medical help was summoned from Sandals and after a few minutes a boat was dispatched from Hedo to pick her and her husband up. The culprits got away. Luckily – Mary recovered and was back in action later in the day. These toys are banned from Hedo as far as we can tell—especially after an incident/accident last March.
Dinner was slightly off from last year. They ran out of turkey breast and ended up dissecting several turkey legs, but the beef Wellington was incredible. Many guests commented on the lack of pelicans around the resort…hee hee. The usual yummy mashed potatoes with lumps n’ all were replaced by dried roasted potatoes.
RANDOM OBSERVATIONS:
A viral flu-type illness struck many guests and staff while we were there. This really knocked a lot of folks down, most for 24 hours – others for several days. Hacking coughs, extreme fatigue and nausea were common. Four coordinators called out sick on one day because of it. Doug had it and it kicked his butt good! Only the men were affected it seemed, the women thrived.
Hard-wiring continues for installation of smoke/heat detectors. Upstairs rooms are being done first and there might be some minor inconveniences since these guys start early in the day. They have to drill the walls into the rooms.
The little room number signs that adorn the pathways have had cedar shake roofs built on top. Tres cute.
Doug brought some brass cleaner and managed to remove nine years worth of grime from the “Walk of Trees” plaque.
The CD player at Delroy’s has been restocked with a nice variety of
discs. Reggae and contemporary along with the old collection of “dirty
ditties” that used to play at the old beach bar are in evidence. You can
purchase the “Short Dick Man and Others” collection for around $15US.
Just ask Delroy or one of the DJs.
The new chairside-cocktail service is less than successful. There is one waitress to handle the entire nude beach. You may order your drinks and wait 20-30 minutes before it comes back. If you are like Chris or Doug, you’ve forgotten you ordered a drink and are someplace else by the time it comes. The waitress places the order the same as you do at Delroy’s and waits like everyone else. One cocktail waitress vs 5 guys to pick up empty cups…..hmmmm.
Juice & Cocktail Service in the Dining Room: This too has fallen short of expectations.
The coffee/water servers now have juice responsibilities
at breakfast and cocktail delivery during lunch and dinner. Wine and water
service have slowed considerably though.
The old 5-6 juice dispensers from the buffet are now spread out throughout the dining room at the busing stations. Your server will have to go all the way over to get it. Meanwhile – coffee and water refills are quite delayed if not ceased. Most of us seem to value those constant water and caffeine jolts in the mornings more than juice. Suggestions have been made in writing to return the juice machines back to the buffet. Also, the juices are not marked so that if you decide to get your own refill – you have to guess whether it’s pineapple, OJ or grapefruit AND – where it is in the dining room. Many evenings we weren’t offered bar service at all.
TV ROOM: The TV was broken for 5 days with no repairs made or apparently attempted. Some guests complained but to no avail. An OUT OF ORDER sign hung on the door.
GAMES: No, not THOSE kind of games. Thanks to guests there are plenty of board games and other novelties in the game room. There were several unopened boxes of everything from Monopoly to Pictionary. You won’t lack for rainy-day stuff to do.
Looks like Santa came early.
THE INTERNET: Doug had a chance to meet with Gary Mitchell, the online sales coordinator for Hedo. Doug gave him the software for AOL 5.0 for H-2’s computers. Gary advised that he is currently working on several projects:
1.
An e-mail database of all repeat guests. This will allow Hedo to send “specials”
out to guests for “inside” promotions.
2. A “cyber caf” at Hedo. The location is unknown but it is hoped that Internet access terminals will be in place sometime next year for the checking of e-mail; etc. by guests. How about the little phone room in the lobby? Gary assured Doug that anyone needing to check their e-mail at Hedo is free to do so from the terminal in his office during regular office hours. He can bring up the AOL Home Page and tie you in if you’re an AOL member.
3. Individualized e-mail accounts for staff and a new Hedonism II Home Page.
FOOD IN-GENERAL: Food was fair to good. Breakfast remains the highlight of the day. Chris prefers lunch. They need another omelette chef though. Most mornings – Charley was by himself with a VERY long line of customers. Many of us just raided his condiment bins and dumped the fixins in our scrambled eggs.
Sausages were drier and less tasty. They DO have a sliced kielbasa-type
sausage that they are serving in a Scotch bonnet pepper/sauteed onion sauce.
VERY hot but full of flavor. Fruit selection was down too. Mango, papaya and
star apples were limited if not absent. Chris got real tired of cantaloupe,
pineapple, bananas, and honey dew melons at EVERY breakfast and lunch.
The fresh cold peas were not in as much evidence as in the past.
Wednesday lunch is excellent, with great food choices that are outranking the
traditional meat/potato muck called Shepherd’s Pie.
Burgers at nude beach voted “best ever”. New hot dogs voted “worst ever”. Fresh fruit still available at McMon’s every morning. We didn’t see any nacho cheese available, but the chips are there.
Pastafari was above average. Beef tenderloin and scallops specials were big hits. There has been a large turnover in staff since Denva and Kenute have moved on. Our server on one particular evening spoke so softly we couldn’t even understand her. We had to ask for pepper for our salads, much to the frustration of her supervisor. When asked for a bottle of champagne – we were given a bottle in a one gallon white plastic cole slaw tub and placed in the center of our table.
Dinner: Chinese night was very good earlier this year but it has returned to its fitful state. It resembles nothing more than the days’ leftovers with oriental spices. Most nights, beef cuts were above average and lobster was considered “very good” by most guests, but don’t come late to dinner when the lobster dregs are served. Soups, which had been so good in the past, need work. Cold salad selection was excellent at every meal.
Bar Service: Much improved at the main bar and disco. Busy is busy, though.
Management: Joe Smith was VERY visible on the property and attentive to the needs of the guests. When he says he’ll get it done – he writes it down and gets to it.
FUTURE PLANS: Plans still in talking stage for renovation of gym and enclosing same.
OTHER GRIPES
There needs to be a “beer box” cooler at the nude hot tub. Kegs sitting out all day made for poor taste when the taps worked. Drains for the waste water pipes at McMon’s had to be “snaked” several times. The odor was putrid.
Locks on men’s bathroom doors at nude pool broken. Repeated requests for repair unanswered. A friend going in December says he’s bringing a repair for it.
No water taps…had to stand in lines at the bar just to get water. We wrote on our comment card to bring back the water tap at the massage shack.
Lack of coordinator enthusiasm. Perhaps it’s the burnout. Mark was always on. Jason was doing good work.
Constant breakdowns of equipment – particularly at the nude areas,
Soda guns, CO2 systems; etc. No back-up mixers available. Many drinks unable
to be made for up to hour at several points. Beer taps at pool dispenser
broken for days despite requests from guests.
Running out of jerk chicken and fish at the nude beach at night. They need to have more due to the demand.
Premium brand booze was not replaced at Delroy’s when it ran out. Usually it died around 3 p.m. daily.
Ice was a problem. On several occasions, block ice had to be hand-chipped for the bar at the nude beach – which didn’t fit into the glasses.
The nude beach shower used to have a chain-pull. There is now a brass t-stop on the shower head, virtually unreachable for anyone 5-8 or under. But then again, that just means us gals have to take a tall guy in the shower with us…not too shabby.
Cigar smoke in the piano bar was quite bad. Asking someone to even blow
the smoke away from you was looked on with apathy. We continue to think this
needs to be addressed somehow.
Wallies were few and far between—likely because
everyone seems to know everyone else at T-day time. Only real Vinnie sitings
were on our last day…a whole slew of them came in. One actual tried ordering
a beer from Delroy when everyone was singing Happy Birthday to him on Nov. 26.
Doug mentioned that he might have more luck if he waited a moment and
took off his jams. The Vinnie said, “You order drinks your way, I’ll order
them my way.” —Charming to be sure.
Chris, as usual, had her bags searched in customs coming back into Chicago. They are checking your bottles for drugs floating in them these days. They chose to ignore her rabbit and leather paddle and fooko-oku finger vibrator that she used on many people during the PJ party.
Hey, we did have fun, though! Honest!