Jamaica Jim’s Second Annual Infernal Venereal, uh VERNAL! Reunion

or

Water, Water Everywhere

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 As we start to write this trip report the first two songs out of the radio are Marvin Gaye’s, "Let’s Get It On", and Harold Melvin and The Blue Notes, "Bad Luck", we can’t think of two songs that describe the circumstances you’ll run into at Hedo better than these two. Well, not right now anyway, the rum and coke is kicking in.

Hedonism is as much a state of heart, mind and soul as it is a location. For those of you who have been there, you know what we mean, for those who haven’t been, go and you’ll understand. Otis Redding’s, "(Sittin’ on) The Dock of The Bay" is playing now, so close your eyes an envision the words to the song… you’re relaxing in a tropical paradise and picture a clear evening sunset, little or no breeze, comfortable temperature and humidity, the ocean surface is like glass, a couple of sailboats lie at anchor in the bay, your sitting on one of the big white floats out in the water alone or with someone special…. even if you have never been to Hedo, you should now have some idea. Anyway it’s the best we can do. Now, if only Otis Redding’s, "Love Man", would be played next we’d be really onto something.

This trip report will probably not enhance or explain the preceding statements any further, nor will it probably do much to tell the story of Hedo to those who’ve never been before. The reason is you simply can’t sum Hedonism up in words, it is an experience pure and simple. It is all about the new friends you will make and the old friendships you will rekindle. If that sounds a little corny consider this, we asked every first timer we met this year how they would describe Hedo to friends at home or on the Internet and they all said you can’t, it’s just not possible, it is something you must experience. I remember Connie, one of those first timers, said she had read trip reports and emails that said Hedo was all about the people and she thought, no that’s way too corny and sentimental, it’s gotta be the tropical setting, the lush vegetation, the weather, the beach, the nudity, etc. After spending a few days at Hedo we asked and she said, "You know what, it’s not the tropical setting, the lush vegetation, the weather, the beach, the nudity (though that helps!) etc., it is the PEOPLE, damn it is the people." We’ve been on many vacations all over and Hedo is the only place we’ve been to where we’ve seen grown men, yes men, and women cry when they have to leave. Doesn’t happen every time mind you, but the experience does seek out and augment emotions sometimes.

For this reason our trip reports tend to not be a diary of the trip. Diaries may be cute, but we have found them to be largely useless. We try for trip reports designed to provide helpful information spiced with a little humor. We will not generally be writing about Dick and Jane VUBS (that’s very unimportant beach slugs for the uninitiated) and their useless antics. This report will deviate from a sacred rule we have always observed which was not write about the trip down to Hedo. After all no one really cares how you got there, one presumes it was on an airplane unless you’re a really strong swimmer (now THAT would be a trip to write about!). Our trip down this time, however, was an adventure and a half and it does contain useful information if you know where to look for it. Time to put on your thinking caps.

(Warning viewer discretion advised: For those who really could care less, a substantial portion of the remainder of this report is about our trip down, but it was an adventure and it does have tips and heartfelt feelings. Skip to the summary and read on from there if you feel compelled.)

Dateline - Wednesday - May 19, 1999

Work has been pure misery for weeks now, we’re talking 18 - 20 hour days back to back to back with a boss whose highest and best usefulness would be as a med school cadaver. We seriously need a vacation. After 3 hours sleep we rise to begin what we have no way of knowing will turn into the travel day from hell.

How can you tell it’s the start of a bad day? For us it was when our always reliable, on time taxi service is not. This alone is such a rare occurrence a neighbor we call for an emergency ride is in disbelief, but he also can’t help us today, bummer. At 7:00 AM when the taxi was supposed to be at our door, Tim called to check their ETA. They had no record of the reservation made the night before and it would be 20 minutes before they could get a taxi here. Give me a break! The airport where they hangout on their beaded seat covers inhaling their gold crown air fresheners displayed in their rear windows is only 10 minutes away. At 7:20 Tim called again and was told that the driver was on his way, when in actuality Tim’s second call really prompted them to dispatch the driver. According to the driver, he was only a few blocks away when dispatch contacted him. Tim greeted the driver by saying "I realize it’s not your fault but, your company lost our reservation and we’re running late, does this cab have wings". Boy did he have wings. This driver made turns from non turning lanes and I lost count of the number of people he cut off. One of the drivers he cut off flipped him off and we could see the other driver mouthing a plethora of four letter words. Smiling and very calmly our taxi driver responded, "And good morning to you too sir". To say the least, we made it to Dulles Airport in record time, in rush hour traffic no less.

We rushed into the terminal only to find a long line at the US Airways ticket counter. Our first thought is this is not good. The most we can remember ever seeing is maybe five people in line ahead of us at the Dulles US Airways counter. Fortunately we had cashed in frequent flier miles to travel first class for this trip so we were taken at the counter next. The agent informed us that our fight from Washington Dulles to Charlotte, NC was canceled due to mechanical reasons. OK time to panic, we’ll never get to Jamaica in this life time. We stood at the counter for about 20 minutes. The best the agent could do for us was to send us over to Washington National airport (notice I didn’t say Ronald Reagan National airport, and never will) 35 miles away, get us on an American Airlines flight to Miami and from there to Montego Bay keeping us in first class. That wouldn’t be too bad except that the fight from Miami to Montego Bay didn’t leave until 7:10 PM. The agent told us that he was trying not to send us to Des Moines or Detroit. We thought he was joking until one evening at Hedo in the hot tub we talked to a couple who, in fact, had a direct flight from Des Moines to Montego Bay. (Pause for a thought here: You can tell just how screwed up the airline system is in this country when you can get a direct flight from Des Moines, but not Washington, DC, to MoBay. No offense intended to Des Moines.) After what we will be destined to go through in, and because of, Miami, Des Moines wouldn’t have been so bad. Anyway one important lesson, if we had been flying coach we wouldn’t be going anywhere, now we know how steerage class on the Titanic must have felt. The US Airways agent gave us a vouchers for a taxi to National airport and lunch, so off we went like two little lambs on their way to slaughter.

The next problem with the canceled flight was that we were suppose to meet up with Jamaica Jim and Nina in Charlotte and travel with them the rest of the way including a TimAir flight to Negril. Those of us who know Jim well will attest that beyond his carefree older Jimmy Buffett style personality, he is very caring and concerned sweetheart and would be worrying about us so we need to begin getting information out as soon as possible. (Can you tell this is Gail’s section of the report. Tim probably wouldn’t use the term sweetheart, at least when referring to another man, even if it is Jamaica Jim.)

We got to Washington National airport and went to the ticket counter. The American Airlines agent was really great. We explained our problem and she said that she was going to change our flight and get us out of National on their next flight instead of the 2:00 P.M. flight US Airways scheduled us on. The agent said "I want to get you out of here because everything breaks down at National in the afternoon and I don’t want you to miss the flight to Montego Bay because of it". This turns out to be a fortuitous move.

Tim went to a phone and called Lance Hutchinson at Go Classy Tours with whom we had booked our stay at Hedo. We gave Lance our current revised travel plans and asked him to get word to Hedo and to Jamaica Jim. Even though Go Classy had not booked our flight from Montego Bay to Negril on TimAir, Lance also faxed them to cancel our reservation since we would not be in until after dark and TimAir doesn’t fly after dark. There’s more on Lance & Go Classy throughout this report.

The American flight to Miami was uneventful. The first class service was good, I especially enjoyed the warmed nuts they served with our beverages (OK get your mind out of the gutter, warmed nuts like cashews and walnuts). We landed in Miami on time around noon. Next problem, what to do in Miami airport for the next 7 hours? Answer, not much. Unlike the remodeled Washington National or, my favorite, Pittsburgh airports, Miami airport sucks. No apologies intended, this airport really is the bottom of the barrel. No nice restaurants, uncomfortable chairs and it was freezing in there. We have vowed before, but swear this time, we will never fly through Miami again, we’ll go to Des Moines first.

As we were landing in Miami we had seen dark storm clouds gathering near the airport. Well, about an hour after we landed Miami was hit by a major thunder storm, I’m talking monsoon here. It rained so hard that we could barely see taxis stopped at the curb just in front of the glass door we looked out of. There was a lightning strike that sounded like a bomb going off. You should have seen everyone do a duck and cover. Tim was on the phone with Lance at the time and he may have heard the hit. Lance, by the way, informed us the path had been cleared with a fax to Hedo and TimAir and both had been asked to give Jamaica Jim the information so he would know. All we can do now is sit tight and just get there. Anyway, we later found out that it was the airport control tower that took the lighting hit. As you can guess this caused all hell to break loose. I looked at the arrival and departure monitors and actually watched the status on many fights change to delayed or canceled, it was sort of like pulling the lever on a slot machine and watching the different images roll past. Our flight was still listed as on time, but we still had 6 hours to go. Fortunately the storm only lasted only about an hour so there was a lot of time to get things back in order before our flight. But then again this is Miami. Oh yes and just to keep things interesting the wind was blowing all sorts of debris through the terminal when the terminal doors were opened, people were actually ducking from the stuff. Great the only thing flying around is IN the airport not over it.

We got a cart and threw our carry on luggage on it and started walking around the airport. For Tim this was like me taking him out for a day at the mall. Let me correct that, I have never been able to keep Tim at a mall for more than an hour, and for 45 minutes of that hour he is whining and dragging his feet like a five year old. I guess it’s a man thing, you know that hunting and gathering crap. We did put most of our gear into a locker so at least we weren’t beasts of burden all day. Anyway, so went our day, we walked, and sat, and walked again, and sat again and darn near froze to death. If anyone needs to know where something is in the Miami airport, though god only knows why, we can tell you. We had been at least smart enough to store our stuff in a locker before too long. Eventually, and after it stops raining, we went outside to warm up. It’s about this time, and unfortunately close to departure, or so we think, that we realize we should have asked for access to American’s Admirals Club. Damn a missed opportunity for some comfort and probably sleep too. One of our few mistakes this trip. Some of you may be thinking, why didn’t you go into town or off the airport property? Well we were extremely tired, it was raining, we weren’t there to sightsee, we were there to catch a plane and we continually held out hope for an earlier departure. We did try for other flights to no avail by the way, but mainly we needed whatever rest we could get, so leaving wasn’t really considered. If we’d really wanted to leave, Tim’s brother lives in Ft. Lauderdale, we could have called him, but ruled it out, sorry bro.

Time finally passed so we decided to make our way to the gate. We picked up our carry on gear at the locker in Concourse E where we left it and where were originally supposed to depart from. Now the monitors indicate we are leaving from gate D8, we had originally arrived at a D gate, so we retrace our earlier path. After passing through security for the, oh let’s see, 4^th time (jeez we’re gonna start glowing), we get to the gate and the flight displayed on gate is Hartford, CT at 7:30. I said to Tim there was no way they could get the Montego Bay flight out at 7:10 and a flight out to Hartford by 7:30. No wait a second if Hartford is at 7:30 here, where is Montego Bay at 7:10?? We checked the monitor again and it still said Montego Bay at 7:10 gate D8. The line at the gate’s counter was long so we went on a hunt for an agent to talk to. They told Tim that our flight would be taking off at that gate, the flight to Hartford would go out after us sometime. Uh, OK, and what time do we leave? The gate agent doesn’t know for sure so we check the monitor again and now is does say Montego Bay 7:35 at D8. Yeah but D8 still says Hartford, man I love accurate, timely information, arrrgggghhhh. We decided to wait at the gate, just in case they changed their minds again. You could tell the difference between those flying to Hartford, men in suits and ties, and those going to Montego Bay, shorts, tee shirts and straw hats. Anyway finally they announce the Hartford flight is the one posted on the gate, but they will be boarding Montego Bay first for a 7:35 departure, please disregard the monitors and gate signs. No problem just tell us what plane, what gate, what time, and please get us the hell out of here.

Our time in Miami finally draws to a close and the best I can do to describe that time is to say we know how Moses and his people must have felt when wandering in the desert all those years.

We finally boarded at about 7:35 PM and took to the air very quickly, as in get on board, grab a seat, strap in, and hang on. The flight to Montego Bay was uneventful. After what we had been through so far, and what unbeknownst to us was still yet to come, we really like uneventful. This was our first time flying into Montego Bay at night and it was quite beautiful seeing the lights around the city and the lights going up into the hills.

Finally, we touch down in MoBay at about 8:45 PM. As soon as we stepped off the plane onto the top of the stairs it started to feel as though we have returned home again.

Home, it’s an interesting thought. I know Jamaica Jim told us on our very first trip when we left that we were really leaving home to go on vacation back to the states and would return home in one year. We took that thought to heart and on previous return trips we certainly felt as though we had never left Hedo. But we can honestly say it wasn’t until this trip that we really understood Jamaica Jim’s statement. Once we landed, it we truly felt like we had returned home to the secure loving arms of family we hadn’t seen in a year and in some cases, had never met before. It’s tough to describe in words because these are feelings you must experience to understand and it has taken us 7 trips to fully understand ourselves.

Anyway, because the adrenaline is still flowing we feel tired, but hey we’re here at last, we did sleep well on the plane, so it’s hard not to feel as though things will start to go our way. On a quick side note, how tired were we? Well, Gail is a nervous flier and usually can’t sleep on a plane, but she was out cold part of the time anyway. Because we have flown in so late and in first class, we are the first ones off the plane and just about the only people in the airport period. We’ve flown first class once before and expect to see our luggage come off the plane last because this has been our only previous experience. Not this time, our luggage is first off, we grab it and are the only ones through immigration then customs. I regret to say that we did not get the names of any of the airport staff to acknowledge their tremendously important contribution to our well being by simply being nice. They were the first to make us feel welcome.

The immigration agent simply stamped our passports and said the first of what would turn into many welcome homes from the people of Jamaica. Time at immigration, about 10 seconds. On to customs where the woman simply said, "White form please, Welcome home, Keep moving, Thank You". Wow, Thank You, no time lost we never even stop moving.

Erroll, hmm we think that’s the right name partly because the spelling was odd, at the SuperClubs desk is the first person we want to thank. He was great, Tim tells him our last name and he instantly know who we are and what we’ve been through (one more thanks for Lance), he just has us wait quietly to the side and the real pampering begins. First, he gets our cab called for, then he locates our room assignment and attempts to get it changed for us since we already know we want to move rooms. He doesn’t succeed, but hey he tried.

Now it’s about this time we notice for the first time that Gail’s suitcase is damp, not wet, just damp, and Tim’s is wetter, but maybe it’s just the surface. The porter comes and lifts, no heaves, the luggage onto the handcart. Now anyone who’s ever been to the airport knows that these porters lift all kinds of loads all day long and never seem to strain very much. Well this poor guy noticeably strains to lift Tim’s suitcase onto the cart. He even stops and says, Hey mon watchu carryin in here rocks? Ummm, no why? See we’ve never actually lifted the suitcases at this point so we don’t know what they may weigh. We start towards the cab, it’s then Tim notices water dripping from his suitcase. Okay there’s a slight sinking feeling at this point, but we’re optimists, well Tim anyway, and we quickly forget it. Then the porter asks if something may be broken because our luggage is leaking. Uh, well no we tell him we think that’s just water. Gratefully neither he, nor we ask about it again. As we get to the cab the porter asks the cab driver to help him lift the suitcase in. Wow these guys never ask for help, this has gotta be serious. They drop the suitcase, funny thing is we don’t even care at this point after all we have the luggage and it’s on the way to Hedo with us. This is honestly the last time for 2 hours that we will even think of our luggage.

Until now we haven’t taken a cab or bus to Hedo since the very first trip, we’ve been flying TimAir since then. Unfortunately nobody flies to Negril after dark so it’s off for a road trip. For the uninitiated this is often referred to as the bus ride from hell. Anyway, the cab driver greets us and asks if this is our first trip to Jamaica. No, we tell him, it’s our seventh one. He seems to cheer up a little and says, Well then welcome home you are Jamaican and you know about the potholes, people, and animals in the road. Uhh, well yes but only in the day light!

It’s actually an interesting ride to Negril and oh yeah there are people and animals in the road. That is when there is a road! We can’t remember his name but sure wish we do so as to personally thank him. This guy knows every, and we do mean, every pothole, every crooked turn, every animal and every place the road is washed out! We started the cab ride, by the way, at 9:00 PM (note we landed at 8:45). We essentially fly to Hedo getting there at just about 10:30 PM (whoa second cab flight in one day!). I think we would take a nighttime taxi ride again it was interesting and definitely different, but we would remember to ask him to stop for a Pepsi. Also for anyone who has ridden in Jamaica before you know that the horn is the universal turn signal in the daylight, well at night it’s the headlights flashing. And they are widely ignored, trust us on this one.

The woman at the front desk at Hedo just looks at us and says, You must be Mr. Jameson. It takes a few seconds to realize she knows us because she is expecting us specifically, I mean how many other people are checking in this late. She says Jamaica Jim was just up here, but we weren’t expecting you for a few more minutes yet. We get our keys and head towards the room in search of friends and a cool drink.

We run into Crazy Joe and he leads us to everyone else standing around Veronica’s. JJ, Nina, Teresa and someone else (hey give us a break at this point) is there. We exchange greetings grab a Pepsi and head to the room about 11:30 PM.

The room is 2178 and it is the usual accommodations, the bags are there so we wheel ‘em in and find the keys to open ‘em up. Open up the bags and, OH SH*T, we are stunned find that all of our belongings are soaking, and we do mean soaking, sopping wet. The best guess is about 50 pounds of water weight per suitcase, maybe more, certainly not less. If it’s paper, it’s gone, it’s acid rain too so even old colorfast clothes have run into one another. Now we know where tye dye fashions evolved from. It is an unholy mess, the only dry clothes we have are what we are wearing. Everything appears ruined. We regret we take no pictures of this, but it is doubtful they could convey the full impact anyway. The whole entire crappy day now erupts upon us all at once, is there anything else the airlines would like to screw us over with because we’re down they might as well keep on kicking us some more. Gail loses all emotional control and starts crying hysterically while kicking the living daylights out of her suitcase. After pulling her off and calming her down she announces she needs a drink. Yeah a really big one please. We find JJ at the hot tub and ask if he has any spare coat hangers so we can dry some things out, then head to the front desk for more hangers and a drink.

After getting the drinks and the hangers we unpack everything, our room now looks like a cheap chinese laundry (no offense intended there) there’s stuff hanging everywhere there’s a place to hang or lay something. We finally crash about 2 PM.

Summary: It’s hard to imagine, much less have predicted, but our trip has taken over 16 hours, close to 17 really, has involved being awake for over 21 hours (the only sleep we got was on the planes), lost cabs, canceled flights, late flights, three airports, screwed over by two airlines, assorted crap thrown at us, and now it finishes at midnight with wet, ruined luggage and it’s contents. You know they didn’t even kiss us before really putting the stones to us. The only two things that don’t happen are lost luggage and a plane crash. You know even those wouldn’t have mattered much by this point. We have spent over 4 times longer in cabs and airports than we have actually flying. Maybe swimming to Jamaica has it’s merits, I mean you get there faster and drier at least. We are flat exhausted, being run over by a semi-truck would feel good by comparison right now. But we are home and the clean up now begins in earnest.

It angers us to no end that the luggage got wet at all. There was simply no excuse for it to happen. To get wet the luggage had to sit out on the runway, not inside, not in one of the little towed luggage carts, but right out in the open. Never mind the incredibly poor treatment afforded a customer and first class at that, what about security. We were on an international flight for crying out loud, if our luggage was out in the open to get wet, then it was also out in the open for anyone to gain access to it. Unbelievable. We know we have mentioned more than once we were on first class this trip, that isn’t because we’re bragging, honest. It is to point out that in traveling first class you are supposed to be treated accordingly, yet we were treated no better than one would treat a terminal disease. The airlines customer satisfaction efforts are akin to the executioner who throws the switch and grins smugly as you jerk violently against the restraints. Where is Kervorkian when you need him.

There were some subtle tips buried above for traveler’s in our (god forbid) similar situation, did anyone find ‘em?!

The next day we go to the front office and place ourselves into the helpful hands of the Hedo staff. Cheddy Parchment, resident manager, doesn’t even bother to hear our whole story but gets the staff swinging into action to see to it our every need is met. We’ll tell him our whole story a few days later, but for now his and everyone else’s concern is that we have no concerns. We’re sure they would say its their job, but we feel all of the staff we encountered gave 150% to see to it we were taken care of and we can’t thank them enough. Faye in reservations and I become fast friends as I pop in every day or so to call American Airlines and get the baggage claim started. At American we deal with a gentleman named, Vernon Bernard who turns out to be very helpful and cooperative.

Please note we did not approach any of these people and demand help, we weren’t angry or bitter with them, we simply asked if they would help us and thanked them for the help. Trust us folks being nice in a situation like this goes a very long way in Jamaica. In the US, forget it, you’re on your own.

Cheddy has arranged to have our laundry picked up and done. We still have to hang a few things around our room to dry that cannot be laundered, but they pick up what amounts to virtually our entire luggage. We also switched rooms at this stage to 2269 (I like the sound of that don’t you?) and he offers help in doing so, but we decline after all there’s nothing really left to move it’s all in laundry! We don’t know who actually did the laundry, but we must thank them profusely. Gail was convinced nothing would come clean, but on Sat. morning (yes 2 full days in the same clothes) we get the laundry back. We don’t know how, and maybe don’t want to know, but almost everything is amazingly clean, and even our t-shirts are pressed, just like Deb would do! Wow, big thank you to the folks in laundry. Now some of you are thinking, It’s a nude beach what’s the big deal with clothes? Well, you do wear clothes to the dining room, you try spending 2 days in the same clothes you wore for 21 hours, tired and sweating. Not a pretty picture is it. I did notice that when Cheddy was being so helpful he always lit a cigarette when we walked into his office, and he did mention he couldn’t have guests going nude everywhere or in the same clothes. Hmmm, just kidding Cheddy.

Another note, the laundry is supposed to take 48 hours, but we put a note on it telling anyone along the way to please rush it and to see Cheddy if they had any questions. Wow did that little note expedite things and clear a path, we observed that the employees would indeed point to the note when passing our laundry along. The laundry is also very affordable by the way, $1.08 US per T-shirt if anyone is curious, our whole bill would have been $42 US for two persons entire wardrobe. If it wasn’t that stuff would be wrinkled when we get back we’d seriously think of saving ourselves the laundry effort upon returning home by having them do it. What the heck do the T-shirts anyway who cares if they wrinkle. Anywho our experience with the laundry was very good, so if anyone was wondering, go ahead and use them.

That’s pretty much the end of the horror story and it’s aftermath. Starting Friday, our second day, life was more normal with one exception, rain. Oh yes more water, water the bane of our existence so far was to continue to be until Monday. More on that in a moment, first a tribute.

It is perhaps a sad truth to this trip, but with only a couple of exceptions we were not treated with respect and dignity until we left the U.S. and got to Jamaica. Jamaica may be a poor country, but it’s people are rich in compassion and generosity. As a people the U.S. should feel ashamed of itself for this, and it is the people make no mistake. We were uniformly treated well in Jamaica and they have every right to be proud of themselves for it. We know some folks will be angry with us for that statement, but you know what, that just proves we’re right.

Ah yes the exceptions. Well there was the American Airlines ticket agent in DC to thank for getting us the hell out of there. Most importantly though we need to thank Lance at Go Classy Tours who began notifying folks ahead of us on our route of our plight. That was no small act as he notified TimAir, for example, and we had booked them directly. He didn’t have to do that and it cost him a long distance call to do so. Folks we’re here to tell you right now, whatever your travel plans, make sure you work with a good travel agent who knows the resort your going to no matter which one it is and can do what Lance did to help us out. We’ve booked with Go Classy for several trips now and have even been down to Florida and met the staff, not Lance though. Will we use Go Classy again? Yes! Would we recommend them to other travelers? You bet! If you’re reading this report to get some information about Hedo, or you still need to book a trip, but don’t know who to use, then call Go Classy at 1-800-7Classy or 1-888-8Classy or checkout their website at www.goclassy.com. Yeah we know it’s a shameless plug, and we don’t even get any kickbacks, but they went above and beyond.

Last, and certainly not least, we want to thank our dearest friends, Jamaica Jim, Nina, Joe and Teresa. They received the notice we were coming in late from Lance and set about ensuring that our arrival went smoothly, in part, by making sure the staff knew. They even tried unsuccessfully to get our room changed, but we thank them for trying anyway. It’s the thought that counts.

Finally, an apology to Cheddy, we asked him for some microphone time on the main dining room stage to personally thank the staff and people of Jamaica. He naturally said yes, but we regret that we never followed through and that is entirely our fault with no excuses offered. We’ll make it up to everyone next year.

The ultimate key is being nice whether you need assistance as we did or not. Please and Thank You go a long way in any country, but you must remember that Jamaicans place a great deal of emphasis on respect and with good reason. We can’t tell you the number of times we’ve been standing at the bar and a guest has rather rudely demanded service. We saw it several times on this trip and women are as equally guilty as men, heck sometimes they’re worse. Then they proceed to wonder why their drink isn’t as good or why we got better service then they did. It’s a simple equation folks, drop the ugly American routine and join the human race, or don’t, but then stay away from Jamaica we don’t want you.

You don’t have to stop with please and thank you either, try asking the person serving you how they’re doing. Good grief they all wear name tags how tough can it be, and if you don’t see a tag ask them their name. It takes precious little of your time and the satisfaction is immeasurable. The next time you find yourself standing at breakfast waiting for an omelet ask Charlie how he’s doing today, then thank him for the omelet. I guarantee you’ll feel better and your omelet might just be better too. After all standing behind a hot grill making your food has got to be miserable on some level.

Sometimes you might be surprised at what happens when your nice. Tim had a few minute conversation with a maintenance worker who was waiting under the drink stand by the hot tub while it was raining. A no big deal, short, pleasant conversation, but it didn’t really register as something to remember. Two days later the guy says he’ll bring us some coconuts the following day. We said sure and sort of forgot about it. The next day he has someone find us, we find him and share a charming conversation while drinking an ample supply of coconut juice, right from the coconut. Another friend is born and we’ll be sure and share coconuts with him next year. The only reason we can think of for his hospitality was we were nice, he certainly didn’t ask, nor did we offer anything else in return.

Now, finally the rest of the trip. I wish we could spend as much time explaining it as we have the first 24 hours or so, but hey your bored enough already.

Rain, Rain, Rain

In Jamaica it’s usually called "liquid sunshine" and we’ve always thought that was an apt description… until now.

It normally rains in Jamaica about every day this time of the year. That’s not as bad as it sounds because it usually cools things off in the afternoon after several hours of intense sunshine. You get your beach time in and then a refreshing rain.

Well not this time. It rains on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday…. Not a couple of hours mind you, but nearly all damn day, every day. The first two days we don’t mind too much because the atmosphere is mellow and we need this after the first day, but the rain does get old rather quickly. Lots and lots of hot tub time. Don’t forget we’d also like some sun to dry out our wet stuff. Even when it’s not raining it’s cloudy.

Now, SuperClubs does have a "Sunshine Guarantee" that says that for every day the sun doesn’t show it’s face you get a voucher good for one year for that day. Fairly safe guarantee since the sun almost always shines for a couple of hours anyway. Well, this trip they finally had to honor that guarantee. If you filled in a form at the front desk you will be given a voucher for Friday and Saturday.

The rain wasn’t really all bad, it had it’s romantic as well as relaxing aspects, but it was still nice to see the guarantee honored. Therein lies a cautionary tale for SuperClubs.

Perhaps it’s a cultural thing or maybe just another corporation that thought it had a good marketing gimmick, but there was some question as to whether the guarantee would be honored when a large number of guests felt the sun had not shone it’s face. Let’s face it the "Sunshine Guarantee" is indeed a marketing gimmick which is unlikely to ever need to be honored. To SuperClubs credit they ultimately chose to honor the guarantee, but I wonder how much marketing damage was done before they made that decision. Truth be told there is no better place to be rain or shine then Hedo. There are undoubtedly people who come only for sunshine (or so I’ve been told, they must be prude beach people who don’t know any better).

If you have a guarantee, honor it without question and communicate this fact to the guests openly. Yes, the sun may have shown it’s face for a couple of minutes and then gone away again and yes, that technically nullifies the guarantee, but is it worth the consumer relations damage that may be caused to over just a few minutes? Put it this way, Americans are culturally accustomed to patronizing those company’s that believe in customer service and stand behind guarantees supporting their product. We are equally accustomed to avoiding those companies who fail to honor a guarantee. Reasonable flexibility is expected.

Anyway we digress, the sun finally did show up on a more permanent basis by Wednesday, and Thursday and Friday were glorious days, it didn’t even rain on Friday, can’t remember about Thursday.

Not much, heck we don’t think anything, was different about Hedo this year. There was no new construction to note, the water pressure and temperature fluctuation seemed better. There is a new mural painted on the end of the last building overlooking the nude hot tub. The food was noticeably better this year and the service in the dining room and Pastafari’s was substantially better than last year. The waterfall to the fornicatorium was broken, but due to be fixed, soon come mon (no pun intended). You know what would be nice are some bar stools down by the nude beach bar. There used to be some at the old beach bar and folks in the pool have seats so why not on the other end by the beach. I know management would probably say it interferes with service, but that’s bogus, 3 or 4 stools are hardly going to hinder anything and folks have a tendency to hang around anyway. Let’s add some marginal comfort and put some stools in, they don’t have to be fixed seats, portable is fine.

The flip side to this year's rain was last year's drought. Last year the vegetation was dried out and dying, not a pretty sight. This year there is new growth everywhere and the lush tropical plants are once again healthy. Last year’s drought was brought courtesy of El Nino, this year’s rain from La Nina. According to forecasts we’ve seen since coming back the Caribbean basin in general will have cooler temps and more rain this year.

Okay one last down note, the sex police. One security guard, in particular, was a major problem this year. Clearly the hassling of the guests must stop. We are adults and chose to be where we are, we know what goes on that’s partly why we’re here, we do not appreciate be treated as children. No one was doing anything that offended anyone except the security guard, he offended plenty of people. The sad thing in seeing what the guard was doing is realizing that Hedo is losing guests over this issue, last year was bad, this year was very, very bad. We heard from more than one couple who said they would not be back. Sure for the foreseeable short term future there will be new guests who replace the lost ones, but eventually word is going to become too wide spread and Hedo’s reputation will be irreparably damaged. We recognize that the sex police are not uniform in their enforcement, but there should be no enforcement at all, period. The purpose of the security guards is to ensure the safety of the guests, not impose their views, nor to insult or belittle the guests.

Okay back to happier notes and we’re almost to the end now. Okay, Okay stop cheering, jeez what a bunch of whiners.

Before we forget, the return trip was not entirely without incident. First, the service on US Airways was nowhere near as good as on American on the inbound trip. Second, our flight from Charlotte back to Washington Dulles was late because there was no crew. Third, we had some rum leak in it’s carrying box, but at least it was isolated from the rest of our stuff. For those of you keeping score at home this means of the four segments we should have flown on US Airways, we only flew on two and only one of the four was on time. In fact, other than this trip, Gail was to have flown 6 segments in the last 3 months on US Airways, but has only flown on 1, and only 1 of the cancellations was due to weather, the rest were due to mechanical problems. Our advice, don’t even consider using US Airways, they deserve to end up in bankruptcy, there are other airlines you can use, do so.

Things we’ll miss from this trip: Rain, yeah we know that’s kinda perverse isn’t it, but it had it’s moments like, block parties on the balcony outside the room, quiet moments in the window seat, laughing at prudes. Practicing voyeurism with Joe. Inventing new ways and tools to use in voyeurism with Joe. Sunshine, yeah the other side of the rain, didn’t get enough. Peeking in bathroom windows with Joe (hey we’re in a rut here!). Learning about "Cave Woman" and elasticity on the float in the evening (okay this one’s just plain weird). White panties. Candles in the bathroom window (that ones for you Joe). Coconut juice. RED panties, niiice! Providing voyeurism opportunities for Joe (whose always a little late, maybe next time J ), poor Teresa she’s so patient!.

Aside from everything else that may or may not have happened, we once again owe the overall success of this trip to the people, both those we knew and those we met. We want to thank them all including those mentioned earlier.

We start off with Patrick and Lisa whom we had the honor of being Matron of Honor and Best Man at their wedding. This was one of those events that could make any trip, anywhere special. Glad we could be there for you guys, not sure who had more fun you or Gail. We still can’t forget the look on Patrick’s face his first night at Hedo, pure shock and amazement. We apologize to Angela and Dejan for missing their wedding due to the rain, but were glad we made the reception, we’ll never view the eating of a wedding cake quite the same way again, ditto for Pat and Lisa’s cake consumption of same. We’ll just name some names here and apologies in advance for any we get wrong or forget. Jamaica Jim and Nina, Teresa and Joe, Robert and Vicky, Rob and Karen (say hi to George for us, Liam), Ron and Sharon, Jonathan and Connie, Todd and Michelle, Mike and Liz, Dan and Bonnie, Shawn and Heather, oh gosh the memory is fading, sorry to anyone we forgot and we know we did. We do have two more to mention.

To Doug and Deb, the two most reformed people we know. Our hats off to you, and we’re proud of you, for beating us to dinner, and you were showered and dressed! Wow talk about role reversal. Gee does the moniker T.G. (Tequila Goddess) still apply Deb? Please tell me you at least still iron t-shirts, we can only handle so much change at one time. Congratulations you two, look forward to seeing you next time.

Finally, last but not least, two people whom we won’t forget, and like everyone else hope to see again. They also coincidentally happen to be the last two people we saw as we left Hedo. Bev and Suz, well okay Beverly and Suzanne if you must be proper about it.

Thanks for the memories to everyone. We are attaching at the end of this report a list of quotable quotes provided by Bev and Suz with their permission, completely unedited (well a few were dropped) and written in their charming e.e. cummings style. We wish we had thought to record such quotes from our own view of the trip. Heck we wish we could remember such quotes! They are excellent and serve as well as anything to explain what Hedo is all about even if a reader doesn’t know the exact circumstances of the quote. And yes the tim and gail in the quotes is us. Cool Runnings.

One Love, One Heart,

Tim & Gail

Frasier69@Csi.com

 **************************************************************************************

composed by bev and suzanne while sitting on the floor of the mo bay airport,

but provided by most of you........

**************************************************************************************

"again, i really want to thank you for putting your underwear on my head"

(tim to bev)

"oh, is that the bible? how does that end?" (bev to the gentleman sitting

next to her on the plane.)

"may i hug you?" (eric to <insert name here>)

the pink pineapple incident (thanks bev!)

"i'll have a f***ing orange" (tina, translation:i'll have a vodka orange

spoken with a british accent....oh, it may have been all those red

stripes first)

"oh, i just assume universal shrinkage" (suzanne)

the disco sizzles 'till 5am (hedo propaganda)

"i'm so unlucky, i couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a $100 bill in

my pocket" (kevin from new jersey)..........."ever try a twenty?" (harris

from new york.

"kevin from new jersey, the phrase that will forever make me shudder"

(tina)

"bev, note the time, but don't tell me till tomorrow" (suzanne)

"you must be taking sexy vitamins!" (anonymous man to bev in toga)

"you remind me of a girl i know back home, but you're prettier and built

like a brick house!" (anonymous man in nude tub to suzanne)

dinner hair!

"this bikini wax looks like a crooked landing strip" (bev)......"i could

land there" (rodney)

bev describing the size of her whirlpool tub at home:

"room enough for two people?" (rodney)

"well, maybe one person and two pigmies" (bev)

"lucky pigmies" (rodney)

"i'm a legend in my own mind" (jamaica jim)

"i haven't gotten past your eyes....." (eric to bev in the nude tub)

"made ya look!" (rodney)

"have i showed you my nightgown trick?" (bev to the men of hedo :))

"are you from michigan?" (bill from new jersey)

"what IS THIS on my ass?" (bev while looking in the mirror @4am)

"i just spent $5000 on this dress!" (lisa)

"what a lucky man, to be seated at a table with three lovely women"

(waiter)........."it used to be four, but one left" (rodney)

reggae dancing to 'no woman no cry' in bob marley's homeland.

tina inspires rich from new jersey to 'take it all off' in the piano bar

"i don't know who that is, but it feels great...don't stop!" (suzanne to

tim during a backrub in the main dinning room)

"it just occurred to me, tomorrow i go back to being miss frayne"

(tina in nude tub)

"my fun muscles hurt" (bev)...."medically speaking, are those where i

think they are?" (suz)

"it appears i do not have a bra on" (tina)

"who else would be grabbing your butt?" (tim)...."well, that's the million

dollar question, isn't it?" (bev)

"there's more to life than NO sex" (rodney)

"i don't have a problem with having sex with someone i just met" (yung to

suz)

"i'd like you to meet my future ex-husband" (gail)

excuse me, you may not remember me, but i'm wearing your underwear. (tim's

t-shirt)

"i'd pay to see you in that" (tim referring to possibility of bev in metal

breastplate)

"wait, i didn't get to sniff those yet!" (tim......and i'm not

explaining!! :))