Here’s our "Dragnet" format report: "just the facts, ma’am."
Airlines: Air Jamaica – still fine. Check with your TA and see what type of aircraft you’ll be on. The "AirBus" class have movie screens and worth the upgrade to 1st Class. If you are on McDonnell-Douglas, or – "MD" series aircraft – forget it. No movies, no more leg room than coach. AJ has started downsizing meal portions too in ALL classes. Only one food run for four-hour flight to Chicago of cold chicken with noodles and Milky Way bar, but lots of booze. Doug made it through Phila immigration and customs with no hassles. Must be the NEW earrings. Chris got stopped as usual coming back into Chicago, but no little metal room this time.
MoBay: New airline----- EARL Air !!! Liked to fall over on that one! One-plane company, but it’s a VERY nice plane. We flew TimAir. TimAir has NEW turquoise ball caps available. Ask for them when you make your reservations or arrive there. Our pilot had a distinct lack of accent in his voice. Turns out he’s from New York and has been flying/living in Jamaica for 2 years now. Like – friggin’ Irie – eh, Louie ??? At least he was able to point out all of the ganja patches along the coast from the air. And – there a TON of them. Some are between the road and the beach. Happy hunting.
I-69 Update – Still being graded. Lots of sandy patches Looks a LONG way from completion. Since last Fall I think the one bulldozer DID move 100 yards. Most of us agreed that bridges across the inlets would be better than the new curvy road but I guess when you have hurricanes the bridges are the first thing to go…
Coordinator Update: Same old gang from last Fall except Shaka. She had a 3-day whirlwind romance with a guest and went off and got married. The new coordinators are getting lots of help from Lewis and Tavis; et al. One is Conroy and Buckwheat is his nickname, for obvious reasons when you see him. Nadia is a new gal—another cute tiny one.
Sex Police ? What sex police. Never saw them in 10 days. Matter of fact – we saw no open sex in the hot tub at all. The hot tub seemed more a conversational pool rather than a sexual cesspool. November crowd was way more sexy. But everything at Hedo is about what you see at any given point, and you might miss stuff.
Pool Complex: Like clockwork – the waterfall died mid-week. Jacuzzis were out one afternoon for an hour or so. Must have pulled the plug. Bathroom door locks still poor. We made it a point every morning after breakfast to take 1 chaise pad and one regular chair from the prude pool to the nude beach. It’s the only way to get either. Lights are OUT in the cave. "Soon fixed mon" was the reply. Don’t hurry on our account.
Delroy’s Bar has a new carved sign in the ceiling -- No TITS, No ASS – NO SERVICE! Someone stole the flags we left in November – American, Jamaican, and Buffalo Bills. More premium booze in back stock now (Tanqueray, Absolut; etc). Bumper stickers continue to abound. Hey – I think ONE of any sticker is plenty, right ? We left one from Dick’s Last Resort in Chicago that says " I (HEART) DICK".
Warning !! There is a large steel plate in the sand in front of the bar that routinely becomes uncovered due to foot traffic – watch your toes. The beach guys were constantly trying to keep it covered. It covers a service manhole of some type.
Chris teased Howard unmercifully by making him think she had a lesbian relationship with a gal who had hit on her by asking everyone to go up to Howard to say "Did you hear about Chris?" and then tell some outrageous story. He still wants to know about the flashlight and candle. (Hi Howard!)
Maint. Dept. is repairing replacing much of the cedar-shake roofs on property. The entire rotten roof on the old nude bar/massage shack was replaced while we were there. VERY loud repair work. It looks nice now. The roof over the main dining room is cedar and it’s being worked on too.
During the one PJ night we were observing bright purple sparks in the walkway to the main lobby. Seems they were arc welding new support brackets for a new roof during the party. It looked COOL though – FX-wise. Funny thing on Wednesday morning following the PJ party. The whole walkway area was very bright. No one figured out right away that the entire roof over that area had been REMOVED overnight! Unbelievably, they managed to tear out the old one, put in new timbers and have the whole thing done close to our departure. With the full moons we had for a few nights – it was neat to see from the breezeway.
Food: Above average. Hedo is apparently on the search for ANOTHER Head Chef. Pork Remoulade (?) was VERY good as were the salads. Soups were weak this time—normally incredibly tasty on previous trips. Chocolate cakes, brownies and REAL ice cream was quite tasty. Callaloo at almost every meal (making for the "green flash"). Shepherds pie was better than in the Fall but still not as yummy as the old days—less spicy. New food item -- Star apples. Looks like a pear with a pit inside but a soft, peach-like white fruit. Hedo-pizzas were better than before. New hash browns at breakfast, more like potato oatmeal. So-so. Chinese night was above average too. It really IS improving.
Ting. On the soda guns now. No more bottles (sigh). Bar service overall improved. New drink-- The "Chris Kiss". (Scumba named it for Chris because she kept ordering it; smoother than the regular "Chris Piss" (pineapple, grapefruit, rum) that she normally drinks) Basically – Rum Crme liquor topped with Club Soda…yummy !!! Grilled red snapper with jerked sauteed vegetables at the beach grill was FANTASTIC every night. Between chicken and snapper – a sell-out early every evening.
A shaving cream swimsuit parade to Sandals of 21 of us helped enliven an otherwise quiet beach. Lots of people preferred just to chill rather than play and look for trouble. (A shame.) Chris didn’t teach aqua-aerobics (no fat asses loudly beckoned) because entertainment coordinator Dionne taught the class in the nude pool on M-W-F mornings. Chris never made it to the beach early enough to participate even. Sleep is her friend.
Fish Feeding: Go down to the concrete pier after dinner with some extra bread. Those little fellas sure do love bread. The trumpet fish are pretty to watch. They’re long, thin and almost translucent blue in color. Keep your toes out of the water. They’ll nip ya.
Observations:
Smoke in Veronica’s was not as bad this trip. There are 3 smoke eaters in the piano bar and they can’t keep up with it some nights. Hint hint ??
PJ Night in the main dining room was preferred by many repeat guest. Many felt having it in the disco would keep the Vinnies, Wallys and other textile-wearers OUT – WRONG!! The one PJ night they (the staff) said the disco was OFF LIMITS to non-participants until 1 a.m. That lasted till 11:30. Vinnie flashbulbs everywhere. There’s just no winning. BTW – Doug taught CPR in the disco one afternoon. It stinks like HELL – like an unflushed toilet (even after a good cleaning).
Not every room has a digital clock. We were lucky. Call the front desk if you need one.
Panhandling by staff. Sadly, many staffers openly ASKED for gratuities without prompting.
Sundry shop stock is improving with over-the-counter medical supplies and other stuff. six-packs of Corona and other beer is available. A bottle of #4 Coppertone is $4.
New T-shirts! The T-shirt shop now has Veronica’s Piano Bar shirts embroidered with a new logo. There are new T’s and tanks for PJ Night at Hedonism II with a stylish art rendering of a bondage couple. Other styles are available.
Postcard spotted in gift shop: Woman squatting on a rock by the ocean peeing into the air. Caption: Total Bliss ! (Or was it total Chris ?!) (Hedo Henry had sent one to Chris after his NYE trip because it reminded him of her—not the gal—just her predilections).
TV room – Nary a soul except for Monday night. It seemed EVERYONE watched Ally McBeal. Except Chris, who held up the bar.
Anna Isaacs (now Grant) is due with twins in June. She’s the size of Kingston already and barely fitting behind the bar at Delroy’s. All you soon-come visitors: bring baby clothes, if you like, for a nice gift.
The Bubbly Bares donated a new carved wood sign to go under the Robert’s McMon Grill sign. The new sign is underneath and says "Over One Million Served".
Body painting happened practically every other day. Dirty Joke contests around the nude pool are growing in popularity. So was Nude Volleyball.
Use caution walking across the common lawns at night barefoot. Wrapping your toes around a recessed lawn sprinkler hurts like $&@*!&!& !!!!!
The water pressure "man" was on property to make the final adjustments to the water problems once and for all. Water pressure still uneven, but no temp fluctuations in room 2145.
New air conditioners are ALMOST ORDERED for all rooms. Typical vendor problems.
All the single gals Chris met down there got lucky….very lucky! Ah, lust! Chris highly recommends that single gals go to Hedo to have their pick of the huge crop.
The beach shower cord is missing and the on-off valve is up high, so short people need to shower with tall people to turn the water on-off. The shower was often used as a pee-pee toilet because it is closer than the toilets.
Cats are returning to the property. We like them but the staff doesn’t. They are apparently taking them over to Booby Cay island by boat and leaving them there. Sad.
Champagne and orange juice is still available every afternoon in the lobby for newly arriving guests (or knowledgeable luncheon diners who snitch it).
Super Clubs has a discount coupon/Jamaica guidebook available at the front desk. There are discount coupons for TimAir, Xtabi, even the gift shop at Hedo (spend $50 US and get a FREE Hedo t-shirt) among others. Ask for a copy. Men of Hedo calendars are available at the front desk too. Ask for those too. They’re free.
Spring Break. Lots of attitudes. Screaming, complaining, banging fists on the bars and generally copping arrogance. But could’ve been worse. Made for good amusement for the most part. At Delroy’s old bar guests the week before we arrived had made cartoon signs with no clothes logo, and "Show us your PP" on cardboard mounted with rope to a lounge chair put on its side. Worked for some boys who actually did turn around because of the sign. We were forced to intimidate some of the others.
The Bubbly Bares had their daily games (water balloon slingshot at a target of a naked bum; a penis-shaped pinata filled with candy and condoms, (Chris blew up a couple on her head, of course, and one mighty red one just wouldn’t break and got higher and higher till finally!….guess that’s the model to use!)
Lots of use of the term for first-time nudies: COTTONTAILS !
They were really hysterical because they were seen in large groups milling about.
Bonfires are BACK at beach party…just like in the brochure – YEAAA !!!
Bubbly Bares were in mass attendance. The Hedo staff threw a Sweet 16 Party for them in the disco during their stay. Their champagne party killed over 50 bottles of bubbly and the live music of their mainstay band – Fat Cat – had the beach jumping. Hedo even commissioned a special Bubbly Bare T—shirt just for the occasion.
A sponsored water balloon slingshot target shoot at a fixed target at the swim ropes came to an abrupt halt after some over zealous participants hit the catamaran as it was docking. The errant balloon hit an unfortunate man in the ’nads causing a major outbreak of anger and yelling. After a 1-hour meeting in the front office by those involved, handshakes were exchanged, the slingshot confiscated and life went on. The gals on the nude beach had formulated a lick-and-make-it better plan in case the culprits had went to Hedo jail.
Rain ? Only for an hour at 9 PM on Tuesday night. Sunny and breezy most days.
Go to the Petro-Con gas station by the GNAT. It’s just like our mini-mart gas places here except you have patties under the heat lamps, not burgers or nachos, and Donette’s homemade baked goods. The place is beautiful with a shiny floor. Where else can you get a bag of Doritos next to a rack of steel-belted radial tires? Fountain soda and BBQ Chips next to a car battery display? They tried to get Doug to pay $5 US for a Red Stripe. Doug told them he didn’t pay 5 bucks for a beer ANYWHERE – even with titties shaking in his face (well he didn’t say THAT exactly…but you get the drift.)
The floor shows are now preceded by an announcement that videotaping is NOT permitted due to Jamaican Entertainment Copyright Law. Be warned….
BeenieMan and Third World were in concert in Negril while we were there on the same bill.
The new "Frozen T Shirt Game" is neat too. Take several t-shirts, soak them in water, fold them up nicely after you wring out the water and place in the freezer in zip-lock baggies. Couples then attempt to defrost their t-shirts without the use of water or other agents. Creativity in thawing out the shirt is key. First team to get the shirt onto one of the members WINS !! This was introduced by two of the Bubbly Bears and you could see the coordinators envying it.
Tim Air shuttle van between TimAir and main terminal was vehicular suicide as we raced through the lots. Chris bounced all over the inside of the vehicle from side to side. I tell her that’s how I feel when SHE drives (hee hee).
The coveted run crme can be purchased at the airport for $11 US a bottle at the duty free shop.
Until next time…..