The Second Timers Perspective 4/24/99 – 5/1/99

We did our first trip to Hedo during the same week of April last year. We had gone to the travel agent, and said we want all inclusive, all adult, and in Negril. Past that, we were shopping price. Hedo was the cheapest, so off we went. Our travel agent had "warned" us about Hedo, but we figured we would just hang at the prude area. Little did we know…

We started planning this trip on the third day of our trip last year, while sitting in the hottub. And to be honest, we were a little worried that our second trip wouldn’t be as good as our first. Again, little did we know… So I submit this trip report from the 2^nd timers perspective. What we did differently. What we did the same. Not necessarily a play by play account of the trip. Just the memories from the second time around.

The Preparation

Last year we came home with a ton of unworn cloths, and the first inklings of a "list of things to remember" for the next trip. No way were we going to be taking the same amount of baggage on the second trip that we did the first. So we set up a list of things to remember, and worked on it on and off for most of the year. And then we packed, and found we had just as much luggage as before. And it was actually heavier, as we had rafts tucked in there. Oh well. We’ll perfect it next year, and I’m reasonably sure we’ll be taking less stuff, although Bev will be taking more sexy dresses for dinner.

Hell Week

Having started planning our trip a year before, to say we were looking forward to this trip would be a serious understatement. Like all good Hedonites, we had started our countdown from 100 days (with 2 feet of snow on the ground on day 100). You break 50, then 25, and before you know it, you are telling yourself "a week from right the hell now, I’ll be naked!" Right??? We all do that now don’t we?

So imagine on the Monday before you leave that Saturday, you do a quick check of Denny’s message board, and there is an innocuous thread about some civil unrest in Jamaica. One hour and about a half dozen new sites later, I’m in a mild panic. Over the next two days, I was checking 4 different message boards, different news sites, and trading emails with other end of April attendees, and by Wednesday night, it was looking pretty bad. Between babysitters, work, and other summer plans, we were not sure when we would be able to return.

Then that glorious Thursday, when the news of PJ’s "committee" came out, and everything was "no problem mon! Come on down". We saw no evidence of the riots while there. But on I believe Wednesday, there was a very large fire in Negril, and it was putting out a lot of smoke. Several of us wondered if the riots had started, and no one told us. Well, we had our room and there was plenty of booze, so I figured as long as a gang of locals didn’t come charging through the lobby with clubs, then I wasn’t going to worry about it. Hope next year goes better, week before wise, that is.

The Food and Drink-The Good and the Bad

I guess we have to take the good with the bad. The good would be the drink. It seemed to us that there were more liquors available this year than last. Several different flavors of rum cream. I finally managed to run Veronica’s out of Bailey’s one night, and that made me feel good. Also, it seemed easier to get a drink at ALL the bars, and they were mixed with greater consistency. Hell, you could even get a drink in the disco on PJ night without much of a wait.

The bad, which was one of our few disappointments with the trip, was the food. Now Robert’s grill was great. But the buffet at the main building was a real let down. We always managed to find some good stuff on the salad bar, but with few exceptions, main entrees and sides were average at best, at least compared to last year. I was particularly disappointed in the Saltfish and Ackee. We did Pastafari’s Wednesday night. I can’t really pass judgement on the food. I do remember the service as being excellent, but unfortunately we were not very hungry, and more than slightly drunk when we showed up. We’ll do better next year.

Love is In the Air

Last year, the sex police were quite active. This year, they didn’t exist. Couples going at it in the hottub, and what little security was around turned the other way. Late one night, we were getting ready to leave the hottub, and I almost stepped back on a pile of about 4 or 5 people with various parts of the anatomy attached. We watched for a couple minutes, then headed back to the room. We saw less PDA during the day, but a bunch more at night. Walking the beach at night was one "excuse us" after another. At times, it was difficult finding a place to do our own PDA. And with a full moon (really, no pun), all could see. Isn’t Hedo great!

ButtCracks Galore

The week before we left, we saw several postings on DennyP’s message board about the ButtCrack Tours, and how they were making some folks mad when they harassed people wearing cloths on the nude beach. Oh well. We met Cliff and Becky from ButtCrack tours on the plane down from Charlotte, and then shared the TimAir flight to Negril with them. They sort of took us under their wing, and we ended up spending a majority of the week with this group. While we are not members of the group, what a great bunch of folks. A lot of horseplay and grab ass, and the socializing late afternoon in the hottub was one of the highlights of the day. As far as people getting mad when they rattled their rattles at them for wearing cloths, big deal. No more annoying than the Sandals boats with their videos and wide eyed honeymooners. Or the prudes who came walking through just so they could tell all their friends how they lived it up at Hedo.

One day we were sitting down at the edge of the water, and a couple from Sandals had walked down to partake of the nude beach. They had on their cloths, and naturally, the Buttcrackers rattled at them. We didn’t sit with the Buttcrackers during the day, as we like to hang out at the edge of the water. Anyway, the couple no more than got in the water and stripped, than security started harassing them that they couldn’t swim there. We told them they could swim anywhere they wanted to, but by then, they were a little uneasy about the entire security thing (it was his first time nude, and about the time he pulled’m down, was exactly when security showed up). We talked to them for a while once we had run security off, and I explained to her why the ButtCrackers were rattling their rattles at them. I also told her what to do on the return past the ButtCrack crowd. So sure enough, they started walking back to Sandals, and the rattles came out, so she flashed them her tits, the ButtCrackers all applauded, and I bet next time, that couple comes to Hedo vs Sandals.

Did the Buttcrackers get a little carried away with trying to get everyone out of their cloths? No doubt some thought so, but if that is all someone had to get irritated about during their visit, I’d say they had a pretty good vacation.

The Island

Last year we skipped the Island picnic, and did the same thing again this year. I just didn’t want to run the risk of getting plastered that early in the day, and losing an evening. What we did do was snatch a kayak, and go out there just to look around. Sunday morning, we set off about 10:00 am. We were the only ones on the island, with the exception of about a dozen of the skinniest cats you have ever seen. So we strip off our cloths, and just hang around in the water. A little while later a couple from Sandals comes over. They were from somewhere in Europe, and the look on her face was priceless when I stood up out of the water au natural. I couldn’t place their accent, but I was fairly sure she had never seen an American willie. They didn’t realize we were buffed out.

15 minutes later, here comes four or five boats loaded with locals. They swarmed us! Buy this. Buy that. Hairbraiding. Jewelry. Red Stripe. Food. Ganja. Coke. Hash. They had it all, and pester pester pester. We did enjoy going out there, and even went back that Friday, but either go early, or be ready to be hounded.

Does the sun actually set in Jamaica?

Yes, it sounds strange, but Bev and I have never seen a sunset on the ocean. We were in San Francisco a few years ago, but only saw it set behind the fog. We had originally chosen Negril as it was on the west coast, and figured we would see the sunset. Last year, it rained each day at sunset, so we never got to see it. Plus, in April, Booby Cay sort of blocks out the sunset. So we made the decision we would walk down the beach at the first opportunity and catch our first one.

Monday night was perfect for it. We get to the gate on the beach that separates Hedo from Sandals. The guard let us through, we were told to stay on the beach, and that was that. We had to walk to the other end of Sandals, but finally, at long last, we were in the perfect position to catch a beauty. Then, minutes before it is to set, clouds block the horizon, and we miss it. Thinking we’d have better luck the next day, we start walking back. Did you realize the gate going into Hedo from the beach is locked at 6:00pm? They sure didn’t tell us that. So there we stand, stranded at Sandals. I yelled a couple times, and finally here comes a guard. We talked her into letting us back in, but after two trips to Jamaica, and one to the US west coast, I’ve still not seen my first sunset.

The Hedo Events-PJ, Toga, and even FIRE!

Either Sunday or Monday night (can’t remember as had been drinking some…), they had a fire eater in the main building for the evening show. WOW! This guy is rubbing fire all over his body, and even on his tongue. Does the Gene Simmons thing and shoots fire from his mouth. At one point I thought Cliff was going to throw a glass of water on him. Then this fire eater actually pulls whatever it is burning on these sticks off, piece by piece, and eats it. Too bizarre. But the kicker was when he contorts himself into all these positions on the floor. At one point he’s running around the floor and looks like a crab. Weird, at the very least. And let me tell you, when this guy stared at you, it made you feel like a mouse in a cat fight. The guy could outstare Eddie, the dog on Frazier.

Tuesday night PJ party. As I mentioned earlier, it was way easier to get a drink, but part of that might have been because it was hotter than forty hells in the bar area. Someone mentioned the AC was broken in the bar. However, the disco was fairly comfortable, given the number of people in there. We had shopped at our local "sluts r us" store, and ended up winning 3^rd best couple. Considering that neither of us had on anything opaque, it’s little wonder. "Skin to win", and we did. Our prize was $10,000 Hedo bucks (worth one keychain). I told a ten second joke at the Dirty Joke contest, and got $20,000. Go figure.

Toga/Guest Talent night was about the same as last year, with one major exception. I played in a band for 12 years, and we used to have fun rewriting words to popular songs, and seeing if the crowd would notice. So I rewrote the words to Signs (originally by the Five Man Electrical band, I think, but remade a few years ago by Tesla) and my new version was a bit of a taunt on the prudes. I play guitar, but am left handed. Unfortunately, the left handed guitarist that is sometimes there was not, so I showed up a 3pm to rehearse with the band. I figured "hey, they’re a house band, so if they don’t know it, they should be able to pick it up easily enough". WRONG! For 45 minutes I stood up there trying to teach them this song, it is stinking hot on the stage, and the only feedback I get from them is "with a reggae beat, mon?" So I finally give up and tell Marc (show coordinator) that I’ll pass. At this point, Bev, who really wanted me to do the song, talks me into a really BAD decision. "Hey Dave, just get up there and sing it without backup". Well hell, it sounded like a good enough idea at the time.

No more than 30 minutes later, I’m questioning why I thought that was a good idea. I just knew it was gonna suck. So that night, I meet "T" from Asheville, and he is a drummer. I had done backup vocals for another one of the guests on her song (Jeannie and the Vultures), and Tom had played drums. Tom says he will get up and play the drums while I sing, and I’m figuring I’d rather have company while I make an ass out of myself, so I welcome his participation. So, I am like the 8^th performance into this, and people are only paying moderate attention to anyone. So I get up there, Tom does a little drum intro, and I start to sing. I was no more than one line into the song, when everyone realizes what I’ve done, and that I’m taking a good natured stab at the prudes. I don’t think there was a person in the place that wasn’t laughing at the lyrics. Thought it was going to be a flop, but turned out pretty well. One of the original members of Biff’s Bunch came up and asked if they could have the words to the song to post on their web site. Again, I glowed with pride, and gladly handed them over. Friday was our last full day there, and I must have had 20 people make comments to me that they loved the song. We were in a kayak, and some people in another boat passed us, and I could hear them saying to each other "he’s the one who did that song last night". Too cool.

Bev and I are already talking about what song I’ll rewrite for next year. But whatever it is, I’ll sure have the sheet music to it.

Regrets

We were going to record an entire tape of treefrogs. Totally forgot.

We were going to get our photo taken au natural in front of the "Nude Beach-No Photography allowed" sign. Next year for sure.

Had planned on waiting out the omelet line one morning. Only made it to two breakfasts’, and didn’t want to wait. Probably won’t next year either, but will at least think about it.

Was going to at least put my foot in the prude pool, just to say I had been in it. Didn’t do it. Was afraid I’d pull my foot out and there would be a sock on it.

Was going to pour a beer over the head of the really creepy wally (grabber, actually) that night in the hottub. He moved from couple to couple, and finally sat in front of the couple from Paris and started to stroke himself while staring at her tits (she spoke virtually no English, and he only a little). Bev stopped me from pouring, but I did have fun standing behind him making faces and the "crazy" sign to the French couple to try and put them at ease till he left. The "ugly American" in it’s purest form. Security finally ran him off. Next year if it happens, I’ll run for some ice water. The beer sure wasn’t cold enough.

And speaking of the French couple, that girl could have won an award for burnt feet. Wow!

And lastly, I am NOT going to stub my toe on that small step in front of the beer tapper at the hottub. Did it twice that first night, and it was no better the second time than the first.

DennyP ties it together for many

First day there, I walk up to Delroy and say "Delroy, Denny says hey". Delroy’s face lights up like a Christmas tree. "Maximum respect to Denny" he says several times. Then during the week, each and every day we were meeting people who we had traded emails with from the visitors board. Entirely too many to mention here, but one need look no further than the visitors schedule. We had traded emails with so many people, just no way to remember everyone’s name. Fact is, some of the names that stood out in our memory were when people referenced their message board name. I met Fran and Bob, and said nice to meet you. But when I realized I was speaking with Dammit Janet, it all came together, and we immediately broke into a chorus of "Let’s do the Time Warp Again". CindyB, billandjoyce, and the list goes on.