Hedonism Trip Report
The Sea Slug Does Nude Week III
By
Hedoman
Day 1: Friday May 8th
Well, Hedoman and LadyLynn (LL) didn’t get much sleep last night as the excitement and anticipation of our return to "home" was foremost in our minds. Sure enough 6 am came and it was on the way to Philadelphia International and our awaiting Love Bird, Air Jamaica. Checked in quick and headed to the first class lounge to start off the vacation with the obligatory bloody Mary. Well let's say 2 wasn't enough and 4 would have been too many as they '‘poured" Hedoman onto the waiting plane. Hmmmm…something different here. It’s a 727-200 versus our standard wide-body A-320. Damn! First class is comfy tho…..I find out later that there is no movie, no music and not hot food or beverages as they had stripped the plane of it’s galley. DAMN again! Cold turkey and cheese sandwich for breakfast. Damn! But we made it to Mobay on time and, with just carry on, we breezed through immigration and customs. Was proud of LL as she only needed a carry on and this only being her second trip. Her first, last October, found her sick for most of it with pneumonia. We found the kiosk with Air Negril, as the Timair guy was trying to crowd him out, and in a moment we were whisked away to the far side to check in with them. Oh the stories they can tell you!! Apparently my plane was on it’s way from Negril, then it was delayed in Negril waiting on passengers and then they finally put me on a Timair plane and I got there. They actually told a friend of mine that the delay was due to air traffic control congestion over Negril airport!!! I had checked and for both carriers it is $60US PP each way no matter what. Well we got there with this other couple and their 6 huge bags. I asked the guy, Bill, if they were going to Lido and he said "no, Hedonism". Damn! All that luggage to Hedo?? (we saw them many times during the week and she had a new outfit and shoes to match every three hours). They had to balance the plane for weight. With a 25 knot tailwind we got there PDQ. Check in was a snap, first person to call my name was Carol whom I had met at a realty office months back as she recognized me from last May. How’s that for trying to make an impression when looking at a million dollar horse farm? She and husband Ed soon became cool friends…"small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it". I got room 2175!!!!! JAMAICA JIM’S HONEYMOON SUITE AND TOGA TYING EMPORIUM!!!. Man I just about fainted when they told me that but thanks goes out to Go Classy Tours, especially A J Hutchinson – owner, who greased the skids for this fabulous room. I had reminded them that the "oceanview – au natural" rooms I had before had a nice view of the back of the dive shack. But JJJ’s favorite suite??? Damn! The room wasn’t ready yet but Michael took our bags down anyway and Bunny saw to it that he went back to get our keys as Janet was just about finished making up the room. So off to Delroy’s and the overwhelming "Chris, Chris Chris is in the house!!! Delroy, Scumba, Michelle and Robert came out for high fives, fist to fists and hugs for LadyLynn. Off with the "textiles" and the vestiges of the world we left behind to settle in for a cool dip in the bay and pool.
Biff’s Bunch was winding down from an excellent week with a huge gathering. I recognized many of them and exchanged greetings. They looked like they had a really good week as they always do and was glad to see them before they left. I had just about sunk into the "island rhythm" when I was shaken up by a confrontation at Delroy’s. I witnessed 2 "kids" a.k.a. "vinnies" having words up at the pool. They were the stereotypical "gawkers. Lurker-loos, bozos et al". Apparently they had settled into the pool dressed out like a holiday turkey for the allotted period of time until they were "asked" to join the nude side by obliging the "nude" dress code. I read a trip report that went into more detail about how they got abusive and crude. I saw them being "escorted" off the beach by two rather "large" Biff’s Bunchers"…Way to go guys!!! A few minutes later they came back with 2 guards and again were summarily escorted off the good side! NUDES RULE…PRUDES DROOL! Later Cheddy Parchment, the new manager taking Joe Smith’s job, came down and went off in search of the "offenders". They were never seen again. More on Cheddy later as he really is a great asset to Hedo, a great and wise man for the short time he has been there. So not an hour on the beach and already 2 altercations. OK time to settle in with some old friends and new when "WHAMMO" reality bite number two. Looking for an old Biff’s friend, Chris the Philly cop, I find out he died as a result of injuries from a car crash in his patrol car. DAMN! OK so the rest of the afternoon was spent melting into the rhythm of Hedo, Linked up with PQTest (Rich) and went to dinner which was very good, said hello to Ray and Teddy, surprised Veronica and SueJean at the piano bar and headed to bed exhausted from the day with the sounds of the Beach party going full blast.
Day 2: Saturday
Woke about sunrise and went out to stake our claim on the beach and await the morning "boost" of thick hot Java. Not a cloud in the sky and it promised to be a perfect day. Actually it would prove to be rare to see a cloud over the next nine days. Perfect day for the mass exodus of Biff’s Bunch, hugs, tears and promises of next year. Sat up by Delroy’s just outside the room all day enjoying the comings and goings of departing and arriving Hedonites. Had the suntan lotion numbers on but still got cooked! Would end up spending the next week seeking cool shade in between doses of full spectrum sunlight. Delroy’s mixology and Robert’s "chillin’ and grillin’ made for a perfect day. Met Bill and Vivian from last October and ended up spending the week sharing the sand with them. (Vivian gets up earlier than I so she’d have our chairs all arranged each morning..DAMN What a gal!!!!!!). I recognized MOMfive0 and Carl and soon the AOL crowd had amassed. MOM50 a.k.a. Diane, would soon prove to be the cheerleader of the group until she sacrificed her voice to the cause. I told her NOT to drink the hot tub water but hey….Now about the beach. They have so many new chairs on the beach it’s hard to get to the water!!! New lounges with a stretch covering on them are mighty comfy even if you put a neoprene or bean bag cover on them. Now that became my little slice of heaven. Hot tub police? YOU BETCHA!!! That night I was whispering into LadyLynn’s ear and out of nowhere two HTPs appeared. Kinda put a squelch on activities until after 1 am, the negotiated time to let things loose. Never made it that late so hopefully the others in the AOL crew can report on it. During the day I didn’t witness any harassment as activities were discreet and I missed those that weren’t. Pqtest, LadyLynn and I went up to have drinks with Delete when she got off work. She has been promoted to the tours desk and is doing a fabulous job. Diva is now the Travel Agent liaison which is a fine job for her. Anyway, Delete misses the piano bar but likes her job very much and wishes to say hi to all of her friends here in cyberland. The food was superb Saturday night but the entertainment was a little off key so it was off to Veronica’s. DAMN was it hot and the air-conditioning was much appreciated. Down to the hot tub for a soaking and some conversation. Some of it revolved around how the changes HAD to be a result of Christinko’s book " The Naked Truth about Hedonism II". I just replied "Bullsh&t" and avoided any more conversation like that.
Day 3: Sunday
Average Ages: 40 for the Nude side
25 for the prude side
Average temperatures:
88 during the day
70 during the night
Sexcapades? On an average of 1 (least) to 10 (most)
3
( I have seen a 9)
Another perfect morning. DAMN! Hot, no breeze at 7 am. Nude Week III is starting with Ray and Pat, from Go Classy Tours, at the helm. Breakfast and Bloody Mary’s on the beach. Now this is the way this sea slug likes to start the day! DAMN! Ray and Pat would prove to be the consummate hosts for the rest of the week and our sincerest thanks goes to them for making it a great week. A little more subdued than my week at the inaugural Nude Week but fun for all. Bill, Vivian, Lynn and I settled into our daily ritual which would become our theme for the week. DAMN! Let’s see how LITTLE we can do. Set up under the tree, not far from Delroy’s on the water’s edge. Beach, pool, beach, pool with a stop at Delroy’s in between became the norm. Meeting new people like youflirt, delectabl1, Iriemon2u, and others. I like being around them as they were a great escape from the "chatty cathys" down on the beach. We had to put a stick next to Bill to see if he moved. DAMN! Now there was a slug to be admired, a real hero of mine and mentor for the week. The talkative people were starting to get to this sea slug as it was becoming difficult to talk let alone listen so it was off to the pool for escape. Whoops! DAMN! The pool was wall to wall nekkid bodies! DAMN! Found shade and coolness in the misting pool as Lynn and I lay there letting it "rain" on us. No Viagra needed this week! DAMN! George Thomas Musgrave III, a very near and dear Hedonite and friend was still here and DAMN! If he didn’t arrive at 9:05 in the morning. Now GMT3 usually rises at about the crack of "noon" as he has been known to close the Disco most days. Hell I thought it was lunch time already. Dear George just wanted to participate in Nude Week III, sleep would come later. He can sleep through a tornado and can sleep on the beach God bless Him!!! He is the most admired man on the beach and knows everybody which consistently impressed my LadyLynn to no end. That’s the Hedo way! DAMN! So the rest of the day was spent like the preceding days and those to follow. Beach, pool, beach…well you get the idea. FLOATS: There were plenty of "Orphans" needing adoption but elected to have my canvass covered double wide blown up anyway. I tend to slip and slide off the plastic ones in whatever state of flux I’m in. I marked "Hedoman and LadyLynn AND AOL in each corner on both sides to hopefully avoid an "early" adoption of my craft but to no avail. Do you know how many people can’t read at Hedo? DAMN! Each time I had to "rescue" my floating love machine I’d get the silliest excuses that they didn’t "see" any names on it. Hell you’d get a black butt from all the marker rubbing off! One idiot accused Lynn of lying about ownership as "anybody can put a name on a raft" DAMN! Now Jerk chicken at 6 became a routine not to be missed. Indiana, the cutest and most sociable replacement for Omar, made THE best jerk chicken and fish ever! Dinner was good but missed the show as the heat was getting to me so off to Veronica’s for cool air-conditioning.
Day 4 Monday
The days are starting to bleed together. Met new folks as word was out that "yes Virginia there IS a Hedoman!" DAMN! Diane and Carl, Steve and Barbara, Dave and Glo and new arrivals Dub and Sandy (IrieMon2U). Now they were cool people! Some first timers for me to witness their amazement and live vicariously through their excitement remembering my first time 11 trips ago. Ray and Pat, Go Classy Tours, Nude Week III sponsors, were working their butts off tending to all and organizing "low impact" activities. Still as hard as he tried, God bless his soul, Ray could NOT get me to stir! DAMN! I was rapidly approaching pure slug-hood in the shadow of my Mentor, Bill! The downward spiraling into a massive case of beach brain was smooth and comfortable. No clouds, pure sunshine but finally some breeze! LadyLynn was becoming a "junkie" on purple rains to the point that Scumba and Delroy wouldn’t ask they would hand her one on arrival at the bar..no matter how crowded they were. DAMN! Those guys are good! Me? Slug-hood has a price and found this sand flea sucking down massive quantities of "Ting" in the afternoons until it was time to do Bamboo shots to Delroy’s amusement to end the day. I do love that Ting, a grapefruit soda similar to fresca but better. Dinner was excellent and "Elvis" stopped in between shifts at the 7-11 somewhere in Minnesota to do a show. VERY good and impressive for a non-Elvis fan. DAMN! Kareoke was good at Veronica’s with the exception of one guy singing "you’ve lost that loving feeling" DAMN! He lost it! The windows and glass were promptly repaired. Actually some really good talent.
Day 5 Tuesday
Somebody has Xeroxed the days as they are all rolling into one. Need shade bad. Bloody’s on the beach at 8 am. I noticed a larger than normal contingent of YOUNG girls on the nude side. I suspected they were escaping the "vinnies" on the prude side. Not too many "assaults" from the textile wearing gawkers but did notice the guy/ girl ratio of about 5:1 down from the average 8:1. Oh yes the Vinnie to Wally ratio stood at 6:1! DAMN! Ahhhh it had to happen sooner or later..Hedoman was about to be shaken from his zombie like almost comatose state of sand filled and rum soaked mental state. Yes it was LadyLynn to the rescue! She, single handedly broke up a secret Israeli Paparazzi ring. These two "vinnies" came down and proceeded to attempt to take pictures of themselves. Well yours truly along with his lovely lady were lazily floating in the background when I, rather sternly, announced that NO pictures are to be taken with us in the background. They heeded my command until that afternoon when they went out into the water and I noticed them taking pictures towards us again!!! Well Lynn gets the guard and a minor "event" took place. They claimed it was OK because they were from Israel! Bull-droppings, it was NOT OK and I demanded the film!! The guards took the film to be processed and all pictures with no nekkid people in the background would be released to them. I commend the guards on a very tactful resolution. These were the same guys who claimed "anybody can write their name on a raft" as they tried to abscond with ours with Lynn sitting on it!! You can understand that these "vinnie-stiens" were not Lynn’s favorite people at this point. Hell Lynn has relations in Israel! DAMN! Jerry and Jane arrived and news of the outside world was related to us. Dinner (shrimp night as there is a moratorium on lobster April, May and June) was fantastic!! Didn’t do PJ night as I had asked Go Classy to request it to be held in the dining room as the resort is sold out. The answer was no due to Hedo not being able to control photography and the threat of pictures showing up on the Internet. HUH? DAMN! I see them there anyway with or without permission. It’s just too damn hot, smoky and loud so skipped the event. I heard it was OK but tame. Hedonism!!! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE BLUE MOUNTAIN COFFEE!!! When the resort is sold out like at Halloween and New Year’s take a hint that PJ is going to be uncomfortable!!!! DAMN! Not too many at Kareoke tonight.
Day 6 Wednesday
Days are hard to distinguish now…really "slugging" it out. Bill, "super slug of the first order" needs all his energy to move his cigarette from one hand to the other to give it to Lynn to light hers. DAMN! I thought he might have torn something from all that activity! He soon becomes the hero of the beach. Vinnie attacks on the nude side have subsided greatly and Stafford has his spiel together and they soon leave. Way to go Stafford! Pool is crowded, Nude Week activities continue, Ray and Pat are doing everything they can to get people involved. He knows by now NOT to even think about trying to get Hedoman to stir!!! Water balloonists are here and shooting up a storm. Got the pharmacy boat dead on the "stash" pile as the boat’s owner was trying to "make a deal". I did flag one down and ask if he had drugs for sale. The conversation went something like this: me "ya mon! ya got anything for me mon?" he says " YA MON…I have every-ting mon" I said " GREAT cos’ I need some more Viagra!" The guy looks at me and frowns "Oh no mon" and that was about it.
WATER PRESSURE: They are in the process of fixing it…yeah yeah yadda yadda yadda. 2175 had perfect pressure and hot water most of the time.
RETURNEES PARTY: Yadda yadda yadda. Now past winners are eligible for another free week if the total net weeks since their win is more than others. NOW I WILL NEVER HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN. It may just sway my mind NOT to return to Hedo. I am pissed! Why can’t they give them 3 nights???
Day 7 Thursday – Getting short now
Stumbling out at daybreak to waiting chairs (arranged by Vivian, wife of "super-slug1") by habit now. This is the BEST time of the day as it’s quiet, peaceful and calm. Jerry and Jane and Cliff and Patty are there and coffee soon comes. The week’s crowd are late risers so the peace lasts for 3 hours. Diane AND Carl have now BOTH lost their voices. I told them about the hot tub water but if you mix that with the unbridled fun they were having…well folks that’s Hedonism for ya! DAMN! Tilley hat getting a workout in the heat of the day! Looking around I can’t find my beach sweeping buddy Augustus Paltie. Man, does he keep the beach spotless! Unusual for him to get 3 days off let alone 1. Hmmm Hedoman is curious and asks about him. Nobody knows anything and by now I’m worried. Time for a mission!!! I finally find out that he has been accused of "holding some herb" which, translated, means selling. DAMN! In all my trips he NEVER approached me! If he was doing that I would know!!! I am pissed! He was set up by the prude sweeper who either wanted his job on the "nekkid" side or it was payback because Augustus WOULDN’T sell for him. Whatever the case I swore to all that Hedoman would get to the bottom of this. Later I met with Cheddy Parchment and before I even named Augustus he knew why I was there. Seems Cheddy knows how hard he works and is perplexed by the whole situation. I vehemently spoke in defense of Augustus and promised 1,000 signatures attesting that he never approached anybody to sell illegal substances. Further I told Cheddy I wanted to see Augustus on the beach before I left. Well, Cheddy is a fine administrator and even a better human being. The next day I found Augustus back on the job and emotionally thanking me and all who vouched for him. DAMN! Justice served and the innocent vindicated. All he did was bring me, from his garden, some sugar cane to sample and for an English Couple, Dave and Tina, some breadfruit when he learned they like it. This man takes 3 busses and 1 hours to get "home". Now if they want to "fire" somebody how about pointing the gun at "Aldildio" or whatever his name was, after verbally abusing me in front of my friends because I wouldn’t play "twister" DAMN! I was, after all, eating lunch at the time. Man did he piss me off and shock ran though the small gathering accompanying me at the time. If I hear one more "VOOOOOOLLLLLLY BAAAAAALLLLL" I’m going to heave. Anyway, after talking to Cheddy we decided to go into Negril to the Pickled Parrot. A very nice place to watch the sunset. Better than Rick’s as it’s more rustic and real Jamaican. The shuttle was free (Delete called for us). We saw the most PERFECT sunset, way better than any from previous trips. Had trouble finding the shuttle home but made it anyway. Viv and Lynn went shopping and Bill – Super-Slug1 and I enjoyed our Heinekens.
Made it back as toga night was in full swing. We were not left with any sheets so decided NOT to fuss with togas…big disappointment to the crowd let me tell you! DAMN! The talent from the guests was so awesome that the Hedo staff only did the opening number and Paulie, the bar manager, didn’t even sing!!! Really good show. No videotaping is allowed anymore at any event. DAMN!
Day 8 Friday DAMN!
Last full day. Jerry and I did the 18’ Catamaran as the one thing I do is do something NEW on each trip. Way cool ride in the 18 knot breezes. Tried to do some shopping to no avail. Lynn and Vivian made their way down the beach in search of treasure. Same day, no clouds, NO effort made just ocean, pool, ocean, pool. Did notice that some folks NEVER venture out of the pool…hey "whatever"! Nothing to distract me from my semi-comatose state of mind. George is gone and Rich is leaving. Carrie (Delectibl1) is leaving too. She had a pretty good time for her first and it was a pleasure meeting her. Made reservations at Pastafari’s for the last night dinner. Man was it good! DAMN! But 2 hours?? My butt was sore from sitting. They figured we were yucking it up so much that they wouldn’t push us. I think you can get out of there in 1 hour if you tell them to hurry things along. Other than that they let you enjoy a leisurely dinner in the air-conditioning. Then it was off to Veronica’s where Viv and Lynn HAD to lose their daily dole in the slot machines. This was becoming a habit but Viv had won about $60 the night before and she was desperate to leave it all there. Her wish came true. Lynn would win it all back and then proceed to lose it all. Oh well…..
Day 9 Saturday: The Final Chapter
Early rising, out to the beach in the same routine I knew by heart. Didn’t have to leave the beach until 1:30 to get the Air Negril 2 pm flight. Last things done, last Ting, last purple rain etc. Didn’t take long to stuff dirty clothes in the bag and head on up the hill. Said goodbye to Delete, thanked Cheddy for the decision in Augustus’s favor, thanked Ray and Pat for a marvelous Go Classy Week and took one last look. Tony had our bags in a waiting cab to Negril Aerodrome (otherwise known as Greater Negril Air Terminal for GNAT airlines). Air Negril was waiting for us, loaded us up and 18 minutes later we were in Mobay. Through the first class line (1 person versus 50 in the regular lines) then up to the first class lounge. Did the obligatory coffee, booze shopping and waited to be led out to the loaded and waiting Love Bird. Yes sir! Same damn 727-200 with no galley for hot food so no hot meals, coffee or tea AGAIN! First class was worth not waiting in line and being the first one off but geez…..Now we are scheduled for an unscheduled stopover in Kingston!!! DAMN! Why? The air bottles running the emergency systems needed to be filled so off we went to Kingston. What a dump! Like Sangster before they modernized it! We had to de-plane with all belongings (NOT a good time to have a huge/heavy carry-on) and wait inside this dank hot terminal. 1 hour later it was back on the plane. After a cold snack this slug slept most of the way home. Air Jamaica is DEFINITELY off my list for air service out of Philly. I had heard a fellow say he was held up for 2 hours earlier in the week because of aircraft problems and on Monday it took a whole day for people to get from Philly to Mobay. That just about clinches it for Air Jamaybe.
Postscript:
This was perhaps the best week I have ever had as far as the room, weather and food. Even LadyLynn, a vegetarian by food allergies, loved the food she could eat and there was plenty of it. The people were great with the exception of the entertainment staff. Being verbally abused is one thing, being annoyed is another but when I was solicited by a male member of the staff at the pool it was quite the other. This little jerk in a thong rubbed his genitalia into my backside and whispered "hey let’s have a party, all three of us (looking at Lynn)". Now he can claim he was kidding but how may "takers" has he gotten? Add the new rule that repeat free week winners are eligible again and I was totally disgusted to the point that we have NO plans for ever returning. That’s life in the slow lane and I will miss Hedo very much but there MUST be another retreat somewhere. I hope I have not forgotten anybody and if I have I apologize, it is an oversight. You all were great to be with and remember: Never lose the Hedo spirit!
THANK YOU GO CLASSY TOURS, ANDREA, SAUNDRA AND A J. Get well soon Gennie ..we love you! Thanks Ray and Pat for working so hard this week, sorry I disappointed you with my lack of participation but I needed the rest.
Respect – Every time