Jamaica Jim’s Venereal Infernal VERNAL! Reunion

Hedonism II

May 1998

 My biggest complaint about most trip reports is that they read like a fifth grader’s mandatory 500 word essay, "What I did during my summer vacation". They go like this: Day One: Was hot, met John and Jane Doe, hung out on the beach, drank Purple Rains and Dirty Bananas, rained in the afternoon. Like no kidding Sherlock. To begin with your reader has no idea who John and Jane Doe are, nor do they really care. And guess what else, you’re in the tropics and it is usually hot and it does usually rain in that afternoons. Spare us, we just want the facts, what’s new, what’s changed, what’s improved and what was unusually bad or good. We don’t want to read five pages about the antics of John and Jane Doe, VUBS (Very Unimportant Beach Slugs). And BTW it’s not rain it’s liquid sunshine.

OK now I got that cleared up, so before the facts, if you want to read about the Reunion skip to almost the end. Now here’s the facts. This of course is from our point of view and comparisons are made from yearly May only visits. Other experiences may vary check with the manufacturer, whoops wait that was the vibrator instructions. Seriously though everyone has an opinion and yours may differ, but we do know of many folks we met who did feel the same this trip. Oh yeah our trip ran from May 20^th through May 30^th and we did have the pleasure of traveling down and back with Jamaica Jim.

General: There are drought conditions throughout Jamaica caused by El Nino. The usually lush tropical vegetation including the grass was dry and visually suffering. Someone said it hadn’t rained in Negril for 6 weeks before our arrival. The air conditioning at Mo Bay airport seemed to work much better than prior years. They’ve also finished some of the interior work on the terminal. The walk seemed much shorter and cooler, yeah! We noticed there are a lot more flights going into Negril airport, guess fewer visitors want to do the bus ride from hell.

Hedonism II General: Check in is at Mo Bay airport. If you’re taking the bus they have you fill in your paperwork there, then board the bus. If your taking TimAir as we did, then they hand you your paperwork to fill in on the plane, so you’re out even faster if you fly to Negril. Just make sure you tell the desk people in the airport before they grab your luggage and throw it on the bus. Once you arrive at the front desk they just hand you the keys to the room and away you go. The drought has also affected much of the resort’s vegetation, but it is still beautiful. The staff in general during this visit were more friendly and service much improved.

Rooms: New CD/radios were added to all rooms. The hair dryer, ironing board, shampoo, shower gel ,etc. are still present. Water pressure and temperature was the same either too low and/or too hot or cold. A promise was made at the returnees’ party that it was currently being worked on and was to be corrected by the end of the month. Yeah right! For the last couple of years they’ve said the same thing, "It’ll be fixed by…" What a crock of s..t. Even on Jamaica time it’s way past due, stop jerking our chain, we can live with the water situation much better than the BS they give us about when it will be corrected. Oh yeah they did not specify which month, or year.

Beach Area: We don’t usually go over to the prude side so these comments are only about the nude side (actually didn’t even touch the prude sand this trip). The beach was constantly being serviced. Used cups collected often and leaves, seaweed and general debris in the sand were always raked up. Unfortunately, it appears more sand has eroded away. Ice and cups were always available in the coolers at the soda machines on the nude beach (by the old beach bar and hot tub). This is a vast and much needed and appreciated improvement. In years past the coolers were often empty or the ice was melted and there were no cups.

Water: The little mini-bay area by the jetty did not seem to be filled with as much seaweed and yuck as last May. Unfortunately, we don’t know the staff member’s name who was cleaning seaweed, sea urchins, etc. out of the water, but he did a great job. We asked one staff member for his name and they couldn’t remember past, "the tall guy", oh yeah that’s helpful. He deserves applause though so if anyone goes down pass along the kind words to him and management. It was cleaner than we ever remembered. I was not as worried about stepping on something. Did not see many cups in the water either. Sea Urchin population is definitely down, don’t know why. Did see a lot more little jelly fish (scooped out 18 of ‘em in an hour one morning) than in past visits, know of at least one guest that got a pretty nasty sting from one. Field treatment for a sting is Vodka, you dab it on the sting, though I suppose drinking it wouldn’t hurt, but you’ll have to drink lots of it <G>. When in doubt just ask Delroy he’ll set you right up. Also noted a pleasant increase in the variety, quantity and size of the fish life, this has to be a good sign. Some years gone by there was almost no life it’s good to see it coming back. Pete the Pelican, err Penguin was up to his usual dive bombing tactics.

Television Room: One of the shops was converted to a television viewing room. Sofas and a large screen TV were installed. I usually feel news deprived and enjoyed going in to get a quick CNN update. The room was keep nice and cool.

Nude Pool/Hot Tub Area: A new soda dispenser was added by the hot tub it serves Red Stripe as well as sodas and was kept stocked. The pools and jacuzzis were cleaner than previously remembered. Unfortunately, the hot tub was kept way too hot. This was probably due in part to the servicing and cleanliness, but it could have and should have been cooler. Service at the nude beach bar and grill were great. The grill serves jerked chicken at around 6 p.m.

Food: Food with the exception of Robert’s beach grill, was a real big disappointment this trip. No let’s be specific the food sucked this trip, we’ve never seen it so bad. I felt that the selections and quality/style were made to please the preferences of the staff and not the guests. Island fare/cooking style is nice to try occasionally, but not consistently as the daily main entries. Everyone agreed that the steak served was terrible, chewy, tasteless and impossible to cut with a knife. Deserts every night consisted of little cakes (tortes) most were very good, but the lack of desert variety as in the past got real boring. I missed the little chocolates filled with cream. A little desert cooler was installed near the soup kettles to hold ice cream. The ice cream was always nice and cold where in prior years would be usually melted. Unfortunately, if you don’t like rum raisin or vanilla with grape nuts, as I don’t, you were out of luck. Again no variety, past years at least had chocolate or plain vanilla and fudge sauce. Another disappointment that I don’t remember from prior visits was the number of leftovers served the next day. My husband was so desperate the night after Chinese food he actually resorted to eating leftover, cold Chinese food. That’s bad! There’s nothing worse than filling up on bad food for a meal, it’s kinda like really bad sex, sure you got something but… Pastafari food was a little disappointing too, not the same quality as in past visits. They offered the same deserts as the dining room. I thought that the menu changed weekly, but did not during this visit. Getting reservations was often difficult, another indication that dining room food was bad. In the past you could get a reservation as late as 2 or 3 p.m., this trip you’d better have one by 10 a.m. or forget it. I know going to Hedo is not like being on a cruise where the food is expected to be outstanding, but more variety and better quality would be appreciated. We’ve never bragged about the food, but it was generally good and some nights were great, but this stuff was simply awful. We did hear that a new chief was in the process of being hired, so hopefully it will improve.

Dinning Room: Service, including Pastafari, was much better than some past visits. Music as in all past visits continues to be played way too loud during dinner time. It is expected to be at that level during showtimes, but guests would like to talk while dinning. It was difficult to hear the person sitting next to you and impossible to hear someone across the table. A number of return guests said they have commented on this in the past to no avail. We’re not at a concert hall we’re eating dinner for god’s sake give it a rest. I guess the music was too loud for management to hear guest comments and requests.

Returnees Party (A.K.A. Repeat Offenders Party): A change has been made to the free week given away to the guest who has returned the most trips. In the past, guests could only win once. Now once you’ve won you start counting with visit one again and work back up. I heard from some returnees who have never won and complained that it wasn’t fair to change the rules. Even though we’ve never won, we feel that’s a nice way to honor those guests who keep coming back 20 and 30 times. Hedonism can afford to give two trips though, one to those who have won before and one to those who haven’t. With the new rules it will be difficult for some folks to win, ever. I was disappointed with the cocktail party food. In the past, peeled cold steamed shrimp with cocktail sauce was served. This time they served a lukewarm spiced shrimp with the tails on. Not only was it not that good, but it’s difficult to manage pulling off the tails while standing and holding a plate and possibly a drink too.

Security Guards/Security Measures: Additional lighting/spotlights were added or at least directed into the hot tub area(1 from the back door of the grill, 1 from the bathrooms and 1 from the end of the last building). It’s intrusive and they shine directly in your face. Security can be accomplished without turning a spotlight on the hot tub, shielding or redirecting the light could be done. We heard many guests complaining about the lighting. Not to mention the extra security and lighting give the impression there is a crime problem the resort is trying to address, definitely not the message to be sending to guests. That’s one of the messages we felt was being delivered. The other one is as follows. Don’t even think about getting a little intimate or passionately kissing your significant other in the hot tub. The night security guards or as I hear they are now referred to as "The Hot Tub Police or Hot Tub SS Guards" will be all over you in a heartbeat to break it up. We were only kissing when I looked up to see the Hot Tub Gestapo standing over us and actually shaking his finger at me. Every one was watching us and him, I felt like I got caught necking in high school. We have heard rumors, but cannot verify, that the general manager doesn’t approve of the hot tub activities and security has been instructed to immediately stop it. Time for my "soapbox", Management is wrong if they feel they are protecting those who are offended, or worse, if they are inflicting their own moral standards. For one, those guests who are offended should not have booked a vacation at Hedonism, there are other resorts with better food and showers that don’t freeze or scald you. Two, if guests did not like what goes on then they would not return to Hedonism. Since management pats themselves on the back and boasts that Hedonism has the largest number of repeat guests, then it seems obvious guests are not offended and come back for something other than the food (God it’s GOTTA be something other than the food). Management should not try to fix what is not broken or have security impart their view of correct behavior. Management should concentrate on fixing what is really broken or substandard. I did not enjoy being treated like a criminal while kissing my husband in the hot tub. Hedonism sells itself on freedom, no rules, "Be Wicked for a Week", "The Pleasure comes in many Forms". Couple Hedonism to those and other sales pitches and what do you think your pushing, Bible school? Hedonism IS the people (guests and staff), the lack of rules, the freedom, the sensuality, the all day cocktail party, the lack of judgmental people. Guests come because they want to get away from the judgmental types elsewhere. They don’t want someone telling them oh you can’t do that here, that’s why they came, so they could do that here! Otherwise why come, they can go elsewhere. If management isn’t careful they run the very real risk of destroying Hedonism. After all it’s been this way for almost 17 years now, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. Enough of my opinion on that.

Future Plans: As mentioned above the water temperature/pressure is being worked on. There are plans to start building new suites on the nude side near the aviary. I also believe they said that a new pool complex is planned for the open area on the prude side. Plans also exist to expand the dinning room and disco. Hedonism III Runaway Bay is under construction and an architect’s model is on view in the pit area of the lobby. The primary concern we heard uttered by most guests was the loss or fear of loss of the intimacy of the tropical grounds on the nude side. The new lighting shining in your face was bad, the drought hasn’t helped and there were concerns expressed about the proposed new rooms near the aviary. The worst possible decision management can make would be to destroy the lushness of the grounds for the sake of "progress". We escape that from the States when we come here. If all there would be is lights, concrete and the Gestapo Security, why bother to come?

Jamaica Jim’s Vernar Reunion! - Okay that’s what it says on the invite to the cocktail party the resort threw for us. I still don’t know what a Vernar is. We do want to thank JJ and Hedonism for the party. We would also like to thank Kevin, Hedonism’s General Manager, for the lunch at Cosmo’s it was terrific as usual. We want to thank Go Classy Tours for sponsoring the Jamaica Jim Vernal Reunion Tour and for the tee shirts and gifts. Thanks to Lance at Go Classy for dealing with us infidels.

The reunion itself was JJ’s idea to bring together old friends to reacquaint themselves with everyone and, of course, to meet new ones. Naturally we want to thank all the fine and wonderful people we met either again or for the first time; Jim and Nina, of course; Barbara (JJ’s Scottish Gal Pal) & John, Doug & Deb, Kris, Robert & Vicky, Moose & Henry, Shaun, Lynn & Terry, Joe & Teresa, Liz & Mike, Eric, Jeff & Lynne, MaryAlice & Paul, Paula and her husband (sooorrrrry forgot his name), I’m sorry those are the names I remember, for all of the rest of you I apologize, but we do remember you and will say hello the next time we see you. We’ll buy you a drink to make up for it.