Dave - 11/98

Trip Report: Hedonism II, by Dave November 7-14, 1998

This trip was planned back on Labor Day Weekend. A bunch of friends and I were dining al fresco at a near north side Chicago bar. They mentioned their annual get together at Hedo was coming up and they asked me to join them. Intrigued by some of the stories they told me about the place, I accepted their invitation. I’d like to thank each and every one of them right now for taking me with them on one the most spectacular vacations I have ever been on. THANK YOU!

DAY ONE

Air Jamaica flight 50 departed on time from Chicago at 6:35 am on Saturday November 7, 1998. At least I thought it was on time. I left my watch, my pager, my cell phone, and other reminders of civilization at home. I wanted this trip to relax me, to cleanse my mind of the problems at home, including my recent divorce.

The service on board was great. The food? Less than spectacular. But it is airplane food after all. Champagne, Red Stripe Beer, soft drinks, and I believe any drink mixed with the Appleton Rum are all free during the flight.

Arriving at Montego Bay about three and a half hours later, I stepped off the plane. Montego Bay Airport doesn’t have the jetways to walk through from plane into the terminal. Since we were seated near the back of the plane, they opened the tail exit, which allowed us to get off the plane quicker, and start our vacation sooner.

I met up with the rest of my group at the Super Clubs tour desk after claiming my baggage and going through the obligatory customs regimen. It went smoothly, they did process a lot people through in fairly short order. At the tour desk they give you forms to fill out for the hotel. They assign you a bus number and take your bags to the bus. Start the trip off right, if you are so inclined, and buy a bottle of Red Stripe at the Airport. It makes the bus ride all the more enjoyable.

During the two hour bus ride to Hedo, you’ll see along the way that they’re building a new highway between Negril and Montego Bay. The new road is supposed to cut the travel time down. Amen to that! The four near head on collisions, the cattle grazing just off the road around the hairpin turns, the cars and trucks passing with reckless disregard on either side of the road made the trip seem longer than what it actually was, but it was a lot of fun!

We had our first Red Stripe release party at a quaint roadhouse just around one of the serpentlike curves. The mens’ room had a sort of precast concrete window treatment through which I saw what had to be the second, perhaps third, largest dog in the world. I don’t know what breed it was, but it was BIG. Seemed to be friendly, thank gawd for that!

A little further down the road, near a narrow bridge, our bus was approached by several friendly locals offering to sell us ganja. Huge stalks of weed were waved in front of us. One of the salesman actually started running after the bus when he saw at least one of us show the least bit of interest in what he was selling. He managed to keep up with us for a little distance before we lost him around a curve.

A short time later, the skies became overcast. We arrived at Hedo shortly before 3:00pm. We were invited to take lunch while our rooms were readied. And since it was the only meal I had since the "breakfast" on the plane, the food was especially delicious and welcome. All three meals at Hedo served in the main dining room are buffet-style. Grab a plate, eat what you like, and take however much you want to.

I took a little walk with one of the Hedo veterans I was traveling with. We went to the nude pool first. I was very relaxed and actually eager to strip in front of all of those "strangers". They’re not "strangers" for long. They’re the friends you haven’t met yet. After a short soak in the hot tub, I headed back to the main dining room.

The skies opened up. It rained as hard as I have ever seen it rain. There was no wind, just some thunder and lightning. The rain shot straight down from the sky. Nobody left the prude pool or hot tub. To them, and me, this rain didn’t really matter. It really came down for about a half an hour or so. But then it cleared up, and the remaining sun for the day dried up any evidence that there was any rain at all.

One of the most pleasant sounds I have ever heard were the Jamaican Tree Frogs. The cacophonous chirping is actually quite relaxing after awhile, becoming sort of a "white noise". I lay in bed recovering from my day of travel and drifted off to sleep for a little bit.

I stayed in room 1260, the furthest room from the main dining room, and the one closest to the road and the Negril airstrip. I was willing to bet that my room was closer to the bar at the neighboring resort than it was to the Hedo main bar. The room is fine. It is furnished simply with the bare necessities: beds, dressers, night stands, a couch-like bench seat in the corner at the window. There’s also a CD player with an AM-FM radio on one of the night stands, and two safes in the closet for you to keep your valuables in, one for you and one for your roommate.

I spent my first night at Hedo drinking, singing in the piano bar, and visiting the disco. The idea of not having to carry and spend money for any of the drinks or food really appeals to me.

DAY TWO

I unknowingly dined on the Jamaica’s official breakfast, or so it was told to me by Shaka, one of the entertainment coordinators at Hedo. Ackee Fruit and Saltfish. Heck, I thought it was scrambled eggs and fish. No matter, they were far superior to the eggs I had for breakfast on the plane the day before...or were those eggs? Shaka kept me company at the table for a while, making the table one of the most beautiful on the whole island.

Today was "Get out in the sun and lose that "Casper the Ghost" looking white skin and get yourself a tan" Day. I headed for the prude beach after breakfast. No sooner than I set foot in the sand I was approached by a beach salesman. He was selling conch shells, and of course made his obligatory inquiry as to my desire for ganja. While it is nice to sit down and meet with the local people and share stories about your respective cultures, I really didn’t want to be hassled and hustled on my very first day on the beach. The conversation was structured as follows: he would ask me a question about Chicago, and ask if I wanted to buy a shell. Then he’d offer a little factoid about Jamaica, and ask if I wanted to buy a shell. After a 10 minute conversation, I told the guy "no", and walked away. I headed for the first available beach chair in the sun, liberally applied SPF 15 to the exposed areas of my bod, and laid back and baked. The late President Nixon once said something like "...man is not at greater peace with himself than when he is alone with his typewriter..." I guess President Nixon never made it to Hedo.

Had lunch with the only "couple" in our traveling group from Chicago. The beef stew wasn’t one of the chef’s better efforts that day. During lunch, they played games requiring little skill or knowledge, like "On the Bank, On the River", sort of a Jamaican "Simon Sez". It’s all mildly amusing, I guess. I was just anxious to get back to the beach and bake.

That evening, I went back to the piano bar with friends and drank and drank and drank. Tonight, it would be frozen Vodka slushes. Tomorrow, who knows? Maybe a Purple Rain or a Dirty Banana? No, a Flaming Bob Marley.

I have a couple of minor complaints about the bathroom back at the room...first, please move the lightswitch closer to the bathroom door. Also, the shower head is positioned in such a way to better cleanse those who are 4’-0" or shorter or so it would seem. Finally, it would be nice if one didn’t have to hold the flush valve down on the toilet to ensure its proper freshening. Oh, and if these are the biggest complaints you have about the trip, as these are mine, you will have the greatest time of your life, as I did!

Take a picture of yourself lying in bed looking up at the mirrored ceiling. I’d bet nearly everyone has shot of themselves doing this. It’s fun!

DAY THREE

I met a very nice girl at breakfast this morning. I won’t reveal her name, to respect her privacy and all, so I’ll just refer to her as "the nice girl". We had a brief, but very pleasant, conversation then it was off for me, my roommate, and the couple from Chicago for an interesting day of sailing.

My roommate bragged about his sailing experience and the four of us took out Hedo’s 18’ catamaran. It was an absolutely perfect day. The seas were calm, the winds just right to scoot us along, provided we were pointed in the right direction. We sailed towards the Sandals and Beaches resorts and then turned back towards Hedo. I think I was on a sailboat only a couple of other times in my 33 years. I was wondering to myself as I lay back on the boat...why don’t I do this sailing thing more often? That would be answered shortly.

We were out for a good hour or so and were heading back to Hedo when I noticed the shoreline wasn’t getting any closer. I didn’t want to be a wet towel about it and point out that we obviously weren’t getting closer to home port, so I remained mum on the subject for a while. I remembered then that it had been awhile since I slathered on any SPF 15, and the bottle was back at the beach.

It seemed like we were making progress for Hedo at times. Other times our bow would "submarine" into the water and the four of us would scramble to the other side of the boat to get us level again. It was after three or four of these near capsizings that the crew decided drastic measures were required to prevent any more near capsizing incidents.

I always considered myself to be a little on the chunky side. The "captain" and his "crew" thought it wise for me to take leave of the vessel, exiting from the stern. The "captain" tied my life vest, which I was wearing, to a line on the boat. Being overboard, he explained, would decrease our drag in the water and eliminate the "submarining" we were experiencing due to an "overloaded" boat. He also pointed out that I could starting kicking in the water, thus providing a means of moving the boat towards shore. I have never been used as an outboard motor in my entire life. It was at that point that I remembered the question I posed to myself earlier...why don’t I do this sailing thing more often? Because an outboard motor with gasoline beats an inexperienced sailor every time!

Five minutes after jumping overboard to do my Mercury Mercruiser impersonation, a Hedo speedboat stops off to see what the hell we were up to. After a very brief deliberation, it was agreed that we would all go back to shore on the speedboat. One of the Hedo hosts on the speedboat jumped onto our sailing vessel and effortlessly guided it back to shore. Met the "nice girl" on the beach and we laughed at my sailing adventure. Both of us noticed my lack of sunscreen protection on my back. I would pay for it dearly for the rest of this trip. Perhaps my most important piece of advice about this trip: Wear Sunscreen During The Day!

Later that afternoon we took a side trip by van to the town of Negril. One of the forgotten inconveniences about this excursion was that the van was too full, so an extra car was hired for us. The "nice girl" and I met Jesse, the driver of the car, and we sat in the back seat and had a great time surveying the area and talking. It was on the way to town that the poverty and simple way of life down here really set in. No sidewalks. Lots of potholes. A hardware store not quite as large as a mini-mart gas station building, the type that sell milk and sandwiches. There’s a quiet chaos of people, livestock, and vehicles. Rolling trinket shops pepper the sides of the roads with wooden statues and jewelry.

The best sunsets can be viewed, in my opinion, from the "Pickled Parrot". The bar and the accompanying huts over the tables and chairs jut out over the Caribbean on a sparse jagged rock. The rock was like sort of a hand holding us out towards one of Mother Nature’s most spectacular light shows, her Negril sunset. People were snapping pictures of this blessed event and huddled in groups in front of this spectacular scene. The waitress was kind enough to take pictures of all of us together with what seemed to be a chair full of cameras set before her. The "nice girl" took a picture of me in front of the sunset. I’d sure like to see that picture someday.

Try something exotic on the menu. I had the Jamaican Shrimp. Delicious, fresh, baked in a spicy "jerk" sauce. Comes with a salad and flat pieces of crusty white bread, perfect for dipping in the sauce. Red Stripes arrived by the trayful at our table. We left about an hour after sunset. The group took the van. Jesse took the "nice girl" and I back to the resort. I think the rest of the group stopped by one of the local establishments for tea and brownies.

Special Hedo moment: the "nice girl" rubbed aloe vera lotion all over my back, neck, and shoulders in my room.

The rest of the night was spent in the piano bar. Some tourists can’t sing. So what? Don’t be critical of them. They and you are on vacation to have a nice time. It ain’t supposed to "Star Search".

I went to the pajama party in the disco. Don’t wear silk pajamas, as I did. It is too damn hot. Especially so around the bar. The disco itself was a little cooler, the air conditioning was doing its job. There are TV’s around the place with closed circuit camera shots of the action on the dance floor. For me, it was the best way to see what was going on in the crowd. They had contests for most revealing sleepwear, and one for best bondage outfit. Some guy won a prize for wearing ladies lingerie to the party. Are we having fun yet? Oh yeah!

DAY FOUR

I have met, and partied with, very special people on my first trip to Hedonism II. There are many of them, like all the girls from New York, Pennsylvania, Florida, Washington, DC, Illinois, and New Jersey. One of the reasons I took this trip was to meet, and not necessarily sleep with, members of the opposite sex. I got divorced in July, and that was pretty difficult for me. A lot of guys who go down to Hedo expecting to get laid the second they walk through the lobby are going to be disappointed. Don’t expect to get laid. That way, if you do, you’ll enjoy it all the more. And if you don’t, you won’t go home disappointed. And if you’re a virgin to Hedo, as I was, try to make friends with people who’ve been here 8, 10, or 20 times. They’re a lot of fun. They’re easy to find. They’re everywhere.

The "USA Today" newspaper is on sale in the gift shop. I think it’s $4.00 per copy, and it might even be yesterday’s paper. I bought one just to see what was happening back in the real world. I was disappointed and depressed at the news. Nothing’s going on that is so important that you can’t wait to find out about it until you get home. That’s my opinion.

I noticed on this fourth day that I really haven’t eaten that much down here. I’d nibble a little at breakfast, maybe have lunch, and then only eat dinner. This new eating pattern of mine is in stark contrast to how I eat at home. I surmise that my ravenous appetite at home may be stress induced, and that the combination of my relaxed state and the warm humid air here have reduced my appetite. Maybe I can shed a few pounds so that next year I won’t be tossed like unwanted ballast off any catamarans.

I wonder if we purposefully forget what day of the week it is. Is it some sort of subliminal denial that we must someday leave this tropical splendor and return to our normal lives? I lost track of what day of the week it was on Thursday, I think.

Spent the day on the beach. My back was still on fire from my little sailing misadventure, and the back of my neck started to get these little red itchy bumps that oozed pus. Gross, huh?

Later in the afternoon, we took a van to a Negril shopping mall for some duty free booze and souvenirs. We headed for "Rick’s", a tourist destination rival to the "Pickled Parrot". I prefer the "Pickled Parrot", its more of a local feel, and its quieter. But hey, if you like noise and American tourists (and heck, who doesn’t), then "Rick’s" is for you. We ordered several lobster pizzas (FABULOUS) and gawd knows how many pitchers of beer. The sunset was not as good as the night before, but nonetheless still beautiful. A member of our group climbed out onto the edge of one of the diving cliffs, removed his shorts, and jumped 40 feet into the water below au natural. Lemme tell ya, you don’t see that in Chicago!

DAY FIVE

Spent most of the day out of the sun. See advice concerning sunscreen referred to in DAY THREE above. Played ping pong, checkers, did a little duty free shopping for the good people back home. It was a fun day despite the burn, the itch, the rash...YUCK! Went to bed early that night.

DAY SIX

SPECIAL HEDO MOMENT: Met the "nice girl" shortly after breakfast. Someone in our group suggested we try parasailing. I went to make the arrangements and met up with her a short time later at the boat dock. (This is one of a few activities not included in the "all-inclusive" price. The trip costs $35 for each person and you can make your reservation and pay for the trip at the front desk or the tour desk.) There were five other people on the boat when we boarded. Everyone was anxious to try this parasailing thing. A crew member on board hands you a lifejacket and fits you into this special harness that you put on like a pair of shorts. You get all buckled and snapped in and wait for your turn to fly. Up on the take off platform, you sit down, get the parasail clipped to your harness, the sail is unfurled, and you slowly rise off the boat while a pulley on a cable slowly releases the line attached to the sail. The rest of the ride is totally amazing and really can’t be explained in words, it truly must be experienced to be believed. At the apex of our flight, the "nice girl" asked me to kiss her, for which I obliged without hesitation. I asked for permission for a second kiss, to which she agreed without hesitation. The feeling of the wind rushing across your body, the silence from floating some 300 feet above the blue water, and the exhilarating rush I felt when I kissed her all added to a Elysium experience. There aren’t enough "awes" in awesome to describe this adventure. Wow!

Spent the rest of the day lounging around the beach, played some Frisbee, went to the snack bar on the prude side of the beach for not one, but two grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches. Paulette, the tender of the bar on the prude side whipped me up one of her favorite drinks--peach schnapps and 7-UP. Had a bunch of those and loved every one them.

It was circus night and I caught a great show in the main dining room. Do try to get a table which has a view of the stage unobstructed by the columns. Great show with juggling, trapeze artistry, and dancing. The show moved out to the beach a bit later on where the outdoor trapeze was center stage. A huge bonfire was lit after that and they played all sorts of beach games. This was my last night at Hedo.

DAY SEVEN

I woke up early with an uneasiness I hadn’t encountered at all during this week. It was time to go home. I asked my roommate, who’d been here several times before, about the checkout procedure. If you’re on an afternoon flight, like I was, you leave the bags outside your room at 9:00 am. Between 11:30 am and 12:30 PM you go to the main lobby, check your baggage at the Air Jamaica desk, just as you would at the airport, and pay your departure tax ($21 USD). Then you start saying your good-byes. Bring along some business cards to hand to your new found friends so you can keep in touch back home. Take lots of pictures. And start thinking more about your next trip to Hedonism II rather than think about going home.

Flight 51 arrived in Chicago at around 8:35pm, about 15 minutes early. Sweet, innocent-looking, little ole me is ordered to go to the red line at Customs. My baggage was thoroughly examined, I was questioned extensively. I was scared shitless. About 45 minutes later I was released and free to go home, the one in the cold, windy, blustery Chicago suburbs. I am hoping that the "nice girl" has a safe trip home. It’s only November now, but let me tell you that when the bitter cold of January, February and March set in, I will feel a lot warmer when I think back to kissing that girl while parasailing over the beaches of Negril.

Thanks to Bill, Chuck, Bob, Walter, Katie, Robin, Paulette, Shaka, Leon, Jim, Janet, Pam, Amy, Tara, Mark, Lisa, all of the people who said hello but didn’t tell me their names, Roger,